createblog diary, v.6 Options

[*iNyCxShoRT*]

Dear cB,
Well today was okay, I just noticed that theres a cereal piece in my space bar o_O i picked it out but yeah anyway back to the topic. I'm not as scared as Juliana is for the rape thing. Hopefully it won't happen. Poo...Kim might be getting out today because shes not too good at feminicity. x_X oh boy. I guess if she gets out i'll vote for Kyle. I can't believe I can't borrow any books =\ but she DID say she returned it. But she lied i guess. That 6 dollars...I needa pay that. Some day. I have alot to study today maybe I could only get through Science. But whats more important? Social Studies or Science. I say Science because SS i do all my homework and everything. And suddenly I don't know I have this strange gut feeling, I'm feeling to needy when it comes to being with Daniel. Everytime he goes away I try to hold him back but I say, "ehh...what the heck I'm being to needy." And let him be. Should i ask him? If I'm too needy? Well yeah back to American's Next Top Model. See ya dude.

Much Love, Jane<3

[BrokenDream]

dear createblog diary,
i am so lonely.

i want to be in a relationship but guys my age right now are kind of immature and don't last long is relationships. i told you about that guy i like... and yeah, i still like him. he has a girlfriend. there is nothing i can do. i can't even ask him out. why? his girlfriend. i can't flirt that much with him. why? his girlfriend. in fact, i can't do much! does he like me? i like him. does he want to break up with his girlfriend already? i sure heck i want him to!

but that's not the point! i like him. and we glare sometimes. i try to impress him. and i did do that once. hmm... what is he thinking? that's what i have always have wondered.

-Me

[*Azarel*]

Dear createBlog diary,

I don't know how much more of this week I can take. Things have been going horribly since Monday, perhaps even Sunday. It's so hard to keep it all in, and I'm not doing a very good job of it; I'm bursting at the seams.

I barely even remember Sunday - it seems so distant. I stayed home all day, confined to the bed most of the day due to really bad menstrual cramps. That at least explained why I had been so bitchy the week before. And I guess I should've taken the cramps as an omen for a bad week or something.

Monday started out horrifically; I checked my SATII subject test scores first thing in the Morning, and I had performed significantly lower than I thought. So much, in fact, that I did worse on the Math IIC. I didn't think much of it, and I pushed it out of my mind. Then I was late to first period. Again. For the sixth or seventh time. Because of my sister. I hate having to leave in the morning with her; she's so slow. But I figured, it's a typical Monday start. It'll get better.

But oh, I was so utterly wrong; it was all downhill from there. I was late to PE, through no fault of my own; I literally stood in front of the teacher, asking if I could enter the gates before the bell rang. She disregarded me while asking other people if the bell rang yet, and it rang right then. I did not deserve that tardy, and that's what pisses me off. I'm not one to disregard what a teacher says, though, so I went to get the slip; it's not my fault that the gate was locked when I got back. It's not my fault that I was too frustrated to stay and wait. I cut second period. First cut this year; it's only going to get worse from here on. Fucking senioritis.

The cramps started up again during third period when Gori was overly bitchy and wouldn't give me the points I deserved on the gov assignment after he marked off a whole section that I had completed correctly. I got a C on the Act IV Much Ado About Nothing quiz even though I read it -- on Saturday. Our table got jacked during lunch. It was cold. Harrison was being overly bitchy, also, although he did change the due date of our project - or so I thought. And the guys in my lab group were just screwing around during the practice day, while nagging me about the calculations. Fuck guys. I hate them.

I guess I thought it'd get better. Eugene picked me up from school, and we wrapped Jenn's birthday airzooka in the parking lot of Michael's. That was pretty fun, and we set off to Ravioli's after we'd finished wrapping to meet up with Jenn and Mikey. Her reaction was priceless. I love the girl; sometmes, I don't know what I'd do without her to talk to.

