createblog diary, v.6 Options

[xTINAA]

Cassie dear, I would never laugh at you. That is definetely not a laughing matter. I hope you feel better. Don't listen to those people. You know what I've concluded? More than half the people in this world are ignorant, stupid, rotten, mean, whatever else. Don't listen to them. You're a good person and honestly what you look like doesn't matter. Have your inward beauty shine outward by just loving yourself. I know it's hard to do, trust me. I can't even do that yet. I still think I'm ugly and fat and stupid and whatever else. Feel better okay? It's okay, sometimes we need to cry and sometimes we need attention. And y'know the mere fact that you have to go to an online journal and write about it like I do just means that the people right there in front of you and me either don't care or don't know something's wrong. It doesn't really make us pathetic. It's just another way of letting it all out.

[Retrogressive]

Cassie! I love you!!! Everybody sucks.
//edit
and honestly I think that you look more like a model than something stupid. People make fun of me too, I'm too fat or too geeky or whatever. But you, when I saw your pictures I thought you should be a model. I think you're very pretty.


Dear CB diary,

I'm too tired to continue with her. I really think it's over.
If I wasn't such a coward...
finish this sentance with anything.

Linda Belle

[*jooleeah*]

Chrissy- Thanks dear. It's nice to know somebody cares about you. :] I hope you feel better too.
Cassie- What would make you think that people would laugh at you? Everybody goes through hardtimes. Your physical appearance does not matter- people love you for your personality. At least, I know I do. =) you're such a sweet girl, Cassie. You deserve none of that bullshit that people give you. Be strong, okay?

Dear cB diary,
It's amazing how my mood can change so easily from being angry to happy in a second.

Sometimes I do deep thinking, and I think about things that scare me. Like how grandma might fall again and break her bone again- making her very weak. I got so scared last time she fell. She used to be so strong-willed, and now she's just...there, with nothing to do with herself. I really do pity her. I wish I could do something to make it better, but I can't. I can never do anything. Plus, if I tried to, I would get pushed away. I'm too "immature" for that. I'm scared of grandpa taking another walk and getting lost. It's not even like he has that disease where people forget things. No. He just walks off into wherever, not knowing where he is. It makes me feel so..depressed. Another thing that scares me is thinking about his cancer. What if he dies any second? What if he dies right now? Do you have any idea how guilty I would feel if he died while I was having fun? Why can't I be there for my grandparents? They loved me and fed me when I was small. They were like my own parents when mom and dad were at work. They're the ones who taught me most of my morals and how to respect others. I have no idea what I'm going to do without them. I don't know how much time I have left with grandpa. Sometimes I wish I could just walk up to him and tell him everything that I'm feeling, but I know he wouldn't understand. My Chinese isn't great anymore, and plus, he's deaf in one ear. He's partly blind. He has no hands. What can I do about that? Nothing. I'm so useless. I feel so sorry for him. For these last couple of weeks, I can see that he really loves grandma. He's always asking her if she needs help to get up from a chair, or to get some food...even though he knows that he can't do anything because of his disabilities. I feel bad that I can't be there for either of them. I'm so selfish. God. Goddamnit, what would I do if he died right now? I know my life is going to change yet AGAIN. I'm going to go through one major downfall. Again. Damn.

Last year, I would randomly burst out in tears during school just thinking about Grandpa's cancer. People would ask me what was wrong- and I'd ignore them. They couldn't understand. They wouldn't understand. They're immature dumbshits, anyway. Spoiled dumbshits. Nothing bad ever happens to these kids in my town. They get everything they've ever wanted and needed handed to them on a silver plate. They're so lucky. I get jealous sometimes.

I'm not even my grandparent's favorite. I'm probably one of their least favorites out of all of my cousins. Alex is their favorite. Why the hell is Alex their favorite? He doesn't deserve anything that's given to him. He's a good brother sometimes, but he can also be the worst person in the world. He's dropped out of college a million times, and he rarely goes to school. All he does is sleep, drink, and go clubbing out with his friends. What kind of lifestyle is that? He could've done well. He could've had a great future. All that hard work he did in highschool is now gone and lost. Dropping out of Georgia Tech was the worst thing he's ever done to our family. All that wasted money that dad and mom had to work for. They're STILL paying for everything he has. No job. No money- but he somehow gets it from dad anyway- even if he doesn't deserve it. Sometimes I wish he was kicked out- but I know that he'd just be allowed back in. He's supposed to be an adult by now, for godsake. Goddamnit, I wish he would f**king get his life together. Mom and Dad are always fighting over HIM. He's so selfish. So irresponsible. f**king get a job already. Move out. Be someone you're supposed to be. Don't go screwing up your life even more. Stop drinking and partying all the time. Get your life back together- I've been patient for a long time. I'm sick of you acting like you're the shit and you have everything together- when you really don't. I'm so tired of Alex. Goddamnit, sometimes I wish he could set a good example for Henry and I. I feel sorry for Henry- he has no brother to look up to.

