A Story, An odd sort of love story |
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 May 14 2004, 02:56 PM
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#76
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 Senior Member  Group: Staff Alumni Posts: 7,025 Joined: Feb 2004 Member No: 4,051  |
it does keep getting better and better.
 gahhh you always leave us hanging at the end of every chapter!!
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May 14 2004, 10:49 PM
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#77
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 Newbie Group: Member Posts: 5 Joined: Mar 2004 Member No: 9,552 |
*woah* ur stry is sooooooooooo good. u shud post on fictionpress.com too. plz continue ::gives cookie to u::
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May 20 2004, 09:50 AM
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#78
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 Crying Behind Blind Eyes Group: Member Posts: 257 Joined: Mar 2004 Member No: 7,967 |
In this chapter anything in italics is a flashback.
Chapter Eight: She stood up from the bed. She was somewhat delirious, and fell into the wall. She was still crying, and still frightened. She had thought everything would be okay. That everything would work out. That now that she was with Lucien again...they could be happy. She had thought, that they could make the dreams they had, had when they were small kids come back. She waited, sitting on the edge of a small pond, staring into the water at her reflection. God, she hated herself. She was a freak, a no one. She had brought it on herself...she knew this, but it still made her angry, still made her furious. She grabbed a stone from her side and hurled it into the water with rage. Why the hell did she have to be the freak who's real mother had abandoned her like she was nothing!? Why the hell did she have to be stuck in a step-family full of perfect, law-abiding, tongue-biting citizens!? Why did her step-brother, Rilye, have to be so goddamn perfect, while she was nothing? "WHY!?" she screamed without noticing, and buried her face in her hands. All she had ever wanted was to be loved, to be cared for, to have everything that she never had. That was all she wanted...was she really asking to much. She looked once more into the water, and what she saw of her reflection...was a monster. That was why no one would love her, because she was a monster. "That's all I am..." she whispered, as the water rippled, distorting her image, and she wiped desperately at the smudged, running make-up that had come with her tears. Someone's hand clasped over her shoulder, and she jumped. Before she knew it she was turned to face a good-looking boy, who was slightly older in appearance than she. Of course, she knew who he was, the kid's name was Lucien, he was the most popular boy in town. "Hey!" he said, a cute boyish smile forming at his lips, "You're Elise, right?" She nodded slightly, unable to find her voice. This was the first time anyone had showed kindness, and friendliness towards her. "Well, I'm Lucien! It's a pleasure to meet ya," he replied, and then suddenly, took her face in his hands, "You know...you're really pretty. You'll grow up into a beautiful woman and I swear you'll be mine! And we'll live in a house, with two kids, and a dog and cat!" He then moved in, and ran his lips softly over hers. She blinked, and fell back. Her first kiss!? Had she just received her first kiss from him? "Oh, don't worry," he said, reaching a hand down to help her up, "Kissing takes awhile to get used to!" She smiled a bit, that memory had cheered her up at least. She walked out, gathering all her strength, and went to Lucien. Taking his face in her hands she kissed him. "Don't worry...we'll have all the time in the world to get used to it..." she whispered, "We'll fight...if we have to." |
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May 20 2004, 04:30 PM
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#79
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questions make me blue. Group: Member Posts: 2,608 Joined: Feb 2004 Member No: 3,796 |
 ...awww...what a cute chapter...but in real life..would any guy do that?? |
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May 20 2004, 05:58 PM
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#80
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 3,565, you n00bs ain't got nothin' on me. Group: Official Member Posts: 3,761 Joined: Feb 2004 Member No: 3,565 |
QUOTE(ThePrincessofTKD @ May 20 2004, 4:30 PM) ...awww...what a cute chapter...but in real life..would any guy do that?? I doubt it. Oh man, you need to get this story published as sooon as you finish it...Bestseller's... Wow. I am overwhelmed. I can't wait to see what will happen with Vega and stuff...but how did he find out about Vega's anger and his vow to kill and revenge? |
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May 20 2004, 07:17 PM
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#81
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Crying Behind Blind Eyes Group: Member Posts: 257 Joined: Mar 2004 Member No: 7,967 |
Don't worry, I'll explain it all ^^ And I really doubt this would be a bestseller, it's one of my worst ones to be honest.
