Boyfriend also loves another Options

[Ashley_Brook]

I'm 23 and have been dating my boyfriend (who's 24) for about 4 months now. Things have been going well and he claims he loves me and I make him happy. But yesterday, out of nowhere, he texts me and tells me that he wants to be honest with me about something, and that something is that he also has strong feelings for another girl. He said he wanted to tell me because he felt he needed to get it off his chest and he started asking me if I thought he should feel badly about loving two people at the same time. Then he asked me if I could relate and if I still had feelings for my ex boyfriend, which I do and I admitted that to him as well. I told him that I think it's possible to have feelings for two people at once (even though I'm not exactly sure if you can truly love both and be IN LOVE with both at the same time) and I said that I didn't think he shouldn't feel shameful about it AS LONG AS he didn't act on it. He told me that he never cheated on me and never ever would, but he doesn't understand why society doesn't believe you can't love two people at once. He told me that he wasn't trying to insinuate and persuade me of anything but just that he wanted to tell me, otherwise he would feel like he was hiding it.

Then I asked him if the only reason why he is with me is because he couldn't have her, and he responded that he could have her if he wanted, but he has me and wants to be with me, which is a good thing.

But it still bugs me. I'm not mad at him for feeling this way because I have felt it before too in my past. I do still have feelings for my ex, but I think it's a little different. And I told him you can't allow yourself to be torn between two people and hurt over it. I would hate for him to be torn up over her while being with me.

But I'm so glad that he told me something like that because I know that took a lot of guts and I love how he can be honest and upfront with me like that. I am still paranoid though that one of these days he might decide that he wants that other girl more and break up with me. Is that a rational feeling or am I just being insecure? What would you feel if your boyfriend or girlfriend told you something like that? I'm just not sure what to think or feel about it.

[*Steven*]

Is he rich?

[MissHygienic]

I wouldn't feel anything for this douchebag who can't make up his mind about who he likes or would prefer to be in a relationship with. I hate these types of guys; I'd drop his ass. If he's in a relationship with me, he had better damned well show unrelenting commitment and none of this wishy-washy, "I may love another girl" shit.

[Ashley_Brook]

He seems to have his mind made up that he wants to be with me, but I don't know, it's weird. He also said that he was really high at the time, so I don't know how serious to take all of this.

[MissHygienic]

When I last saw my boyfriend drunk, he sent me an e-mail with, "I love you" all over the place, repeating it. When you're high/drunk, it's not like random shit comes to your head out of nowhere. "Oh, I think I love another girl, and I'll just tell the girl who I'm dating that, as well." Don't be so naive, here. Just because he's with you, physically, doesn't mean that he's with you emotionally or mentally. There are such things as emotional affairs.

[Ashley_Brook]

You're right. I just don't want to deal with being with a boyfriend who's not into me only. But then I say that to myself and it sounds so selfish and jealous. I don't want to be that girl! I don't want to be that bitchy, jealous girl who never understands human feelings or allows her bf to have those human feelings.

I'm really debating on telling him all this how I feel and suggesting that if he feels like his feelings for her are 'in the way' of our relationship and his feelings/happiness with me, that maybe he shouldn't be with me.

[DeadlyKitten]

ive learnd that if a guy has any other feelings for another girl while he's in a relationship, he's obviously insecure. i witnessed a guy leave a girl who he loved for another girl then after about 5 months...maybe 6...start to regret it. If he still has feelings for another girl, your relationship with him wont grow. Its like being chained to a wall and trying to move to another wall...its impossible. Until he's able to unlock himself from the past, your future with him wont exsist. i'd give it a little time and if he still has feelings for her, leave him. if he trully cares about you, he'll beg for you to come back, if not, he'll most likely go back to his x. If he still has feelings for her, maybe theres something he didnt finish with her that he'll have to in order to move on. Theres nothing wrong with saying yeah, i loved my x with all my heart and always will BUT you have to be 100% sure that your over him/her. My boyfriend admits that his x girlfriend will always have peice of his heart, but he'll never go back to her because he and she loved each other, but they werent in love. BELIEVE ME! there is a HUGE difference. when u love someone you can base that on a friendship, familly, a just a pure closeness level with someone. When your IN love with someone, its a completly different feeling. You love your mom, you cant be IN love with her, you love your friends, you cant be IN love with them. Find out where he stands and what happend between them and go on that. But when it comes to guys, never jump the gun, cause as much as they hate to admit to it...their very emotional.

[Ashley_Brook]

ive learnd that if a guy has any other feelings for another girl while he's in a relationship, he's obviously insecure. i witnessed a guy leave a girl who he loved for another girl then after about 5 months...maybe 6...start to regret it. If he still has feelings for another girl, your relationship with him wont grow. Its like being chained to a wall and trying to move to another wall...its impossible. Until he's able to unlock himself from the past, your future with him wont exsist. i'd give it a little time and if he still has feelings for her, leave him. if he trully cares about you, he'll beg for you to come back, if not, he'll most likely go back to his x. If he still has feelings for her, maybe theres something he didnt finish with her that he'll have to in order to move on. Theres nothing wrong with saying yeah, i loved my x with all my heart and always will BUT you have to be 100% sure that your over him/her. My boyfriend admits that his x girlfriend will always have peice of his heart, but he'll never go back to her because he and she loved each other, but they werent in love. BELIEVE ME! there is a HUGE difference. when u love someone you can base that on a friendship, familly, a just a pure closeness level with someone. When your IN love with someone, its a completly different feeling. You love your mom, you cant be IN love with her, you love your friends, you cant be IN love with them. Find out where he stands and what happend between them and go on that. But when it comes to guys, never jump the gun, cause as much as they hate to admit to it...their very emotional.