Then again, when I think about it..I'm not that much of a good sister, either. Always yelling, screaming at Henry. I'm a terrible sister. Though, I do try to set a good example for him. Doing the IB program, taking harder classes- though, I'm not good enough. Not smart enough for this shit. I carry so much resonsibility on my shoulders sometimes. I hate having to take care of my little brother sometimes- always having to take him to places with my friends, helping him with his homework, doing his chores, etc. Why can't he do anything for himself? He's supposed to be at least a little mature by now. I wish he would try harder in school. I know my parents are saving up money for HIS college tuition- not mine. Why? Because I can get more scholarships, I suppose. Whatever...I'm not smart enough for that. I'm not good enough for that. Which leads me onto what I was thinking the other night...I'm not pretty, skinny, or smart enough for my parents. Never.

Maybe I should quit dance. I've been dancing since I was five years old, and I had always done well up until these last couple of years. My physical appearance hasn't been as great as its always been- which I know shouldn't matter, because if I try hard, it should be just fine right? But no. I'm always doing something wrong now- I never get solos anymore. f**k, other people are worse than me. I'm no longer the teacher's favorite. I don't know anymore. Whatever.

School is tough. I hate school so much sometimes. I don't know what gets me to get up at 6:00 in the morning just to go to some hate-filled place. I don't know if I can handle all this stress anymore- and it's just my freshman year. I wonder what it's going to be like in junior year. Goddamnit, what am I going to do with my life?

I think I'll stop now...this entry was really long.
-julia.

[mzbbc]

dear cB diary,

i feel so f**ked right now. see i have all this shit to do, which i haven't even started. i don't know why the f**k i think i can pull all this off. imma be stressing so much later on it isn't even funny. just three more weeks until finals. and then i'll be free. free to go off where i wanna go.

please.

alright- now i will do all my work this week, i really will try

Maia
xoxo

[xTINAA]

Dear cB Diary,
Wow. What a day. And to think it's not even over yet. I can't believe that meeting went the way it did. It was unexpected and quite frankly, it pissed me the hell off. Know what else pissed me off? School.

Yeah, school. I loathe, abhor, hate, dislike school. I have never felt such animosity toward something and to think it's not really a person or anything, it's just some stupid building with some stupid rules and some stupid ideas.

Let's get this straight. I love to learn. I love learning new facts, reading about far off places, thinking hard about deep questions but what I don't love is all the tedious hours of bullshit work that get me nowhere. Yeah, I procrastinate, yeah I am lazy, but regardless the work is still stupid and unhelpful and most importantly, a waste of time.

Take for example the math internal assessment. Bloody hell. What are those IB people thinking? Do they think I have hours and hours to attend to some damn math problem and then to ask for us to type it up all nicely for them. Why? It serves no real purpose, helps me in no way. It's not like ten years from now someone is going to come up to me and ask me, "oh did you do that math internal assessment senior year of highschool?"

That's my philosophy of grades too. I mean, honestly, it's not like my fiancee is going to be like, "Oh hold up. Did you fail biology junior year of highschool? If so, I don't think we can get married." What significance do those little letters on a piece of paper hold to me? NONE. In no way whatsoever does it rank my achievements as a person but rather is ranks all my achievements in bullcrap. Wow, that's exciting.

Not only do I hate school but I'm just not in a good mood. Haven't been since mid-September which was pointed out to me today by someone I would have least expected. And you know what? That hurts. Everything hurts. It hurts how not only do I have to be reminded of it but I have to be reminded daily. Every single day. It hurts even if I'm not being reminded of it because I always carry it with me. It's not easy to forget when and how your heart broke.