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May 20 2004, 07:32 PM
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#82
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 always confused Group: Member Posts: 163 Joined: May 2004 Member No: 15,228 |
really nice story
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May 20 2004, 09:52 PM
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#83
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ChErRiE Group: Member Posts: 118 Joined: Mar 2004 Member No: 8,067 |
what one of ur worst ones?? how can that be when everyone loves it?? its so good!! it really would be a good book if u published it i would buy it
i cant wait for the next chapter!
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May 20 2004, 10:14 PM
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#84
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 Senior Member Group: Member Posts: 1,795 Joined: May 2004 Member No: 16,421 |
QUOTE Don't worry, I'll explain it all ^^ And I really doubt this would be a bestseller, it's one of my worst ones to be honest. Heh, I doubt anyone here would say that this is poor writing.. if this is one of your worst, then your best will just blow us away  Anyways.. thats such an awesome story, very sweet, and with lots of drama.. I love it, keep up the good work
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May 21 2004, 07:09 AM
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#85
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questions make me blue. Group: Member Posts: 2,608 Joined: Feb 2004 Member No: 3,796 |
i know a way she could publish it!!!
make it into a manga!
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May 21 2004, 01:37 PM
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#86
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Crying Behind Blind Eyes Group: Member Posts: 257 Joined: Mar 2004 Member No: 7,967 |
I'm not a very good artist...I would give ya'll a Chapter today, but my brother won't leave me alone.
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May 21 2004, 10:52 PM
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#87
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Senior Member Group: Member Posts: 521 Joined: Apr 2004 Member No: 12,812 |
QUOTE(ThePrincessofTKD @ May 20 2004, 4:30 PM) but in real life..would any guy do that?? guys... hahahh...don't think so. not that many guys know what real love is and what it's like to sacrifice for that someone special in their life. ickers. and for the honestly nice and truly good guys... yay for you. |
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May 21 2004, 10:57 PM
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#88
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questions make me blue. Group: Member Posts: 2,608 Joined: Feb 2004 Member No: 3,796 |
QUOTE(Sa-Chan @ May 21 2004, 1:37 PM) I'm not a very good artist...I would give ya'll a Chapter today, but my brother won't leave me alone. you could just hire someone to draw the pics for ya.
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May 22 2004, 11:22 AM
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#89
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Crying Behind Blind Eyes Group: Member Posts: 257 Joined: Mar 2004 Member No: 7,967 |
Okay, guys, still no chapter, but I'm afraid that it turns out with how I want to end this story it's gonna take more than 12 chapters ^^() I'm sorry if that will be longer than you guys like to read one story, but I will try my hardest to keep it interesting. Also, the next chapter may take awhile, cause my parents come home tomorrow, and then I have Rookie Band Camp on Monday and Tuesday, and then depending on things I may have to go on a two day roadtrip to Orlando with my family...gah...I'll try to get it up today.
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May 23 2004, 09:13 AM
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#90
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3,565, you n00bs ain't got nothin' on me. Group: Official Member Posts: 3,761 Joined: Feb 2004 Member No: 3,565 |
QUOTE(Sa-Chan @ May 22 2004, 11:22 AM) Okay, guys, still no chapter, but I'm afraid that it turns out with how I want to end this story it's gonna take more than 12 chapters ^^() I'm sorry if that will be longer than you guys like to read one story, but I will try my hardest to keep it interesting. Also, the next chapter may take awhile, cause my parents come home tomorrow, and then I have Rookie Band Camp on Monday and Tuesday, and then depending on things I may have to go on a two day roadtrip to Orlando with my family...gah...I'll try to get it up today. Grawr. I'll kill you if you don't give me a Chapter by tomorrow. 
