Change is inevitable, right? Options

[me1issaaaa]

So, I really don't know who to talk to about this. I don't really want to tell my mom, because I don't want her to hate him and say, "I told you so". I don't know what to say to my best friend, because she's never been in this situation. ANd I can't talk to Drew, because... the problem is him and he just doesn't understand where I'm coming from. So I'm at the point to where I really don't care anymore, I'm so confused.


For the last year and three weeks, my boyfriend Drew and I have been happier than I could have ever imagined. Everything was just amazing in every way, and I thought we were both actually the perfect couple together.

Friday afternoon, he called like he always does, everything's fine, we're just a little tired because it's Friday. Then I don't hear from him until around 11 that night. He calls, I answer the phone, and he says "We need to talk". And you know it's not good after that.

He said he wants space. The thing is... he's 700 miles away. (How much more space does a person need?) He says he wants to hang out with his friends until 4 in the morning like he used to before his accident Backtrack: in October, he was in an accident and was hospitalized. Ever since then, though he's completely recovered, he hasn't been the same person; It's like he's not as attentive, he doesn't show the same emotions, he had been lying to me about stupid things. All of that.

We were just so happy that I guess we figured that we would be together forever. I mean, as stupid as it sounds, we really did think it would turn out that way. But now he doesn't want to talk about our future, our marriage, the fact that we're engaged now, our children we had hoped to have, any of it. He says he doesn't want to think about the future because he can't guarentee that any of it will happen. I understand where he's coming from, but I'm the type of person who wants to talk about those things because God knows I would drop everything and marry that boy tomorrow. I want to spend the rest of my life with him, and it kills me to know that he has the slightest bit of doubt about it all.

After I had been crying all that night and most of the day after, he called around 3 that afternoon and wanted to say that he didn't mean it the way he said it. He doesn't want to break up, but he doesn't want to have the responsibility to call every single night. I understand that he doesn't have to, but why wouldn't he want to?

I suppose I pretty much shot myself in the foot for this one. I've basically rearranged my entire life to fit around his schedule because all I want to do is talk to him, and I don't really think that's healthy.




So... do you think I brought this upon myself? Any advice?


I have never felt so utterly confused. A little embracement or something would help. I hope someone understands what I'm trying to say.

[_sarcastic_]

i hope you feel better soon

i kinda do know how you feel i went through that exact same situation a few months before, like you i would change my entire schedule to fit my bf's, drop everything i was doing to talk to him, and we actually also did talk about our future and i thought we would last forever. then he started to drift away, now he's my ex. well tell him how you're feeling, maybe he has a reason on why he can't call every night? you have a reason to be worried, talk it out with him, maybe it'll make you feel better.

sorry if i was no help

[Hiphop d[-_-]b]

I dont think you brought this upon yourself, but you said so yourself, your changed your whole word to revolve around him. Maybe he was feeling a bit suffocated. I could very,very well understand your very,very upset. I see you posting about him all the time, and I cant just tell you two are in deeeeep love.

Maybe since his accident, He's been thinking about life. Realizing that his time is short, and he needs to experience everything. Meet new people, do new things. But that doesnt mean he wants you out of the picture. Its really good you understand where hes coming from. Dont beat yourself up over this, its not good. Let him have his space, and when he comes around, he knows you'll always be there to support him through whatever and whenever. (:

[*mipadi*]

I don't think it's that he never wants to call you. Let me use the example of my friend, Noah. Noah's been seeing this girl for almost three years. He's an awesome guy all-around. He values his friends, and his girlfriend, and he's always there for them, no matter what. He really values her as well--she's very important to him.

The thing is, she expects him to call every night, and text-message her before he goes to bed. She calls him all the time, too. (For clarification, I'm not saying you're as demanding as that, I'm just making an example.) Now, I respect that he's going to spend a lot of time with her, and even talk to her on the phone, or message her, when we're hanging out—and I certainly don't mind. Hell, I'd probably do the same if I was in a relationship, and one thing I try to avoid is being a hypocrite. But at the same time, when he's out with the guys, sometimes he just doesn't get a chance to call or text-message her. If we're out shooting pool, or driving around, or even just watching TV until the wee hours of the morning, he might neglect to call. It's not that he doesn't want to talk to her in general, but if he's hanging out with friends, he might not get a good opening to really talk to her.

My point is that your guy may be feeling the same way. It's not that he's never going to call you again, but he doesn't want to feel pressured to do so if he's hanging out with some friends.