And the afternoon was fun, at least. But then evening rolled around. I had to let my parents know my SAT scores -- I couldn't tell them. I didn't. Not that night, at least. And I had a project as well as a UC application essay to complete for ancient history and AP English, respectively. I got started on neither. I didn't know what to write on. I was miserable. The UC app got me started thinking about what I liked doing, what I was good at: nothing. I'm a nobody. Nothing I do is noteworthy. I'm not dedicated. I'm not strong. I'm nothing.

I went to bed without doing anything, and woke up at five thirty to bullshit that essay in an hour. Huh. Twenty-three hours awake yesterday; perhaps that's why I'm so tired today. I woke up hoping it would be a better day, yesterday. Honestly. And it was a pretty uneventful day, until fifth period. Harrison's an a-hole; after telling us it was okay to turn our projects in on Wednesday, he declared those projects late. And I swear, I hate those cowardly bitches that sit in the back of the room. They ruined my mood for the rest of the day; they started the unbearable wave of hatred and anger. I burst out yelling and crying during the physics lab. Twice. The lab was supposed to be fun, laid back - and Fowler even pulled me out of class to try to calm me down. I simply couldn't help myself.

When I got home, I should've started on my project. I should've taken a nap. I should've done homework. I should've done anything, but I didn't. I don't know what I did. I wasted away. I told my mom my SATII scores; she didn't yell much at me about them. She was just really disappointed. I wish she'd give up on me already; I hate her bitching. I can't do anything about my scores, dammit; I hate that she nags about something that happened a month ago. It's not like I tried to do horribly on it; it's so stupid that she thinks I purposely screw up my own life to piss her off. I hate it. And then she wanted to read my UC application that I had BSed that very morning. It felt so much longer ago. But I never wanted my mother to read it; I never wanted her to read anything I wrote. She'd only fling my own words back at me, telling me how worthless they were. And she did just that.

I broke down last night, so badly. I was hysterical. I just locked myself in my room for hours and cried and screamed. I don't get why mother doesn't get that I need a little privacy sometimes. That I can't stand to have her constantly berating me. Bombarding me with hurtful accusations. I can't take her breaking me down when I'm already so low. I had never hurt as badly as I did last night; I had never felt so utterly alone and hopeless. It even hurts to relive it.

The problem with me is that I don't know what I want to do with my future; in fact, I don't care what I do with my future - I just hope I'm happy. But mother doesn't; she doesn't care for my happiness or emotional well-being; with her, it's all about the money - what she likes to call "success." But being successful has nothing to do with how rich you are; happiness isn't wealth. She's got it all messed up, and she's abusing me because I don't.

It's hard for me to believe I don't deserve this shit. It's hard for me to believe everything that Eugene tells me. He's been the only one that's been there to offer his words - they're true, too; not just what I want to hear. Well, some of it's true. He tells me why I have to get through all of this, how I'm so close. And he says I shouldn't be doing things for my mom, but for myself - but why should I even try when my best effort isn't ever enough for her? I don't. I shouldn't.

I'm not a strong person, I never have been. So it's beyond my why Eugene says I'm strong. He tells me all these things about me, and I can't believe any of them. I'm not strong, nor am I talented or even beautiful. I'm not even close to how wonderful he tells me I am; I'm far from it. So I guess I finally understand how Justin feels. What's the point in even trying, after all these years? Maybe I can get through this. Maybe I can't.

I started on the project at midnight, thinking it wouldn't take me so long. I went to bed at four in the morning, and I wasn't even finished yet. I was just lonely during those early hours. I always am. And I always forget what that loneliness is like until I stay up late again. It sucks to wake up from barely three hours of sleep to a mother who is punching you in the face over how shitty your UC essay is. I can't help that I suck at writing. I can't help that I've never been strong at writing essays, nor have I ever written an essay anything like this. How am I supposed to know what the UCs are looking for? How does she know any better?

I haven't been writing since Saturday. Not that I'm good at that, anyway. Everything I write is so raw; it's unshaped. And I don't know how to polish it up. I think I'll probably end up giving that up to, since I never can stick with anything. It's all the same, just like my mom pointed out this morning: violin, piano, robotics, jazz band, orchestra, web design, art. I'm just not dedicated. Damn it all.