Anyways, all in all, today was not such a great day. Possibly because it started off so badly. 12AM and on was no picnic, let me tell you. Crying for hours and hours, pulling out my hair, screaming, praying, rolling around, feeling weak, collapsing, not being able to breathe, shaking, kicking, punching myself, was just NOT fun. And that's exactly how this November 14th started.

I bet that it'll end the same as well.
-Me.

[*lolita kitty*]

chrissy and julia. i really dont know what to say. i feel like i should just write a long letter to the both of you like you did to me, but .. i just.. dont know
all i can say is, thank you both

dear cb diary,

im praying, i really am. i just want things to get better, and they arent. today sucked, and ill admit it.

i wore my hair down. it looked really pretty. i straightened it and pushed my bangs to the side and wore some cute mascara.
you know what they said? "oh cassie. you look emo with your bangs like that, and i like your hair curly. and you really dont need bags, and i think you look pretty without makeup"
. when i think i look my best, i actually look horrible.

the skinnyness thing. i cant stand it. i brushed it off, but. man. i just.
i want to gain weight. im tired of writing 5309853805038 pages on this. im self concious about my weight, and thats it. i need to gain weight. i need a tan. asdpgngfgf. damn me.

carrie, im sick of you. you are the snottiest 9 year old sister anyone could ever have. i snuck online to write in the cb diary again, and you ratted me out. i was pissed and crying, and you still wnet up to dad and told im i was on, and then smirked at me. honey, you have no idea what its like to be 14, so back off..
then he yelled at me, and you just walked you little ass in your room like it was all nothing.
i hate you, you snob. you always do this because you think its funny or something.

brandi, SHUT UP. im not your barbie, and im not perfect. i dont want to dress like you, get rid of my bangs, and stay skinny. i do what i want, and just becasuse you tell me im ugly a certain way does not mean i will just smile and say "oh okay! ill be just like you because you're perfect!".
bitch.

cami. why does everyone like her. she's like a best friend to me, and yet i hate her. she's pretty. she has pretty hair, and a nice face. SHE HAS A NORMAL WEIGHT. cute clothes.
i hate being friends with her. everyone always comes up to her and says hi. when we walk to class together, its always all of our friends "OMG HI CAMI I LOVE YOUR CLOTHES RHEUFYFYFYOFYOWIUUI!!!!!"
i dont mean to sound like a bitch. but. what about me.
i feel so stupid liek this. my friends wont listen. i have come to the conclusion that you just cant talk to 12 and 13 year olds. they are all immature and stupid. chrissy, you were right. More than half the people in this world are ignorant, stupid, rotten, mean, whatever else. whatever you say to them, they just say "okay", look away, and begin to talk to your other friends.

bitches, do you care? all i want is to look at you, tell you everything about .. whats bothering me. and then you to give me advice like a good friend, and thats it. but all you guys do is laugh. you know? thats what i hate about you people, my group of friends. you are the most in-sensitive people in the world.

.....

....


on my birthday, when i cried. remember that? i was so embaressed of myself. i never even said this in the cb diary.
no one bought me balloon, or rushed up to me like a celebrity to scream "HAPPY BIRTHDAY CASSIE!!!!!"
im not being selfish. well. i am. but. everyone else gets that. they all come to school with 4380945 balloons and all that shit, and are crowded the whole day with people saying it to you. "happy birthday"
i got no balloons, besides that tinkerbell one from my dad. i felt so pathetic, dragging that around all day. i was selfish, and didnt even ant it. and i hated myself, because my dad gave me that with a big smile, and i didnt even care
how selfish am i?
and no one said happy birthdyay either. well, they did. but no one came running. taylor and courtney said it with smug looks on their faces, nd that wasit. no one sang it to me in class. no one wrote it on the board, like all the other kids did fr everyone else.
i felt like i didnt mater. this day, two weeks ago.
and thne in dance class, i started to cry, alot. like i am now. i felt so stupid that i would be selfish like that. i didnt get what i wanted and i just had to get over it. and then i ran out of the class in my ugly little leotard exposing myself, and hid in the bathroom for half of the class, until my dance teacher came and got me, and told me happy birthday.

i didnt tell anyone that thishappened that day. it was my birthday, i was supposed to smile. but i couldnt. the only people who knew were the ones who were there that day.

and all of you, you moody disgusting teenagers, you didnt care. catlyn. i walked up to you jokingly and said "you need said it to me!"
all you did was sit there and say so? with a dead and serious look on your face.
tori. when they told you, you didnt even care?
that was one of the worst days this year. i wish you all could read this right now. and see how my oh so special birthday actually was. yeah, thats right.

i hated it. and i dont even speak of it until two weeks later.
i am so pathetic. i need to smile for once.