[*Zatanna*]

I'm so sorry that you're going through this. There isn't a definitive answer or solution. Bottom line - you have to give him the space he asked for. I know, it feels risky, scary and I'm sure you are having many doubts as to how he feels, your future, etc. Hang in there. Everything happens for a reason. (Even though I really hate it when people say that to me, it's true).

[anniepiee]

I dont think you brought this upon yourself, but you said so yourself, your changed your whole word to revolve around him. Maybe he was feeling a bit suffocated. I could very,very well understand your very,very upset. I see you posting about him all the time, and I cant just tell you two are in deeeeep love.

Maybe since his accident, He's been thinking about life. Realizing that his time is short, and he needs to experience everything. Meet new people, do new things. But that doesnt mean he wants you out of the picture. Its really good you understand where hes coming from. Dont beat yourself up over this, its not good. Let him have his space, and when he comes around, he knows you'll always be there to support him through whatever and whenever. (:

exactly what i had in mind.
even though he's 700 miles away, he is probably stressed about how he has to call you every night, therefore he cant relax when he's with his friends out late.

i'm kinda going through the same thing, i expect him to call every night, be there to talk to me whenever. slowly i've realized that i'm suffocating him, and it seems like he doesnt appreciate me as much anymore, but it's all in my head. I know he loves me a lot. I'm sure ur boyfriend loves you a lot too.
give him some space, and i hope you guys will work out perfectly

[topsyturvy]

... and we actually also did talk about our future and i thought we would last forever.  then he started to drift away, now he's my ex.

That happened to me too. I guess i wasn't giving him enough space.

[_sarcastic_]

That happened to me too.  I guess i wasn't giving him enough space.

i gave him abit too much space, i would let him hang out with girls alone like one on one and he cheated on me

[*Programmer*]

well..i was cheering for you guys...from the get go.... i knew the relationship was long distance...sorry if this seems cold...but obviously...he doesn't feel the same way anymore...best bet is to cut your losses...and move on....because your only going to bring yourself pain if you don't...trust me i was once in a relationship for over 5 years....please im begging you cut your losses...

[*mipadi*]

well..i was cheering for you guys...from the get go....   i knew the relationship was long distance...sorry if this seems cold...but obviously...he doesn't feel the same way anymore...best bet is to cut your losses...and move on....because your only going to bring yourself pain if you don't...trust me i was once in a relationship for over 5 years....please im begging you cut your losses...

I disagree. Part of being in a relationship is making things work, not just bailing as soon as things get tough. If they've made it work this long, they should at least make an attempt to make it continue to work.

[*Programmer*]

I disagree. Part of being in a relationship is making things work, not just bailing as soon as things get tough. If they've made it work this long, they should at least make an attempt to make it continue to work.

listen....i agree with you that they should try to work it out....but...there over 700 miles apart and that alone is a crippler right there....and to top that the guy drew is asking for more space...he obviously does not want to work anything out....

[*mipadi*]

listen....i agree with you that they should try to work it out....but...there over 700 miles apart and that alone is a crippler right there....and to top that the guy drew is asking for more space...he obviously does not want to work anything out....

I'm not sure that's the right conclusion. As I pointed out in my earlier anecdote, sometimes when guys are hanging out with their friends, they don't have an opportune time to call their girlfriend. I could be wrong, but he doesn't seem to be saying that he never wants to call, just that he doesn't want to feel obligated to do so if he happens to be out with some friends.

[upf147]

truthfully, i dont understand long distance relationships, on one part i dont like the idea because one, you cant keep tabs on the person to make sure the trust factor is still there, they can do anything, and two, you dont even see each other, how can you date someone you dont even see. But on the other hand i feel so bad for those people because, its bad enough for me to not see my girlfriend for a day, but i cant imagine barely ever seeing her, it would drive me COMPLETELY insane thinking about it. so i dont know.....just thought id share that.

[EddieV]

truthfully, i dont understand long distance relationships, on one part i dont like the idea because one, you cant keep tabs on the person to make sure the trust factor is still there, they can do anything

That's why you have a lil something called faith.

[me1issaaaa]

truthfully, i dont understand long distance relationships, on one part i dont like the idea because one, you cant keep tabs on the person to make sure the trust factor is still there, they can do anything, and two, you dont even see each other, how can you date someone you dont even see. But on the other hand i feel so bad for those people because, its bad enough for me to not see my girlfriend for a day, but i cant imagine barely ever seeing her, it would drive me COMPLETELY insane thinking about it. so i dont know.....just thought id share that.