I hate that all I wake up to anymore is her incessant bitching. I thought I could get away from that, at least on the weekdays. Seems that I thought wrong. I was almost late again to calculus because of both my mom and my sister. It's so stupid; I told my mom that I was going to be late to school - it was already seven forty. And she slapped me, told me to stop yelling, to listen to her bullshit. I don't even know what she was yelling about.

While walking on campus, I talked to Jared - and he started telling me about how so many people have it worse than I do. But honestly, I don't give a shit anymore about how bad their lives are in perspective. I'm not them, and their problems aren't mine. I'm tired of feeling bad for thinking my life is shit. I'm tired of feeling guilty for being depressive. It's not even my fucking fault. And Jared said that he had never seen me like this.

"It's never been like this."

And then I couldn't stop myself from sobbing, not even during the first ten, fifteen minutes of calculus. I never wanted to cry in class like that. Never wanted to break down in front of everyone. I'll never forget this week and how horrible it was. Sometimes I just wish that things weren't so fucked up. Actually, it's more than just sometimes. I just wish I weren't me. I hate my life.

God. I'm so stressed out, and I don't even know why. I feel so lonely. And it seems I'm utterly alone.

Me.

[Retrogressive]

Dear Cb diary,

here we go again. She's broken my heart and not even known it... well, this time she did because I hung up on her. But honestly! I've been crushing on a guy for a whole year and she sweeps in and sexualizes him into a drunken stupor. She isn't my friend, she isn't my love. She couldn't possibly be anything to me.


Could she?

<B Linda

[redpeony]

"I just want something I can never have"

Why do I feel so empty? Why have I just started crying out of nowhere the last two days, and feel it coming again today? Is it really solely because of the fact that I've had next to no sleep this week? Stress from school? I don't know.. I can't really figure it out..

I guess I don't know what I want... blaaaaah.

I can't blame someone else and say that they don't know what they want when I know that I haven't quite gotten that figured out, either.

And what's with people trying to resolve things with violence... it doesn't f*cking solve anything... what are you guys trying to prove... why can't people just talk things out.. or do it some other way. Pulling a gun to someone's head or beating the crap out of someone does not make a problem go away.. you're only creating more for yourself...

I'm so upset.. everyone is so selfish, complicating...
I just wanted to live my life in simplicity. But you make me question myself. Am I just being blind and denying things that I ultimately have to face? Why can't I just leave you? I thought I was stronger than this... is that what's making me sad?

Realizing that I'm not as strong as I believed myself to be? Or is something else holding me back...?

I need a girls night

[*Azarel*]

Dear createBlog diary,

My heart is so tired and confused. What am I supposed to do?

Me.

[TheReasonWhy]

dear cB...
friday finally...bbq with group members! we had a really great time but i saw some ppl i dun realli wan to see but i was excited i have to admit...*sigh* there are so much friendship problems going on...so bad...

[*stephinika*]

dear cb diary,

life is okay. the dance was a lot of fun but i've decided....
i don't like moody-ness. my own or other peoples'.
and that party tomorrow will be sweet. it better all work out.
later.

[silver-rain]

Dear CB Diary,
Today was a half day. Talked to my english teacher about college essay; she likes it so yay. Hung out with Wendy after school; we went to Chinatown and just walked around for 2 hours and then ate. Then, after she picked up her brother, we went to SoHo and to 14th street, looking for Halloween costumes. Didn't find anything (or, they were all so expensive), so we bought clothes to put as our costume. It was so much fun. I'm glad I got to forget about college apps, for those 6 hours.
3 days till it'll all be over. I cannot wait.
Boroughs tomorrow, I really hope I medal, even though I haven't been to practice in 2 weeks.

[xTINAA]

Dear createBlog diary,

My heart is so tired and confused. What am I supposed to do?

Me.

