Dear cB Diary,, Createblog Diary no. 10 Options

[*stephinika*]

Dear cB diary,

Today wasn't bad. Working with my assistant manager was okay and I got to do cash all day so that was nice. Then Larry came by, we went for sushi then hung out at his place for a lil' bit which was nice. It sucked though cause were just laying in bed and almost falling asleep...then I realized it was probably time to go and so I had to leave. It always goes by so fast.
On the other hand, movie last night was fun. I'm still amazed I convinced my mom to let me out. Thank god. It was cool seeing them again.
Anyways, I'm pumped for summer to really start. I must hit the beach soon or I'm gonna go nuts.

[iDecay]

Dear cB Diary,

I really f**ked up this time, didn't I? Wow, awesome.

[flutterby88]

another fun weekend! i gotta start with friday: work was SOOOOOOOO much fun. lunch at boston pizza was delicious, gossip was hilarious (i'm so lucky i work with all girls!), and i got to listen to my MP3 all day! i caught myself singing along at times but stopped cuz i must've looked funny singing at a computer. so that was good times. went straight to carney to change into my black dress where i hugged lots of old fiddler pals:). then we practiced some and then went to the gym for rockstars4life to start. it was so fun, Ms T. finally met M, and everyone loved the high note i hit. P sounded AMAZING, been so long since i heard him sing, actually melted. all the bands made me dance in my seat, T did a hilarious job as emcee, F sounded awesome, and all the speeches were great. MR.D's actually made me cry, just one tear though! F still made fun of me. it was such a good time, i was so happy to be a part of it. afterwards said a few more hellos... Ms. R was there! i hadn't seen her since terra! then M bought me some timmy ho's, then him and F came over to watch some Dave Chapelle till we were ready to fall asleep. Saturday woke up to C calling me and M to come jewellery shopping with her which was a lot of fun cuz one of her students makes her own jewellery, she's very talented. Yummy treats and fun weddings stories too. then picked up M and went to K's for dinner which was SO fun, hadn't seen that family in a while. M played with the boys all afternoon so she told me to marry him:P, lol well i intend to one day hopefully. then F came over for some scrabble and some more Dave Chappelle before heading over to see Pirates 3!!!!!!!!!! it was SO good, and O was SO hot. certain parts of the night irritated me but s'all good. sunday i had to get up early for mass and then i came home and SLEPT. work today was good, so much to do though. A's home!!!! he just phoned me:D, i hope he can come over tonight. gotta really work on booking those road lessons so people don't have to drive here all the time. If only i could afford that honda, that would be sweet

[NgocQuyen]

dear cB,
sometimes i wonder about my life. like, am i really going to go through what i say i'm going to do? am i really going to spend 6+ years of my life in college just to impress my parents? even when i do do that will they accept me? will they love me any more than they do now? will i make them proud? sometimes life just seems so...not worth it. you know? why should i try so hard? sometimes i feel like everything can just crash down on me in an instant and i don't even know why. i feel like he's being dishonest with me. he has my heart and i feel like he can crush it at any time he wishes. he's the only one that can crush my heart in an instant. >< i don't know how life's going to turn out, but for now i'll never lose hope. "...you have everything i need if i just believe."

[Jinny]

Dear cB Diary,

I was doing fine in math AND english until that math test (I'm gonna get a 64) and my english test (76). I'm screwed. DAMMITTTT

[iGio]

Dear cb,

Im growing more violent,more angry,more sad,and more confused.School has a big stress over me.Im sick of the little haters making rumors about me.Im sick of them looking at me trying to define me as if they really can.Just sunday i was so happy because i thought we were in june and everyone told me we were still in may.That cracked me so bad.I was actually looking foward to finals and to saying good bye to lehman hs for ever.Im still procrastinating too much and my diet plan seems to be failing.I mean im doing my part,but my mom isnt.She sucked what i was hiding from her out of me.I told her that i didnt want meat,no fatening food.Just fruit and salad every day.But did it occur to her that It's something i need now and not then?Nope.She says she will get me this and that and how hard she is struggling with the money.I dont honestly care,and yes im that much of a spoiled little b-tch.I would love to get a job but everyone says teens are too young to work.And like i havent even d one my 45 su's or 100 jj's.And i need to do them,i already did my brisk walking.