I respect your opinion, but the thing is we actually do have the trust factor.



Okay, we've talked about it a little and I guess we're just going to see how things go for a bit. Oh, and I don't remember if I've mentioned before, but he said that HE DOESN'T WANT TO BREAK UP OR ANYTHING LIKE A BREAK UP. So... I appreciate your thoughts, Rico, and I thank you very much, but we're not breaking up.

I think we just kind of rushed into it a bit too soon, but we're 100% willing to work everything out and go through everything together. We're still in love, we still trust each other and all of that, but we're going to back off just a tad so neither of us feel pressured about anything.





Only problem is now... I think his friends have kind of influenced his opinions. He talked to them Friday before we had the whole discussion, and I think he's being influenced on their thoughts.



Oh, and thank you, everybody. :font:

[*not_your_average*]

Melissa, you didn't bring this upon yourself. I know that you and Drew are madly in love with each other. People do change, and your boyfriend is no exception. If you guys made it for a year and three weeks, I think you can make it through this time. You said that your life revolves around him. That, I think, is what you need to change. Every relationship has its rough patch. Just go with it and try to let everything take its own course.

[priyas]

maybe you have high expectations of him according to Drew. but Hope You Feel Betta Soon.

[FoxBandCutie08]

Sounds like he's just having some doubts about your guys' relationship. Maybe the accident woke him up to somethign he didn't see before or something. Some guys get restless after being with a girl fro a while and want to have a little bit of freedom. Well whatever it is, I hopa he gets over it and you guys can go back to normal. Why don't you try reassuring him that you guys are in fact the prefect couple?

[Rachel]

Only problem is now... I think his friends have kind of influenced his opinions. He talked to them Friday before we had the whole discussion, and I think he's being influenced on their thoughts.
Oh, and thank you, everybody. :font:

I hate friends. Seriously, they are the main cause of all the fights in my relationship. A lot of the times, the boys get jealous because they aren't in a serious/loving relationship. It takes a lot of work to keep cool and not let them influence you.

I hope it all works out dear.

[me1issaaaa]

So as you probably know by now, we broke up on Sunday. I really think he regrets it as much as I do. If he meant everything he's ever told me before, he had to at least have rethought it, right?

He said the distance thing is just too hard for him now. He said he can't keep waiting a few months to fly out and see me for only a few days, and then just go back home and wait another few months. But the thing is... that's never been a problem before. We've always said that we have what it takes. I'm still 100% willing to wait for him, because God knows even if it's only a few days, those are the best days we could ever ask for. I really, really need to talk to him about this.




God, I'm so f**king confused. I haven't been able to eat anything since Sunday, I can't focus, I can't think. I'm going out of my f**king brain.

[*islandgirl4eva*]

Has he told you not to talk to him? Lik, to try to stay away from him or whatever? Because in my opinion, you need to follow that gut feeling you have. That's the only thing that you can trust.

[me1issaaaa]

No, he's never done anything like that. When we broke up, he said that he still wanted to be "best friends" and remain close and everything.

[*swtcherriipie*]

Sometimes change comes when it is un-wanted.... =\ Really just depends on how you look at the situation right?

[creamyxlicious]

"space" is a weird word. It's probably just me but that word, I feel like everytime I hear it being used it turns out to be a lame way of saying "I don't want to deal with this". So I feel an invisable negative ura around that word like the ura around the word "we need to talk".

Happened to one of my friends and my ex used that line
(I thought you wanted "space") as an excuse to run away from me too..

But I hope for the best for your situation.
Maybe he's just trying to sort things out of his head..

[me1issaaaa]

Okay, thanks everyone for your opinions, but...


Just a quick update:


We have decided to take a break for a little bit so we aren't flooded with any pressure from each other. We are probably going to get back together soon, but we've agreed to have a little breathing time for ourselves and focus on our school and family and friends, because we've both lost focus on those things. Just a little time to catch up on those things, you know? We still feel the same love and admiration for each other, that hasn't changed at all. But this is something we have to do for our own selves.

I know this probably isn't very common or anything, but we think it'll work for us. We've never really been ordinary. Of course, whatever may happen in the future, we will always be there to support one another, whether as a friend, boyfriend/girlfriend, fiance, spouse, whatever it may be.