now that your gone, yeah boii |
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 Apr 4 2006, 11:51 PM
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#1
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*Influential Guitarist & Inspiring Writer*  Group: Official Member Posts: 1,217 Joined: Sep 2004 Member No: 51,134  |
layin my head down, closin my eyes
till the pain hurts too much,for my tears to run dry ive held you so dearly i kept you so close wishin you were here when i needed you the most walking down memory lane as it echoes in my head the words that you've whispered fades and becomes dead ill walk in the rain and ill drown in gods tears forgive me for my sins ive done over the years just to see you smile, will make everything right just to know your here and to hold me so tight relieve me from this agony ive learned to live theres more for me there than what i have to give im tired of feeling lonely, im tired of pain im so sick of wondering whats there to gain ive should've known in the beggening when it started to dawn i have to open up and realize that your already gone |
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Apr 5 2006, 01:42 AM
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#2
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 I just "got it like that". Group: Member Posts: 247 Joined: Aug 2004 Member No: 41,238 |
I love the direction of the poem, but I think that careless english (i.e. "layin" and "closin") kind of ruins the mood. I don't know, I think it takes the... passion... the emotion out of it. Still, like I said, I love the direction. Good job. :)
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Apr 5 2006, 09:23 AM
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#3
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*Influential Guitarist & Inspiring Writer* Group: Official Member Posts: 1,217 Joined: Sep 2004 Member No: 51,134 |
lol sorry for the bad english, kinda use to writin things wit a little slang in it
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Apr 5 2006, 12:07 PM
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#4
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I just "got it like that". Group: Member Posts: 247 Joined: Aug 2004 Member No: 41,238 |
 No, i get it trust me. I have to correct myself every time.
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Apr 8 2006, 09:16 PM
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#5
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Senior Member Group: Member Posts: 512 Joined: Mar 2004 Member No: 9,682 |
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Apr 9 2006, 12:17 PM
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#6
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 daughter of sin Group: Member Posts: 1,653 Joined: Mar 2006 Member No: 386,134 |
Good ideas, good imagery. I always say this to aspiring writers: stop rhyming. Let your words run free - don't TRY to rhyme, because when you force it, it's obvious.
And you have some spelling/grammar errors that you need to fix. Taylor`` |
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Apr 10 2006, 06:52 PM
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#7
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*Influential Guitarist & Inspiring Writer* Group: Official Member Posts: 1,217 Joined: Sep 2004 Member No: 51,134 |
lol i dont always rhyme if you look at my old posts here i have plenty of pieces w/o rhyming =] i juss felt like rhyming on this one
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Apr 11 2006, 03:43 PM
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#8
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daughter of sin Group: Member Posts: 1,653 Joined: Mar 2006 Member No: 386,134 |
QUOTE(dispn0ygonekrazy @ Apr 10 2006, 7:52 PM)  lol i dont always rhyme if you look at my old posts here i have plenty of pieces w/o rhyming =] i juss felt like rhyming on this one Ohhh that's good then.. Taylor`` |
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Apr 13 2006, 07:45 PM
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#9
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 My name's Katt. Nice to meet you! Group: Member Posts: 3,826 Joined: Jan 2005 Member No: 93,674 |
Right when I started reading, I knew it was you, Michael. Come back!! You're brilliant. I love how you're so sensitive. Beautiful poem.
 =]
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Apr 14 2006, 12:51 AM
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#10
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*Influential Guitarist & Inspiring Writer* Group: Official Member Posts: 1,217 Joined: Sep 2004 Member No: 51,134 |
QUOTE(Paradox of Life @ Apr 13 2006, 5:45 PM) Right when I started reading, I knew it was you, Michael. Come back!! You're brilliant. I love how you're so sensitive. Beautiful poem. =]!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WOW lol U remember ME!!!!!!!!!!! geez IM SORRY I FORGOT YOUR NAME =[ lol I comin back more often =] |
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Apr 14 2006, 09:22 AM
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#11
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My name's Katt. Nice to meet you! Group: Member Posts: 3,826 Joined: Jan 2005 Member No: 93,674 |
OMG. I'm hurt!! My name's Katt as it says in my custom member title. Welcome back!
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