Why English Teachers Die Young, Oh my god, these are hilarious... Options

[adolelolz]

Okay, these are analogies and metaphors found in ACTUAL high school essays, so these aren't made up.

1) Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.

2) His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.

3) He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now he goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.

4) She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.

5) She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.

6) Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

7) He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.

8) The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelitly came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM.

9) The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.

10) McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.

11) From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 instead of 7:30.

12) Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.

13) The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.

14) Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 PM traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 PM at a speed of 35 mph.

15) John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.

16) He fell for her like he was a mob informant and she was the East River.

17) Even in his last years, Grandpappy had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.

18) The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.

19) The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.

20) He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was acutally lame, maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.

21) The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.

22) He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.

23) Her eyes were like limpid pools, only they had forgotten to put in any pH cleanser.

24) She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs.

25) It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to the wall.

[Smoogrish]

19) The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.

Of course not.

[*Blow_Don't_SUCK*]

1) Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two dies gently compressed by a Thigh Master.

3) He spoke with the wisom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now he goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.

4) She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.

5) She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.

8) The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelitly came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM.

9) The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.

10) McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.

11) From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 instead of 7:30.

12) Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.

13) The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.

14) Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 PM traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 PM at a speed of 35 mph.

15) John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.

16) He fell for her like his heard was a mob informant and she was the East River.

17) Even in his last years, Grandpappy had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.

18) The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.

19) The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.

20) He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was acutally lame, maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.

21) The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.

22) He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.

23) Her eyes were like limpid pools, only they had forgotten to put in any pH cleanser.

24) She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs.

25) It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to the wall.

LOL MOSTO F THEM WERE HILARIOUS

[adolelolz]

Wow I made sooo many typos in that...I fixed them now, though.

[Midnight Faerie]

5) She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.

6) Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

11) From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 instead of 7:30.

19) The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.

20) He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was acutally lame, maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.

25) It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to the wall.

Haha. Those are my favorite. XD

[*jooleeah*]

19) The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.

20) He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was acutally lame, maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.

21) The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.

22) He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.

Hahahaha. Those were some of my favorites.

[voguelove]

6) Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

HAHAHA!!

[n00b]

5) She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.

LMAO

I also liked the
6) Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.
the best

[Lavelle]

Oh my god! I almost fell off my chair. My mom's looking at me funny. LOL. My aunt's an English teacher and sometimes she gives me papers to grade for her. And I see stuff like this all the time. Lol. She would love this so much. My favourite was

" He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up. "

Lol.

[hmartin89]

These are quite hilarious. If I was grading their papers I would get a good laugh and give them the creativity mark for sure.

However, with the exceptions of 19, 23, and 9(9 is iffy), these are all similes. They all use the words like or as. Metaphors don't use like or as.

For Example:
4) She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.


To make this a metaphor:
She was a colony of E. coli and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.

[Prophet]

My English teacher is f**king hot. I swear to god she can be a PORNSTAR I mean her ass is perfect OMG lol lmao. I told her when I'm 18 I'm going to come back here. She was like omg Asmir! heheh.

[karmakiller]

^ ummmm

I'm going to school to become an English teacher. I doubt I'll get to grade papers like these, though.

[S-Majere]

8am and I'm sniggering like an idiot. I'll wake everyone up

[Jennifer]

5) She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.

LOL

[USCavalry]

8) The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelitly came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM.
11) From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 instead of 7:30.
20) He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was acutally lame, maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.

these were among the best, great thread by the way.

[datass]

Okay, these are analogies and metaphors found in ACTUAL high school essays, so these aren't made up.

4) She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.

6) Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

7) He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.

9) The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.

19) The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.

20) He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was acutally lame, maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.

24) She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs.

25) It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to the wall.

oh man they made me laugh out loud

[synthase]

GOSH they're all hilarious!

[breakingdawn]

My English teacher is f**king hot. I swear to god she can be a PORNSTAR I mean her ass is perfect OMG lol lmao. I told her when I'm 18 I'm going to come back here. She was like omg Asmir! heheh.

great story

[Stumbleine]

Hilarious.. I never liked my english teachers. They were always bald and weird!

[Joss-eh-lime]

hahaha

15) John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.


24) She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs.

[xCutUpAngelxxx]

"She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli and he was room-temperature Canadian beef."
My personal favourite.

[tailoredtrouble]

9) The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.

10) McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.

HAHAHA!

these two are the best. i about died laughing.

[ChristyChaos]

these just made my day.

i swear.

(thanks for sending this to me austin!)

[austinoutloud]

OHMYGOD.
these are like the funniest things ive seen in a long time.
#6 was definitiely my favourite though.
i laughed at every single one of them

[iDecay]

Aw, I've never seen these before?! Ahhh, those are hilarious. I was rollin'.