[*jooleeah*]

dear cb diary,
why the f**k am i being so emotional lately? it's pathetic. really.
today, I finished reading the book i checked out yesterday. it was the novel, "When Dad Killed Mom". you'd think it'd be a stupid book because the title is pretty bad...but nope, it's pretty good. the kids in the book go through so much shit, it's crazy. i have no idea what the hell i would do in their place. it made me realize how selfish i am. those two kids lost both of their parents- one to death, another to insanity/jail/compulsive lying. what would i do in that situation? what if that happened to me? i don't know where i would be without my parents. usually, i'm appreciative of them- but i don't think that's enough. i don't know. it just made me realize that i take so many things for granted...and i shouldn't. gah.
homework time.
-julia.

cassie: =) anytime dear. if you need someone to talk to..PM me. remember, don't let those kids get to you.

[*mzkandi*]

Dear cB-
Wheeee!!! I had to get my car towed, oh happy joy!! Yeah so apperantly I will have to fork over $505.00 + tax tommorrow for the towing services and car repairs. I had plans for that money, dag nabbit!!! Ahh well...on top of that, it looks like I may have to sell my car......

-K

[mzbbc]

dear cB diary,

here i am cBing again. god i have issues. like, i can't control myself. seriously, i should be doing work, but i just don't want to.

so then i don't.

the worst part is that i know what i'm doing, and i do it anyway.


damn today was a crappy day.

Maia
xoxo

[*Azarel*]

Dear createBlog diary,

I don't even know where to begin. I don't even know how it came to this. I even thought things were beginning to go my way. It was stupid of me to ever think that way. Stupid. I should know better by now. But I never learn. It's the same shit over and over again, anyway.

I guess it all fell apart when I talked to Brandon last Wednesday. Brandon, the one that's "dead." He doesn't seem too dead to me, but yanno, I could be mistaken. We talked for a little, and even now, it all still seems a bit surreal. The truth was so glaring obvious, though; I should've seen it earlier--I know I saw the signs, but I disregarded them. I should've acted sooner--I didn't though, I couldn't bring myself to. I believed in him. I trusted him with so much.

I'd told everyone that he wouldn't hurt me, that it'd be my own fault; I told them I wasn't stupid enough not to think of their warnings on my own. Even if I thought of them, I guess I was blind. I saw all the little inconsistencies, so I suppose it's my own fault that I'm hurt now. It was all so unbelievable; I knew it, too. I wanted, maybe even needed, it all to be true. But as always, I should've known. I'll probably never be happy.

I felt bad that I so immediately distrusted him and not "Brandon," but if he didn't lie, it was a sick joke. But if I had reason to so quickly disregard the seven months--actually, more like four--months we had spent talking, then it wasn't my fault. Our bond wasn't strong, not like I thought it was. But there's only so much you can get from online chats and hours on the phone.

But then the question therein still lies: did I truly love him? I was in love with a lie, which means that I might as well not have been in love--at least then, it wouldn't hurt. I don't think I'll ever have the chance to talk to him again; I get the hunch that he's blocked me, cut me off, gotten over me already. I just wish I knew the truth.

Things had been going too well for too long. It needed to happen. And I guess Brandon was an omen; my laptop was found out the next night. I couldn't stay in this prison, couldn't; I had to get out--I went to Eugene's. How terribly awry things went. I can't stand it; it's all my fault.

My wireless card was taken that morning. I stayed out in retaliation; of course, I had to return "home." Home for a beating, I might as well not have ever returned.

The "father" that I've never even remotely liked does as he pleases. He's taken my wireless card, my door, my laptop, everything. He invades my "privacy" that I already have none of and rummages through my things. He yells at me, hits me for going into "his" room, which really isn't even his. He beats me because, in his words, I'm his daughter so he has every right to hit me in any way that he wants. He takes things that never belonged to him, that he didn't give, that he has no right to take. Fuck; what am I supposed to do? It's been hell.