And i cant hold it in no more.Im obessed with my monkey,its that idolization phase.And im sick and tired of hiding who i call my monkey.Joe jonas.I.D.G.A.F what anyone thinks about me or me being obessed with him.I see nothing wrong,well not yet.But being obessed has help me be motivated to do things.And like i told bff,im doing what im doing for me.To smile for me.Im sick of the bottle thats so tight inside.Im sick of all the sides of me always fighting to gain control.I can be dark or deceveing,believing and taken advantage of,nice and sweet,shy and quiet,mysterious and crazy.Theres alot to me.And everytime people just try to break me to see who i am,what i am really about.-sigh-And getting on about school.Im sick of it.I told my mom i needed a new copy of romeo and juliet because i lost mine.She totally forgot to go get me one all because she was out at her friends.So if she isnt going to care about it,why should i?I try,and i've proven im a college prep/honor worth student.But i let my self fall on purpose.No one seems to care.My friends all wanna know deeply whats bugging me but when i begin to tell them,they dont wanna hear it.They wanna all walk away and want me to help them.I dont mind but you know,im sick of holding my life in i wanna have a free heart.And my obession with me monkey is only getting worse.The last dream i had of him was a blow your mind away.Totally unrealistic in every way.

What to do?I always complain,sure.I can't help it,its me.I have no one to go to and im not gonna go to my mom.Thats like a big no and therapy?Im only a teen and people from school already have reccommended me to become one.I wonder why i cant take my own advice.Its hard for me.No one knows how hard it is to live my life.The things that happened to me,the things i've felt,the time i cried my eyes out and could not help but to sleep in my moms room for the last few weeks of summer because of how scared and torn i was.And latly,the only thing keeping me calm and saine is my monkey.It's become my everything.Why do i call him it?I feel weird to call him My everything?Should i?I dont know where to turn.I've always been stuck in life and i really believe more each day that the only reason i was born was to help my friends.Even my fortune cookie said it.I cant see my self being happy with anyone or being happy by my self.I cant see it at all.But the question is,why am i so afraid to show me?Why cant i just tell anyone?why why why.Why me.I laugh alot and smile but behind the rose is nothing but grief and pain.I dont know who the hell i love,what i love,who i am loved by.

I feel so lost,why couldnt i have been born normal?I cant sleep,i cant eat and everyone is thinking im starving my self.I cant help it if i dont feel like eating.I want to cry but i cant.I want to be happy but i cant.I cant be sad because thats not me.I dont even know why i feel the way i do.Then when i speak to my ex who is also my best friend.things also come back.Im a big whore.I like this that and that.I cant stop and im not horny either.But i cant help but to have taste.I cant help but to have feelings,i mean im not a robot so why am i making a big fuss.I feel retarted.If only i were born the other way of life,maybe i would have it easier.much easier...And im starving but i cant eat.No salad in the house so,yeah.Another night without eating.Im not looking for someone to pity me,but someone to be good to me?Is that so wrong,i just wish i could have a clone of my monkey to cry and lean on because i cant even do it to my friends.Isnt that sad,when they are here and he isnt.And phoebe like i feel like robert and david.The two biggest horny stalkers i know.I cant move on but when i dont see her it feels like i have but when i see her things rush back.Im so silly.I think i need a permanent break.

-Leon

[*stephinika*]

Dear cB diary,

Not much of a reply, but that was expected.

Anyways, tomorrow should be fun I hope. Thank goodness the sun is here finally.

[Jinny]

Dear cB Diary,

Today was okay, I guess. Just that he's being really rude and seriously can't get over it. Why does he have to make a stupid big deal out of everything? He did that to me a lot of times before, and he only said that he was joking. It ended there. But when we do it, he gets mad? Excuse me, I DID apologize, and you DID hear it. You even turned your head just to hear that. But later on, you tell everyone that you never heard it? Wtf? I hate you. You're a stupid idiot that deserves that shit that your dad gave you. You're rude and annoying. You even yell at your dad and you called your grandmother a dumbshit bitch. Wth? No wonder why "she" left you. Jeez.