Gosh. I feel the same way. Just tired and frustrated and confused and sick of it all. Feel better Anna Banana. I'm always here if you want to talk even if I'm all the way in Colorado

Dear cB Diary,
I am in for the most hellish weekend of my life. Somehow I have to manage to write a 4000 word essay and start research for it. On top of that I'm going to have to basically do it all in one day considering that tomorrow (Saturday) I will be spending basically the whole day filming and writing a script for the damn presentation for TOK. Looks as if I won't be getting any sleep at all Sunday night and I'll really be pulling an all nighter. I probably should stock up on some of those Starbucks Frappachinos because Lord knows I'll need it. Man, why the hell do I do these type of things to myself? I had MONTHS and MONTHS to do this damn paper and here is my stupidass trying to pull it all off in a day basically. WOW. I seriously am stupid. And y'know what else? I'm still not over him. God, how can I not be over him? WHY AREN'T I OVER HIM? I thought I was. I guess I was just pretending because I really don't like who I am or how I feel right now. But foolish me, when the phone rang and it was an unrecognizable number calling me late at night I thought it was him. STUPID ME. And even when I answered the call it sounded like him. I can't even really explain how I felt thinking it was him. I was shocked, out of breath, smiling so hard and big and uncontrolably, I was excited, nervous, shaking, my heart was beating so hard and fast and for that short instant I was honestly, filled with joy. STUPID ME. Gosh. And today I really realized that I miss him, so incredibly much. It hit me just HOW much. And how much I really do love and care for him hit me too. And finally, it hit me that I don't think I'll be getting over this anytime soon or will ever be completely over it; no one can replace him. I feel just like Toya in the song Moving on. UGH. Why is this so hard? Why is life so damn hard? Okay, I know the answer to that question but STILL, I dislike it so much. I'm ruining my own life.
-Me.

[*torngemini*]

Dear cB diary,

I wrote a poem very very very very late last night that was a lot harder than I thought it would be. I usually write songs/poems as a way of releasing all that depression and repressed anger but writing that poem for some odd reason was so hard. Probably because I haven't tried to touch that subject myself in quite a while. I like it though ... it's very true to my situation now ... how I am since he left me for Japan ... I did post it in the forums writing section ... hmmm ... maybe it is good that I wrote it. I really do feel like I need to bring out my feelings more. It's not good to hold things in right?

[Aoiro]

Dear cB Diary,

So close. So CLOSE! Almost Halloween, and I can't wait. Goin' to go trick-or-treating with Cassie, and it's going to be real fun. And I might even bump into J! Who knows.

Finally listened to the Emo Song. Very funny. Definately love it.

I found out D likes K. Ha, knew it. I just need to tell her...

I could right more, but it would mostly be about J. Now I'm happy again, but then, feel a bit empty in some ways. Either way, I feel excited.

[ANG33ZY]

Dear CBdiary,

I saw him today. You see I thought I wasn't ever going to see him again, but i'm glad he visits :) That made my day for reals and I got all giggly and stuff. Sigh.

I had " I Love Terryaki " today. Viper Sushi, heller good. I saw Doom.

[aera]

dear cB diary,

things have been getting pretty hectic. maybe not for me, but for my other friends. johhny and grace never talk even though they've been going out for months. theres not point to going out if they never talk. and gracie and sean arent talking either. gracie puts mental walls so she wont even look at him. not even when they talked today. and alli says she's going to rm if she gets in because she feels that we're not really her friends and that we make fun of her too much. plus, halloween's coming up and everyone wants to go trick or treating with us just to be part of it all.

plus, all the guys are trying to gain status within the girls group because they all want to get girlfriends and have other stupid thinkings like that. like jon asked me if he flirted as much as this other guy did. i told him the other guy was better at it. he knows that no one will go out with him, especially the girl who he likes, who flirts with everyone.

and liz is starting to get upset again because she thinks shes fat, stupid, bad at violin (even thought shes first first chair, but she says thats only because shes the best of the oldest group), and has bad handwriting. but shes not fat, shes smart and gets straight a's, shes always first first chair in violin, and her handwritings about five times better than mine. she thinks too negatively of herself.

but besides that, many good things happened today. i have an 88.8% in english which is one point from an 89.47% which would round up to an 89.5% and therefore a 90%. so the teacher said that he'd round it up!!! and i got my prince of tennis, shuffle, and all this other anime. its been a pretty good day except that i cant sleep over at liz's place on halloween because my mom doesnt want to be all by herself. now i wish my dad was home, but usually im glad hes not, though occasionally its nice.