And even worse? He keeps threatening Eugene. I can't see him, I can't talk to him, I can't contact him any way any more; I've lost my best friend for no goddamn reason. I hate this so-called "father" I have; I hate that he keeps threatening me and him, to charge him with statutory rape--untrue--and kidnapping--also untrue. I fucking hate that I can't do anything about it. I hate that, by law, I can't leave for another year and a half. I hate that, by law, I can't kill my "father." He's not even deserving of the damn title.

But the worst thing is that I still have to go to school, face the same people, pretend that my life is okay. I hate that everyone keeps asking me, "Are you okay?" How the hell am I supposed to respond to that? No, I'm not okay. Dammit, my life is breaking apart--I can't lie about it. "No, I'm not okay." Then what? I can't pour my problems out to the aquaintances that ask. I can't scream back at the teachers that yell at me for not putting in any effort. They don't know what this is like; all they care about is the grade that I'm getting, that they're giving.

I cried again this morning over Justin; I can't believe he lied. I still can't. Belief and trust aren't enough to prevent the pain, the truth; belief and trust are just betrayed. People don't need to rub it in, goddammit. I know. You win, okay!? You were right, I was wrong, I'm not daft. I should've listened to all of you, it's my fault, I'm stupid, it's my problem, I'm ignorant, I get it. It's not your business, leave me alone.

The only person who listens is gone. I wish someone could hear me. I need to let go of Eugene. I need to let go of Justin. I'm falling apart. I'm bursting at the seams. I've already broken down. I feel like giving up. I'm out of tears to cry, literally; I wish the relief would come, I wish they would just flow already. Because, goddamn, it hurts. It physically fucking hurts.

Me.

[*stephinika*]

dear cb diary,

the last few days have been pretty good i suppose...school is so stressful though. i really don't know why i'm in ap calculus...i don't need it. but whatever. sigh.
i have until december 1st to get 80% in english. fah.

[mzbbc]

dear cB diary,

it's so stressful right now. only 9 more days though.

i want to leave and i want to be with him.

Maia
xoxo

[*jooleeah*]

Dear cB diary,
There's still tension between my father and I. Pathetic. Whatever.
5 more days until thanksgiving break- not including weekends. HELL f**king YES. I want my f**king break nooooooow.
nownownownownonwonwonwonwonwonwownownwonwonwonwownownow.

;[ blah. i hate school.

edit://i keep on coughing. i can taste that nasty copperish taste of blood...but no blood yet, thank god. this isn't good.

[*stephinika*]

^^
aw julia...that doesn't sound too good. have you checked with a doctor...?

dear cb diary,

nearly started crying in physics again. fcuk. i hate that class. he's a horrid teacher and i'm bad enough. i need this mark. fcuk.

[xTINAA]

Julia, feel better dear. You should go see a doctor too. That doesn't too healthy for you.

Dear cB Diary,
I'm such a screw up. I am. I want to change. I don't know how to stop this. It's not getting any better. I'm just fooling myself if I think I'm getting over it and even a bit of me is changing. I'm still the same stupid screw up.

I'm so stressed out. So frustrated. I can't help but cry everytime I try to do homework or try to study for a test or even think about school. I need help. I'm drowning in this. I dont' know how to climb out of this hole. I'm so behind and no one will help me to catch up. Not even my closest friends. Everyone just worries about themselves yet here I am worrying about everyone else.

I'm failing classes. I get it. I'm a failure. Really I am. Nothing I do is right. I can't get these grades back up in time. It's far too late. Ever since mid-September every single class grade has fallen. I stopped turning in assignments, I stopped doing well on the tests, I just feel so apathetic towards school. Now I'm paying for it in a big way.

I can't be doing this. This is senior year. Why isn't this fun for me? Senior year is supposed to be fun, more carefree. It's not. I'm crying more than any other year of highschool. Why did those things have to happen and why did I have to react that way? Why aren't I a stronger person? Why? I'm struggling so much.

I'm so stressed out, oh my goodness. I want to pull out my hair. I want to go back. Go back to August. Please. I want to go back to August. When I was happy and things were good. I had good grades. Things with family were better. I had Phillip. Friends were going better than before. Church was great. Everything changed from one simple event. Perhaps it wasn't the actual event that changed everything but rather the events that occured because of his death. Perhaps that is it. That's when things started changing in a big way for a lot of people.