[synthase]

Dear cB diary,
Why is jealousy such a mean monster? I can't help but feel green these days

[Jinny]

Dear cB Diary,

Today was just.. okay. He kept on bringing the problem back for some reason.. And today I finally got to sit with B! <3 yaaayyy.

[NgocQuyen]

dear cB,
today was terrible. i didn't study for my SATs as much as i said i would because well, i didn't want to. :) and i just found out today that my CS account has been stolen. isn't that just gayed? yes. but good thing Ray is getting me a new one for my birthday! hehe yay! i love my friends. :) <3

[BrokenDream]

Dear CBD,
I'm back!... well, on createblog and stuff. Took a reallyyyy long break. I really don't know why. But yeah, I am back. ^^; So different now. Well anyway, I had a pretty good day so far. I need to seriously get some friends over and like have a party or something. So incredibly bored.
Love, Mel.

[Jinny]

Dear cBD,

I wish I lived 'there'. OMG THEN I COULD SEE HIM EVERDAY!

[NgocQuyen]

dear cB,
i freaking hate the SATs and all the other standardized tests out there! i think they're just stupid. :\ i probably scored so low on this one. ughs. oh well, i guess i can do better next time right? lol. i hate being so freaking not small. lol. this diet just sucks. there are so many good foods around. i can't help but eat them? lol. dang it. :( haha. oh well! i guess i have to do what i have to do? ehh that's just life. lol.

[BrokenDream]

Dear CBD,
This girl is really starting to piss me off .
I'm frustrated. And I shouldn't be. It's summer, and I should be happy and careless. Oh well. I guess it'll get better soon? -shrug- Well, it's pretty late. It's 4AM. I can't wait to wake up tomorrow just to talk to people I care about. Things like that make my mornings great. I think I'm off to bed now.. like I should've been like hours ago. Heh.
-Mel

[Jinny]

Dear cB Diary,

What is wrong with her? Why is she so fast? How?

[AimeeLynn]

Dear cB,

Ugh. Finals are tomorrow and I'm stressed out and depressed. I really want to get over him but I can't. Plus I have finals which I don't know anything whats on it. So I'm basically screwed.

[Jinny]

Dear cB Diary,

I wish I didn't have to compete with her anymore. This is annoying. I have to constantly catch up/get higher than her. I wish she was slow or it just got.. ruined? I don't know. I hope I don't have to share my stupid myth project tomorrow. Mrs. ******** is stupidddddd

[BrokenDream]

Dear CBD,

My back hurts to the extreme. For like two days straight now. I need the pain to stop now. I hope my bf sees my message. And I hope he doesn't over react. I hope for the best . Well. There's nothing to do.

*Sigh* I wish I had some of my old friends back.
One of my best friends has officially pissed me off. I wish she'd turn back to her normal self. And I miss one of my old friends as well. I didn't do anything wrong, she did. :/ I just wish everything was back to normal. I really hope next year would be a better year when it comes to less drama, but I doubt it since it's freshmen year.
-Mel

[Jinny]

Dear cB Diary,

Wow, it's just.. perfect. It seems like God decided to make the whole thing perfect. He's amazing. I just wished he lived here...

[BrokenDream]

Dear CBD,

I want him back in my city again ...

[iGio]

Dear cb,

Im sick of being forced to eat,everyone is making me eat when they know im on a diet.They think im starving my self,im just not eating because i dont feel like i can eat.Everything im doing is for ___ and myself.I prayed in the shower today for help,while the water was smacking my hair and down to my ears.I went down to 173 fast but guess what,from being forced to eat I freaking went back to where i effin started.But i'll go back down.I just need to keep working hard like i have always been.But the thing is,now i get full real fast.My aunt and my moms friends complimented me on how i looked yesturday in my new outfit.They all said i look real nice and that im losing weight.I appreciate it all,dont get me wrong,its just i really wanna go back to being how i was when i was little.So skinny and stuff and free.Im so self consiounce and it gets worse every day that i go to school.I feel like all eyes are strictly staring at me in disgust when most arent and most are.