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May 24 2004, 02:03 PM
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#91
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Crying Behind Blind Eyes Group: Member Posts: 257 Joined: Mar 2004 Member No: 7,967 |
Chapter Nine:
He had been slightly relaxed by her kiss, by her words. "Don't worry...we'll have all the time in the world to get used to it." He nodded slightly, and took her into his arms. He held her close, and smiled, resting his head on the top of hers. She smelled good, was one thought that came to mind. Like fresh fruit, she smelled girly, but...with a hint of sexiness. They would have all the time in the world to be together...all the time in the world. "I've...decided," he said, "I am going to see my fa-I mean...Vega." He scolded himself. He had almost let it slip. Almost told his secret. His secret that must be hidden forever. If he told, she would never love him again, never accept him. How could he tell her that the man who wanted them both dead was actually his father? That the men who raped her had worked for a man that held his own flesh and blood. He couldn't tell her, he wouldn't tell her. "No!" Elise screamed, their peaceful silence disrupted, "I-I won't let you go there...I won't let you go there alone. Please...please don't go, please don't go to die, Lucien. I...I beg of you! I love you...and we will go together, we will fight together, and if it cannot be helped...we will die together!" He opened his mouth to talk, but he knew it was pointless. He closed his eyes, blinking back his tears. He had to lie to her. He had too...to save her, he had to lie. This was all he could do. He was doing it for them. For their love. If one of them had to die, it would be himself, so she could live on. "You're right..." he said, his voice calm, "We will go together...tomorrow...will you...will you be ready?" Elise nodded, and walked into her room. Good, she needed her rest. He turned to Claire, her eyes were shining with tears. She ran to him, and took him into her arms, cradling him, the young man that he was, like he was a child. "You're going away...aren't you? You're leaving to die?" Claire said, a single tear rolling down her cheek, and then she pushed him away roughly, "I will not mourn for you...and I will advise Elise to do the same..." "I know you will mourn for me, Claire...I know you're just trying to be strong, and that's good. Continue to be strong Claire, never stop being strong. Be strong for yourself, and please...take care of Elise...for me...as my final request, sister?" he said, and for the first time in a long time, he was just a little boy, asking his sister for a favor. He walked away now, and taking a piece of paper and pen from a coffee table in the living room began to write a note. A note that would explain everything to Elise. She deserved to know everything... He then stood, and began his walk...knowing in all entirety, he was walking himself to his own grave. |
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May 24 2004, 04:53 PM
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#92
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Senior Member Group: Member Posts: 1,795 Joined: May 2004 Member No: 16,421 |
Wow... absolutely stunning... very suspenseful... can't wait for the next one
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May 24 2004, 05:52 PM
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#93
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questions make me blue. Group: Member Posts: 2,608 Joined: Feb 2004 Member No: 3,796 |
how devastating..and what a twist to the story..
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May 24 2004, 06:50 PM
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#94
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 Dark Lord of McCandless Group: Member Posts: 2,226 Joined: May 2004 Member No: 16,761 |
Alternate Epilogue -- If this were in Soviet Russia:
The Stasi Guard stood leaning against the red brick wall... Elise was walking home from school, abandoned by Lucien, who turned out to be a Party Operative, a domestic spy. "Halt, citizen!" shouted the Guard. "What is it you want?" "I want your identification papers," said the Guard. "Here you go..." Elise struggled to open her purse, but managed to bring out the card. "Ah, Comrade Argounova. Son of Aleksandr?" "Yes." "Go on, then." Elise kept walking admist the dark streets. The Red Banners were waiving on high. A tear rolled down her cheek... Her life was a shattered ruin? But the Proletarian Republic was building a new electric plant on the Volga! Her love was a failure? But the People's Coal Mining Collective had exceeded it's quota this year! Boston, provincial capital of the new People's Territory of New England, was awful cold this time of year. Elise looked up at the defiantly waiving red flag. For eighteen years she had struggled to understand this life and love! For eighteen years the struggle lasted every day! She sat down on a dark bench and took out a cigarette and lighted it. "Comrade," a Stasi approached her, "There is cigarette rationing today. They must be saved for the Army for fighting on the Ozark Front." "I'm sorry, Comrade..." "Comrade Starkov. Ivan Borisovich Starkov. At the service of the Proletariat. I'm afraid we must confiscate your cigars." "But..." Elise was not in the mood for this right now. "They're mine!" "Ownership is such a capitalist concept, citizen. If you wish to..." "I refuse!" shouted Elise. "Very well then." Comrade Starkov pulled out his 9-mm Malakov and shot Elise twice through the chest. She keeled forward in the bench and soon feel, laying motionless on the ground. As she laid, her mouth showed a smile, one last smile. Now, she was finally free. "Comrade Starkov!" Ivan Borisovich turned around. It was the commissar. "What happened here?" "A citizen-bouregois, Comrade Commissar. Nothing more." "Carry on then. I'll call a detail." "Yes, sir!" And so Ivan continued walking down the dark street and further into the endless night that had covered all the lands... |
