When a child is compared to another.... Options

[Mistress Bags]

I know I'm older and don't live with my mom, but this is something that always held me back as a child, and something that pisses me off to this day.

I hate it when a parent compares her child to somebody else's child. For example: "Ashley, why can't you make better grades? Mrs. Thompson's daughter Lily makes straight A's, and she's not remarkably smart. I don't think you're trying hard enough."

Or..

"Ashley, why can't you keep your room immaculate? Mrs. Thompson NEVER has to tell HER children to clean. You're such a bad child."

People make mistakes. Furthermore, children are not even close to perfect. They're growing into an individual. Instead of comparing their faults to another's strengths, why not be more understanding? If you want your child to make better grades or to clean his/her room more often, try to find a more positive way to do it.

Did anybody have to deal with this when growing up? How do you feel about it?

[think!IMAGINARIL...]

UGH. I HATE THAT.

It's usually the other way around though.. My mom shows me off to her friends a lot. "OH, look at Elaine's grades! Oh, Elaine got into such a good high school! Oh, Elaine's in ARISTA, isn't that great? OH, BLAH BLAH BLAH."

I am just so sick of it..

[bballchick1]

Well, I never really had to deal with that, and even now I don't have to deal with it, but I do find it sad when parents do that.

It's like making the child feel like their parents aren't satisfied with them.

[*Statues/Shadows*]

I do more now than I did then, actually. My mom has become good friends with one of my friend's mothers, and he's perfect at everything, so while I don't think my mom means to do it, she will say things about him that she's told that make me feel pathetic because I don't really need to be reminded of all the ways my friends are superior to me. Besides which, through elementary school I was actually a really good kid, and there weren't too many other people she knew to compare me to, except maybe James.

I do almost feel bad that my sisters get compared to me, though. Almost.

[*mzkandi*]

Fortunately, my parents never did that. They had the realistic mindset that no child can ever be perfect and that mistakes, misbehavior, disobedience are apart of growing up. Any chastisement I had as a child was place on me to make me a better person as I grew up.

[*disco infiltrator*]

OH yes.

-I got a B in my Math class.
--Why? Why didn't you get an A?
-Because it was a really hard class and I didn't do too well on the tests. A lot of people that I know got Bs.
--Did Deanna or Katrina get a B?
-No, they got As, but---
--Well then, you could have gotten an A.

Common conversation in my household.

[*mona lisa*]

I hate it when that happens, and its almost always about grades. So what if there is this girl who is graduating high school with a 99.1 average and her name and photo is printed in a local newspaper? I'm happy for her. What my parents fail to realize is that there are many factors which contribute to that! I would be to blame for procrastinating and being lazy, but really, I don't like to be compared to complete strangers whom I know very little about.

[Serendipity]

Fortunately, my parents never did that. They had the realistic mindset that no child can ever be perfect and that mistakes, misbehavior, disobedience are apart of growing up. Any chastisement I had as a child was place on me to make me a better person as I grew up.

Mm, me too. If it happened, it only occurred like once or twice. My parents were pretty understanding (my mom esp, being a social worker), so I seldom was compared to other children, thankfully.

[scottypottyboi]

i use to get aloota of that crap when i was in choir they were like damnit scott why cant you be good like your sister...your sister nvr had trouble with this why do u damn scott ur nothing like ur sister..and i swear i hated all that shit i hate being compared to my sister in grades or in any other freakin gay catergories for that matter people think if they judge you by someone elses standards they swear ull meet up with it -_- society these days are so f**kin blind

[xlilaznchickx]

i hate it when my parents compare me with others...like um...my parents would be like why couldnt u be like more like ur sister who's blah blah blah...and then later my parents would be like why cant u be taller like blah blah blah...why couldnt u get an A like blah..

[_sarcastic_]

it's always about the grades, my mom will always compare my grades with her friends who have like SUPER smart kids

[xlilaznchickx]

I get compared all the time, especially to my sister. She was the typical Asian nerd in high school. IB, straight A's. Volunteer work. Room always tidy.