Music has helped.Everyone has showed if they cared or not.Everyone is worried.Everyone askes me if i ate yet each and every day.No one begins to think im enjoying not eating.I dont wanna be one of those anorexic people because its not an addiction.I love food so why would i start a bs like that?I just dont feel like eating.Come on now,i got full off like 5 small grapes.Im really trying.This weekend was fun except today.I went shopping from 11 and got home at 3.Bought alot of nice shirts,2 pairs of jean shorts,and checkered shorts to go perfectly with one of the shirts i bought which i wore yesturday when i took a shower and to the movies.And i bought white reeboks.I saw this really nice whie adidas the super star ones but they DIDNT HAVE ANY IN STOCK.Like wtf,footlocker barely had anything.And mistersports i hate the people who work there.They talk shit about your feet and about how you dress.Ughy.

This is my last week of school,finals.Then monday i got the second part of math and web final.Which sucks because i wasnt planning on going monday or tuesday since they were the real last two days of the week after.By the end of summer tho i will be skinny like i wanna be.I brushed my hair down flat so in the morning i could spike it up nicely.Aghh i hate school i dont wanna go back! not ever.I really want to lose this weight already too.Starving . . funny.

-Leon

[NgocQuyen]

dear cB,
here we go again! lol. well today has been pretty much horrible. i really miss him and i want to see him and be with him. gosh. 10 days is like forever away. lol. oh well. it's okay ! i can do it ! lol. i can not wait until i get to see him! hehe i plan on cooking something for him too. hehe i'm excited about that. :D i feel pretty bad though. i should be doing all the assignments and stuff. i guess i'll do it tomorrow lol. ALL of it ! :D oh by the way, i have a new husband. Jung Yun Ho. haha he is the sex. :) but i love Thuan more though. teehee. that is all. :)

[*stephinika*]

Dear cB diary,

Work was actually pretty good today. I think I'll wait awhile before finding a new job, 'cause its not so bad. Hours are picking up which is quite nice...and one of the girls I didn't like left, baha. So yeah. That made me happy. But anyways...had lots of serious talks with him lately which is good...I don't mind talking them out, its just they always come up on the phone when I'd rather talk about it in person but oh well...

I hate living a) at home with my parents and b) so damn far away from everything.

[flutterby88]

feels so much like summer! friday night i had the best family dinner with M, C, C, and parents. we talked for hours at east side mario's and we laughed so hard at old stories and jokes, i even cried. C was working! so got to talk to her most briefly. then M came over for a fun evening. Saturday went to the beach!!! WOOOOOOO. L, A, A,and A (lol) all came. we had some fun strawberry times and L took some sweet pics. oh man i laughed so hard with those two boys. But i felt so helpless with A, i mean there wasn't much i could do to comfort her. i hope she'll get through this. water was nice and cool and my skin finally felt the sun again, been a while. then Starbucks! i have a new love of it cuz 1)L works there and 2)they invented a frap of one of my favourite flavours in the world... "a Latin American flavour!" oh L:). went home nice and sleepy then M came over all sore and icky-feeling from work, so i made him pizza and kissed him better, he felt so pampered:). today i had fun at breakfast and eating fruit/having drinks with my family. read harry potter all day. talking to C right now, i'm so proud of her! wish i could be there to hear the speech. i can't believe they're graduating, i still feel like we're seniors over them:P. on another note i was sad K couldn't come to the beach yesterday, heard her voice for the first time in a while and i realized how much i'd missed her. cried a little last night before M came over cuz i was looking for my old speech when i thought of C, and i found all the notes Ms. P made us write to each other at the end of C.E. 12. things have changed so much, we were like sisters. I miss K, i wanna forget every bad thing i told her, i was so harsh. and i wanna see S cuz i was so judgemental the last time i saw her. i don't want the trio back, because time's simply moved on from that, but i don't want it to become normal for me to see them once a month or two. i kept looking for reasons to be mad but i stopped finding any. i hope i see them soon. one more thing before a last thought: i hope B doesn't give up hope, I think there's something there with M that she's too scared to see, it's obvious how much he cares about her.
finally, tomorrow is 1+5!!! i love him so much, words can't even describe. i hope he likes his birthday surprise, sometimes i feel i don't give him as much as i should, so i hope he likes it. i'll get the tickets tonight.
before i go, i just gotta say again how happy i am the sun's here, i had missed florida. i feel beautiful and more grown up, i know i can make my summer goals happen.