I don't know what to do anymore. Honestly. I want to go talk to my counselor. I don't know what to say though. What am I supposed to say? "I lied to you. I still do cry. Everyday." What is she going to do about it? It's all my fault. There's nothing anyone can do. I don't know what to do. I wish someone would help me or tell me what to do. I want to start over new. I want my teachers to just excuse all my bad grades from mid-September until now. I want to start fresh, why can't I?

I honestly don't know what the heck is going on, what the heck to do, how the heck to control how I feel, what to change, how to change, how to be happy, what will make me happy, I don't know anything. I'm effing stupid. I don't know who to turn to except God but right now, it's getting so hard to turn to him. Or rather it's just getting hard waiting for his response. I need help NOW. I need to fix these situations now.

I just want to stop crying. I want to be happy. WHY CAN'T I SMILE AND MEAN IT? I miss him so much. Is that all that this is? Stupid teenage drama and I can't seem to f**king get over it? Is that all? Stupid teenage romance? Stupid teenage angst? Stupid teenage trouble? Is that it? I DONT KNOW. I miss him so much. I just start to cry sometimes because I can't handle how much I miss him and how much it hurts that he doesn't miss me back. I just cry because I feel like such an utter failure and I dont' know how to stop being one. I just cry because I feel so alone, that none of my friends are there for me. I just cry because I keep screwing up and I'm not sure how to stop it. I just cry because I know something's wrong but I dont' know what it is. I just cry.

I want help. People know something is wrong but no one knows what to do. I see that some people are honestly trying to help, trying to understand the situation, but they just can't. I'm appreciative of the fact that a teacher knows I'm struggling so they try to help me out by giving me extra time on an assignment but that's not enough. I don't have the strength or will power to do it anyway. I'm a failure.

I don't know what to do. I'm such a screw up. I ruin everything. How am I gonna survive life? I don't know. And that's why sometimes I pray that God will just take me now. Just please, end my life now. I don't wanna be here.
-Me.

[yukichan]

dear cB diary..
what makes a b****?would i be one after tomorrow?will everyone hate me after tomorrow?
sigh..so many questions...and no answers..im going to be strong tomorrow even if i feel horrible on the inside..hearts r going to be shattered, and tears will flow..but i know its for the best..he deserves someone better then me..someone who can understand him and not argue with him...someone who can lose on purpose..someone who wont hurt him..someone who's not me....
wonder if he'll understand that..wonder if hes going to hate me for that..
my world is like a mess right now..my grades r dropping because im not doing hw, im hurting ppl, cant do armed drill right and im liking someone other then my bf..maybe i was dropped on the head when i was a baby..who knows?i dont know for sure...
guess i should go..good night..and wish me luck...cuz im going to need it..
--Nancy--

[*not_your_average*]

Dear cB diary:
I loathe and despise school, yet I like it. Everything is so bland, yet such fun. Is it because of Jibran? Yes, people accuse us of liking each other, but we don't. We're just good friends. And he just happens to be a nice person. What's wrong with platonic relationships between boys and girls? "LOOOOVEEE" always has to come into the picture (at least by other people's warped standards.) Oh well. I have a very strange feeling I'll be single for as long as humanly possible. Which is forever.

[*danielle_x3*]

deardiary
today is 40 days since my dad's death. because of it, we're having a family gathering. you know, the whole filipino deal. family comes over and we pray for my daddy. i miss him a lot, but my mom said he'd be proud of me if he were still here. i wonder if she'sjust saying that? lol but yeah. rest in peace daddy. i can't believe it's been 40 whole days

[Retrogressive]

Danielle_x3: I'm really sorry, I don't know a lot of the details. My Grandfather died two years ago and he was the closest person to me in the world. I loved him so much and I can't believe it's been two years since his death. Sometimes when something bad or good happens I feel as if I could just go and call him up to tell him. He wrote me a letter everyday for 14 years and now it feels so empty in the mailbox. I don't think I ever really greived his death because it feels to surreal even now. I remember being in the hospital and waiting... but everything happened so fast to me and I still haven't let myself stop too much to think about it because it hurts so much. I don't have a father, but I loved my papa. I'm so angry that he will never be able to see me grow up, because he taught me so many things and I am just now starting to appreciate them.