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May 24 2004, 08:46 PM
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#95
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Crying Behind Blind Eyes Group: Member Posts: 257 Joined: Mar 2004 Member No: 7,967 |
QUOTE(ComradeRed @ May 24 2004, 6:50 PM) Alternate Epilogue -- If this were in Soviet Russia: The Stasi Guard stood leaning against the red brick wall... Elise was walking home from school, abandoned by Lucien, who turned out to be a Party Operative, a domestic spy. "Halt, citizen!" shouted the Guard. "What is it you want?" "I want your identification papers," said the Guard. "Here you go..." Elise struggled to open her purse, but managed to bring out the card. "Ah, Comrade Argounova. Son of Aleksandr?" "Yes." "Go on, then." Elise kept walking admist the dark streets. The Red Banners were waiving on high. A tear rolled down her cheek... Her life was a shattered ruin? But the Proletarian Republic was building a new electric plant on the Volga! Her love was a failure? But the People's Coal Mining Collective had exceeded it's quota this year! Boston, provincial capital of the new People's Territory of New England, was awful cold this time of year. Elise looked up at the defiantly waiving red flag. For eighteen years she had struggled to understand this life and love! For eighteen years the struggle lasted every day! She sat down on a dark bench and took out a cigarette and lighted it. "Comrade," a Stasi approached her, "There is cigarette rationing today. They must be saved for the Army for fighting on the Ozark Front." "I'm sorry, Comrade..." "Comrade Starkov. Ivan Borisovich Starkov. At the service of the Proletariat. I'm afraid we must confiscate your cigars." "But..." Elise was not in the mood for this right now. "They're mine!" "Ownership is such a capitalist concept, citizen. If you wish to..." "I refuse!" shouted Elise. "Very well then." Comrade Starkov pulled out his 9-mm Malakov and shot Elise twice through the chest. She keeled forward in the bench and soon feel, laying motionless on the ground. As she laid, her mouth showed a smile, one last smile. Now, she was finally free. "Comrade Starkov!" Ivan Borisovich turned around. It was the commissar. "What happened here?" "A citizen-bouregois, Comrade Commissar. Nothing more." "Carry on then. I'll call a detail." "Yes, sir!" And so Ivan continued walking down the dark street and further into the endless night that had covered all the lands... Wow! I wasn't expecting this, but I rather like it. You really got how I first wanted to portray Elise down ^^() I started off really wanting her to be the furious, abandoned-lover, but then I thought about it more and more, and when it finally came down to it I decided. That happens way to much. So I decided to give her, her love back, and portray Lucien as a hurting lover and person in genuine. I could tell the story much better that way, and make it more poetic, but who's to say I'm not going to tear them apart again. But to you Comrade Red, I really like this! ^_^! Go you! Rock on! Now everyone's gonna think you're a better writer lol. |
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May 25 2004, 04:27 PM
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#96
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ChErRiE Group: Member Posts: 118 Joined: Mar 2004 Member No: 8,067 |
wow i cant believe that vega
 was his dad!! man i like ur story more and more everytime i read it!! i cant wait for the next chapter!
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May 25 2004, 08:06 PM
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#97
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 i'm susan Group: Official Member Posts: 13,875 Joined: Feb 2004 Member No: 5,029 |
hmm... kinda got lost but newais the first post, u wrote sa-chan i guess u wrote it lols newais it's sad wen her bf went to the prom with this other girl...thats jus wrong.
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May 25 2004, 08:10 PM
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#98
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Dark Lord of McCandless Group: Member Posts: 2,226 Joined: May 2004 Member No: 16,761 |
QUOTE(anqel_r0h @ May 25 2004, 8:06 PM) hmm... kinda got lost but newais the first post, u wrote sa-chan i guess u wrote it lols newais it's sad wen her bf went to the prom with this other girl...thats jus wrong. There is no right or wrong, only power. In Soviet Russia, prom goes to you! |
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May 26 2004, 10:36 AM
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#99
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Crying Behind Blind Eyes Group: Member Posts: 257 Joined: Mar 2004 Member No: 7,967 |
QUOTE(ComradeRed @ May 25 2004, 8:10 PM) There is no right or wrong, only power. In Soviet Russia, prom goes to you! Mmm...only power...? I don't really like that saying. This story's more about the power of friendship, love, and faith overcoming what...what is unspeakable odds. |
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May 26 2004, 11:05 AM
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#100
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Dark Lord of McCandless Group: Member Posts: 2,226 Joined: May 2004 Member No: 16,761 |
QUOTE(Sa-Chan @ May 26 2004, 10:36 AM) Mmm...only power...? I don't really like that saying. This story's more about the power of friendship, love, and faith overcoming what...what is unspeakable odds. Still, in Soviet Russia, prom goes to you... 
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