The other girl isn't his ex. I don't even know who she is, and kind of don't want to know because if I did, I'd be inclined to think about it so much more and stalk her lol. So I don't even know what his deal is with her, how long he's known her, when they talk, or anything like that. All I know is that he has feelings for another girl, who lives with this other dude.

[absinthe]

It depends if you're okay with staying with a guy that's not totally committed to you. An exclusive relationship entails mind and body. If you don't blow that chick right out of the water in his eyes, maybe you should reconsider.

[tokyo-rose]

I think it's possible to love two people at the same time, but not be IN love with them both. I admire his honesty as well, but maybe you should tell him not to talk to you when he's under the influence of illegal substances. Unless being high actually somehow gave him the courage to confess...well, maybe it was kind of a good thing he did what he did. I think you should stay with him and see if you can both get over the feelings you have for that girl and your ex, respectively, since it's only been four months. If you can, it should work out. I wish you two good luck.

[Ashley_Brook]

Thanks everyone for your advice!

My love for my ex is different than his love for this girl. I love my ex because I was with him for a long time, and anyone who has a long term relationship, you know that even after it's over, you still love them and hold a special place in your heart for them. With my ex, I have done just that. I put him, in a sense, in a box in my heart and moved on...and my love for him doesn't affect my relationship with my guy at all. I think that is different than loving someone new that you have never dated before. I told him all this a little bit ago.

I asked my bf how strong is love for that girl is, because I was trying to see if he would be able to put his feelings for that girl behind him like I have with my ex, but he said that he didn't know, that he was torn over these feelings, he is confused, and that he's never been in a serious relationship before. Then I suggested that he needed time and space to figure things out because he owes it to himself to do that and I owe it to myself to have a boyfriend that is going to be emotionally committed to me as well as physically. So I guess you could say we are on a break now...and I know I said all the right things so I feel better about it, even though it still hurts and I still want to be with him. But like I said, I deserve a guy who's not only going to be physically faithful, but emotionally as well.

[tokyo-rose]

My love for my ex is different than his love for this girl. I love my ex because I was with him for a long time, and anyone who has a long term relationship, you know that even after it's over, you still love them and hold a special place in your heart for them. With my ex, I have done just that. I put him, in a sense, in a box in my heart and moved on...and my love for him doesn't affect my relationship with my guy at all. I think that is different than loving someone new that you have never dated before.

Oh, okay. I thought that you still loved your ex in a way that would make you want to be with him again. I agree that that's not the same kind of love as loving someone that one hasn't dated before. It's more of a fondness or "soft spot," I'd say. It's okay to feel like that.

I'm glad that you realize you deserve a guy who will be physically and emotionally devoted to you. You're smarter than most girls for that. Again, good luck. I hope he can figure out what he wants over the break.

[miyashu]

Then I suggested that he needed time and space to figure things out because he owes it to himself to do that and I owe it to myself to have a boyfriend that is going to be emotionally committed to me as well as physically. So I guess you could say we are on a break now...and I know I said all the right things so I feel better about it, even though it still hurts and I still want to be with him. But like I said, I deserve a guy who's not only going to be physically faithful, but emotionally as well.

This is the best solution, IMO. I would give my boyfriend the time to sort out any mixed feelings if we were in the same situation. I'm speaking from experience when I say that "extra space" is just what a guy needs in order to think about serious issues.

And you're absolutely right when you said you deserve someone who will commit to you emotionally.

Best of luck :)

[AskAlice]

Thanks everyone for your advice!

My love for my ex is different than his love for this girl. I love my ex because I was with him for a long time, and anyone who has a long term relationship, you know that even after it's over, you still love them and hold a special place in your heart for them. With my ex, I have done just that. I put him, in a sense, in a box in my heart and moved on...and my love for him doesn't affect my relationship with my guy at all. I think that is different than loving someone new that you have never dated before. I told him all this a little bit ago.

I asked my bf how strong is love for that girl is, because I was trying to see if he would be able to put his feelings for that girl behind him like I have with my ex, but he said that he didn't know, that he was torn over these feelings, he is confused, and that he's never been in a serious relationship before. Then I suggested that he needed time and space to figure things out because he owes it to himself to do that and I owe it to myself to have a boyfriend that is going to be emotionally committed to me as well as physically. So I guess you could say we are on a break now...and I know I said all the right things so I feel better about it, even though it still hurts and I still want to be with him. But like I said, I deserve a guy who's not only going to be physically faithful, but emotionally as well.

That sounds like a very mature solution. It's difficult for those who haven't been in serious relationships before to understand what it is they really want or value in one. Having an interest for another person is very much forgivable when you're in a relationship; it's not like you'll never perk your ears up for anyone else. But loving another person is something different entirely. I personally do not think that one person can love two people at the same time; love is something shared, it's reciprocated. If you love someone and they love you back, even if you do have an interest in someone else, it's just played with. You wouldn't actually consider being with another person if you were in love already.

It does sound like he just needs some time to evaluate what it is he's looking for in a long-term mate, and, if he really wants a long-term sort of thing. Check up on him soon. It will be easier for him to sort out his ideas with someone who understands him.