I'm the polar opposite of that.

I'm not my sister. I'm not my mom, either. I don't care if she knew how to cook when she was 7, and if she took care of her sister and brother by the time she was 11. I am not her.

after reading ur post...where u said ur mom learned how to cook when she was 7..it sounds like my dad saying how to learned how to cook and take care around the house when he's was like younger than me..and its soo annoying whenever he mentions that..

[mahokaida]

My parents have never compared me to another person my age, but they compare their younger selves to me. Like, "I never did that when I was younger". Stuff like that. I don't think they goal of the parents is to ruin your self-worth, I think it's more reverse psychology. Maybe they think that if you tell them that they were such and such, that you'll want to be like that so you can prove you're better. At least, my parents would do something like that...they're sneaky.

[iDecay]

My parents do it ALL the time. My dad compares me to my 23 year old cousin. He always says how she was such a good child and how much he loves her. He doesen't show me any freaking love. He says that she's way better than me, and I start crying and my mom tells me to shut up.. I remember him saying that he failed with me. How the hell would he know if I'm only 13? I'm not even in high school yet.. I get my report card, and they're like "WTH? I talked to David's mom and he got better grades than you!" It really pisses me off. They don't help me out with my homework and expect me to bother friends 24/7 for help on homework. They compare me to people in regular classes, when I'm in honors. I've told them that I'm gonna eventually be effed up, but they don't believe it. Heh.

.. Rant much?

[*Azarel*]

I'm not my mom, either. I don't care if she knew how to cook when she was 7, and if she took care of her sister and brother by the time she was 11. I am not her.

I know how that feels.

I was always compared to my friend's overachieving children who received perfect scores on the SATs, had 4.0s, and were accepted to Harvard/Yale/whatever early decision and shit. Of course, in retaliation, I stopped caring abut my grades and let them slip. A lot. Yay spite.

[demolished]

;O
I take it as a motivation.

[*Funkadelic Kiss*]

"Oh, why can't you dress like Jessica?"
"Oh, why can't you be like Jessica, she never gets in trouble in school. Why do you alway start shit?"
"Oh, why are your grades shit, I'm starting to think you are mentally challenged."
"Oh, why are you a shitty ass daughter, I wish I never had you."
(Okay, I kinda exaggerated the last couple of lines but you know ).

I swear to God, I deal with this every f**king day. There's this girl named Jessica that I am always compared to. She's one of those typical straight A's students with straight A's friends. I get so sick of it. It made me feel like shit when I was younger but after all the years of being compared I really don't give a shit anymore. It's my life & my parents can't always have their ways. I usually tell them to "f**k off" or "Go adopt that bitch" or something along those lines. I know, you don't have to tell me what a caring, amazing, grateful, wonderful daughter .

[doom_diver]

On this topic, I agree with Spiritual Winged Aura:

When your parents say that, its just that they want you to get better, which is beneficial for you. Their intention of the comparing is for the good of you : no parents will try to make children a worse person.

So why are you blaming your parents? They are doing it for your good, so start improving yourself.

Dont use that 'I dont give a sh*t, I dont care' mentality. It just means you arent trying to improve yourself and cant be bothered. Dont keep blaming your parents for comparing, why not go improve yourself and make her say how good you are compare to others? Blaming your parents is useless, go blame yourself:

Good: "Yes, my grades seem to be slipping, I have to study harder"
Bad: "Shut up mum, I dont give about my grades!"

Good: "Yes, I should give more respect to my parents"
Bad: "F*** off, b****"

Yes, no one is perfect, but you should at least try.