Dear Cb diary,
Shesh, now I'm depressed. I guess what I was going to say, was sometimes I feel so alone in the world. I know there is no one in my life that I can truly depend on to understand me. That's why I had Adrienne, but now that we've gone through this whole unofficial break-up thing I feel like I'm just going through the motions... now I know what that sayings all about. She was the only one who could possibly understand my theory-a-dayness and my ability to talk in circles. Isn't it weird? Sometimes I see something and I think... "That would look so good on Adrienne." And I'll stop to remember how she used to look before she lost so much weight and dyed her hair "Linda Belle Red". I hate who she's become so much, she's the most self-centered person I know. She rats on my family (though she has good reason to it hurts my feelings), she critisizes me when I tell her that I believe in God, and she hates it... when I am selfless. Isn't that strange? Our whole relationship is based on my selflessness (I don't mean to sound egotistical) but I've put up with sooo many things for her that looking back on it I wonder if its really worth it. My mom asked me one time, "What's this hold she has over you?" I can't explain it, it's like when I see her or hear her voice it's completely euphoric.

But I think I've overanalysized US, when the truth was I should have just let it be and stopped trying to label.

-Linda Belle

[yourfriendsteph]

CB Diary,
So tonight I find out if we really are hanging out this weekend...I'm so excited, i cant wait til he gets out of practice! :D Hopefully we will on Saturday and not friday because I want to go to the game...but i really wouldnt care as long as we are! Tomorrow should be fun, I just hope TOO many people arent going to be showing up at my house...

[silver-rain]

Dear CB Diary,
Today in photography, I cried... I felt so depressed or something, I don't know. But, I missed him so much at that time, even though I will probably see him tomorrow. I cried last night too... and all I wanted was for Stephen to lie in bed with me, just holding me and telling me that everything will be alright. I feel so dependent on him, that I need him to be here to make me feel better. I love him so much and I don't ever want him to leave. But, I'm so glad I get to see him tomorrow, Harry Potter! But, I reallly hope to see him on Thanksgiving, and see the parade with him, something we wanted to do last year but didn't. I already bought part 1 of his anniversary present so I really hope to see him and give it to him.

Bleh, college stuff is stressing me out so much. I still have so many essays to write and more apps to fill out and blargh. But hopefully, it'll all be over soon.
December 15 is approaching way too fast...

[*lolita kitty*]

dear chrissy,
i just .. wow. i dont know what to say. i feel like whatever i say will be wrong. i read all of that though. all i can say is, you are a beautiful and talented gir. i just do not see how you can be stressed out. you always eem so happy to me.
*sigh* i feel stupid again.

dear cb diary,

im sorry i have not written. i am going to keep this one short, but um.

things are no getting better.

i gave everyone the silent rtreatment the past two days. i kind of like it. they keep asking me why. those sstupid self centered bitches think its all their fault, as if they're the center of the world or something. "HOMG CASSIE YOU ARE SOO MEAN IGNORING ME"
i wrote a nasty letter to them. that'll show them.
as of now, most of them are pissed at me, with the exception or cami and brandiu. yay?
well, life still sucks. ive become quiet, which is soooo not like me. im always that loud and proud attention whoring chick that annoys everyone and complains too much.
but then i realized that that's why no one likes me, which is why i have shut down altoghether.

dad is still pissing me off. he wont get off my case. seriously. this morning i was online, and we all know i am NOT morning person. this was our conversation.
dad: whatcha doing *sarcastic voice*
me: im on the computer, obviously ._.
dad: dont get that attitude with me, im tired of it. what are you doing on the computer?
me: why do you want to know? god, you never trust me. *turns away and groans*
dad: *yells*
me: *runs to room and crys*

i hate him. he never trusts me. did you know that he literally monitors what i do online? not all the time, but only on the weekends and shit. he thinks im cybering or something. what a bitch. and carrie is no help, that sarcastic person she is.

im still having self confidence issues. i literally started to tell myself today that i was getting uglier. when we were in dance, with those big mirrors all over the classroom, i almost cried. the sun shining through the ceiling window on my pale skin. to make matters worse, blac leotardsa are required. why black? black is hideous on me, ask my friends. it makes me look like paper. white printer paper. ugly. the weather is making my lips dry, which is ugly. im getting these huge cold sores on me, and my face keeps turning red. it makes me look ugly. my hair is hideous. the wind drys it out, and it will not stay flat for beans. i wore sweats toay. a huge sweatshirt and my dance sweatpants. thats all i can wear anymore. i also wore my hairdown and it covered my face. i didnt want them to see me. i looked bad.

tommorow is kenna's birthday. i do not want to be there. they are going to give her balloons and presents. i know it. i know they are going to sing to her and throw a party. they did not do that for me. read my other entry, you will see how my so called birthday went for me.it was one of the worst days this year.

this turned out longer than i thought.
im tired of crying. i hate everything.