That BS mentality will get you nowhere, and frankly if you keep it, I dont believe you will achieve much in life. (Unless someone can prove it to me that that mentality can)

[Jeng]

whats with all these topics x;
their good.i think.i cant think cuz its 753 am.
i had this, they compare me to my own cousins x;
i dont care, cuz iam me.not them.
and what liz said

[Mistress Bags]

On this topic, I agree with Spiritual Winged Aura:

When your parents say that, its just that they want you to get better, which is beneficial for you. Their intention of the comparing is for the good of you : no parents will try to make children a worse person.

So why are you blaming your parents? They are doing it for your good, so start improving yourself.

Dont use that 'I dont give a sh*t, I dont care' mentality. It just means you arent trying to improve yourself and cant be bothered. Dont keep blaming your parents for comparing, why not go improve yourself and make her say how good you are compare to others? Blaming your parents is useless, go blame yourself:

Good: "Yes, my grades seem to be slipping, I have to study harder"
Bad: "Shut up mum, I dont give about my grades!"

Good: "Yes, I should give more respect to my parents"
Bad: "F*** off, b****"

Yes, no one is perfect, but you should at least try.

That BS mentality will get you nowhere, and frankly if you keep it, I dont believe you will achieve much in life. (Unless someone can prove it to me that that mentality can)

Perhaps. But in my case, I never gave my mother trouble. I always tried my hardest, and did not ever get into trouble. But nothing was EVER good enough for her. Thanks to her, I always feel like nothing is my best, and that I have to apologize even for things I do correctly.

[soEXCLUSIVE]

My parents are kinda the opposite. When I get a less-than-perfect (but still passing!) score on a test that everyone practically failed, when I try to explain that everyone else failed they just say, "So? You still should've gotten an A!"
Of course that must mean I'm the kinda kid parents compare their kids to XD but I highly doubt that.

[snak3y3z1001]

On this topic, I agree with Spiritual Winged Aura:

When your parents say that, its just that they want you to get better, which is beneficial for you. Their intention of the comparing is for the good of you : no parents will try to make children a worse person.

So why are you blaming your parents? They are doing it for your good, so start improving yourself.

Dont use that 'I dont give a sh*t, I dont care' mentality. It just means you arent trying to improve yourself and cant be bothered. Dont keep blaming your parents for comparing, why not go improve yourself and make her say how good you are compare to others? Blaming your parents is useless, go blame yourself:

Good: "Yes, my grades seem to be slipping, I have to study harder"
Bad: "Shut up mum, I dont give about my grades!"

Good: "Yes, I should give more respect to my parents"
Bad: "F*** off, b****"

Yes, no one is perfect, but you should at least try.

That BS mentality will get you nowhere, and frankly if you keep it, I dont believe you will achieve much in life. (Unless someone can prove it to me that that mentality can)

In my honest opinion, I dont believe comparing your child to another is a good way to "motivate" them. To me they're putting them down. My mom did that to me all the time when I was still in school. I would bust my ass in school yet I can never make here happy.

[Mr. Slowjamz]

i hate it when my parents overly criticize about your personal skills and attributes ......i really got affected by it when i was younger ......and i took the comments very deeply ... .. i feel as though there doubting there kids and what there capable of doing . i come from an asian family so its really hard to escape from criticism they would compare you like its no tommorow ....but now i feel as though its important now ....i`m more tolerant about it , and i guess i understand why there doing it . theres so many people out in the world who are nice to you (might i say who take things differently) .....it will be hard to take criticism . once you`ll realize it .


hope that helps .

[angelrevelation]

i do lots of the time, and my mom uses one person both ways. like 'so-and-so doesn't stay up till midnight...' but then with the same person, 'you dont always have to be like so-and-so' uggh

[breakingdawn]

My dad did that once. My school posts kids who get honors/high honors in the paper, and I only had honors but my best friend got high honors and my dad said something like, "Lauren, you should be getting high honors, Nick does. I bet he doesn't do his homework in front of the tv" (I liked to do my homework while watching That 70's Show last year) Since when is getting honors bad?

My brother always used to compare me to his friend's sister. She was so much skinnier and athletic and musicly inclined than me. And so much less annoying, apparently.