- cassie

[Heewee]

Dear cB diary,

I'm sooo emotionally confused and physically weak. I don't have the energy to think about all the things whirling around in my head so I just break down and cry. I'm sick of this. I wish I could rewind time back to when I was happy and healthy. Before I made bad decisions that changed my life forever.

I don't know how long I have left to live and this fact is constantly in the back of my mind. I feel like I've been taking life for granted and now that I know that it is a very real possibility that I could die, I wish I paid attention to the small things in life. I'm regretting not spending as much time with my family as I should have in the past and I also regret wasting so much time doing nothing.

I'm so scared. I don't want to die. I've worked soooo hard since last March to turn my life around and now all my work might mean nothing. I just got accepted to two colleges and I hate thinking that I wasted my time applying to them if I might not even be around next year to go off to college. And if I am, will I be too sick to go?

I don't understand my doctors. I just got put on a new medication to raise my blood pressure but the medicine also has side affects that will make me even weaker, sicker, give me chills, and lower my heart rate. My resting heart rate is already in the low 50s so if it is lowered, it'll be in the mid 40s. When I go to sleep, my heart rate will drop even lower....which means that every night when I go to sleep, there's no guarantee that I'll wake up the next morning. This medicine is interacting with another one of my medications. I am taking a medicine so that my tumor that I had removed in May won't grow back and the interaction between my tumor medicine and my blood pressure medicine is making me really really sick. I can't stop the tumor medicine because my tumor could grow back (which means cancer) and I can't stop the blood pressure medication because I could collapse almost every day (and when I collapse, my heart stops for 15 seconds.....which means I could die).

This is all so complicated and I just don't want to deal with it. I need to talk to somebody that I can open up to. I don't want to tell my friends because I'm afraid that they'll be all worried about me. On the other hand, they might be mad that I didn't tell them if they somehow found out.

So all I can do is cry myself to sleep every night and hope that I wake up the next morning.

-Hilary

[mzbbc]

dear cB diary,

i am selfishly angry with that bitch. i don't even know what imma do. i can't hold grudges, but that bitch crossed the line...

damn i need to do more work. seriously, just 8 more days though.

omigosh, i wanna be with him so bad. but he is not right for me, and i need to get over that. i just don't think it's right, either way, no matter what happened over the summer. but that ho is gonna be there with him tomorrow night. what the f**k.


but my butt got fat again. i'm so happy. damn i hated how skinny i got over the summer. that's the one good thing right now. haha...


Maia
xoxo

[BrokenDream]

Cassie,
don't worry about your apperance. it doesn't matter. don't listen to the pathetic losers that give you that. you know that? they are probably just doing that to make you feel upset. don't let them. i've seen your pictures and you are very pretty. don't be that way! be strong, alright?
(yes i read your diary entries)

dear CB diary,

i have mixed feelings about this certain "someone". okay, okay, its my crush. he's currently in Seattle. I hope that his girlfriend for anyone that he likes is there. but about him.. i have mixed feelings. he hangs out w/ the wrong crowd that then he acts that way. but then again, he can be very funny and he's handsome. doesn't really count for his cute-ness but also that he has a very good personality. sighhhh...

i am going to East Texas on Sunday. weeeee! i am so excited! i am going to stay by the lake. you get to stay in a warm, toasty cabin. and they have fireplaces, nice beds, a TV, a kitchen, bathroom (duh), and alot more. and i am eating Thanksgiving there too. it's exciting! outside of the cain ther eis other cabins too. i get to take my dogs for walks too. there is a activity center filled with fun activites. i am bringing my volleyball, and my soccer ball. maybe my bike. we're bringing the pets. my dog Lady, my dog Sugar, and my cat Princess. no school for like 10 days! we are off for Thanksgiving break, but that starts after school on Tuesday (at 2:00 PM because we go early) and i don't get to go. yaaay.<3

thats all for now!
-Me