[pshaa.shauna]

dear cb diary,

Im back from the party of the Devil's spawn. It really wasn't so bad after awhile, even though I was pinned in a small room with11 3-5 year olds. No matter what the adults think, duck, duck, goose, does NOT amuse a child when the other kids are playing dodgeball right outside the window!! So then they proceeded to the whine and complain game. Then my so called friend Cory said, "Uhm...I gotta....go...uhm...use the....uh...bathroom, yeah the bathroom" and walked out. Then I yelled, "NO THESE HEATHENS WILL GET ME!" The second that boy shut the door behind him the youngest, who just turned 3 2 weeks before screamed "GET HER!". I was at the bottom of a dogpile. Then we played Cat's and Dogs. Mind you, I did not get to have fun with people even slightly my age, just watch them have fun through the window when I PAID TO BE BABYSITTER! From 9-midnight. Plus Damien kept calling me idiot all night. I am seriously tired of it. The little kids part wasn't so bad though. On to a more serius topic...

Don't you hate growing up? As it happens the things change so slowly but if you look back you see how much you have changed. And I've noticed how much everyone has changed, some for the better, some for the worse. I know I've changed, for one thing I'm less tolerant, but, for the lack of a better word, I'm more stable.

You know what gets me the most though? I had everything perfect when I was unapreciative. The best time of my life was the beginning of 2005 to the end of summer, and I was too stupid to realize it. I can't fix what I've done, but I know I won't make the same mistake twice. Now I'm trying to get a second chance to proove that to someone, because I know I can be better. I can't get it though.

Its just a little too ironic for me.

[dearfriend]

Dear createblog diary,

Yes, I did it. It took three fcuking years. But I did it. And now that I'm finally free to be myself around my friends is probably the most freeing and restricting feeling I have ever felt. Telling Adrienne about my sexuality was... beyond everything imaginable, I bet I could even tell my mom now. But then I think she would put me in a mental institution and seek help. Don't get me wrong, I love her.

This weekend I'm going out with Stacy and her friend Patrick and his boyfriend. Somehow I think this will give me a chance to feel how most straight/openly gay people feel. I think I'm going to like this new Linda. This Linda who is open and honest with herself and the others around her... or maybe I won't. Maybe I'll see that I like having my own personal secrets. Maybe freeing myself will in then take away my identity as Retrogressive. And Retrogressive is my only livelyhood- besides Adrienne's cat but that's another tale.

The 'zine is doing fine. I was pretty put off when I discovered that it was slightly more popular than I thought it was, but that's cool. I can't wait to print the new issue this saturday. And when I get my hardship, everything will open up for me. Wish me luck, things in that department are doing great.

I'm glad I've finally discovered that having good friends around you is the best thing in the world. And I'm glad I know that I would fight like hell for them. Maybe all this choas in life actually does mean something?

-Linda Belle

[KELLYYY]

Dear cB Diary,

It's funny/disgusting/freaky about how Anthony said I was "cute". He's ugly. Not to hurt him or anything, but yeah.

I miss Toby, but I know she's having fun in LA. She's 5 hours away from me right now.

Toodles,
Kelly.

[silver-rain]

Dear CB Diary,
I finally won a medal today. I love XC and my team and the new sophomores <3. They were awesome.
Bleh, kinda disappointed that Stuy didn't sweep Manhattan like last year. Hunter got really good, as did LaGuardia. Next year, they'll do so much better, I know it.
Now, it's time for applications. It's crunch time.

[xTINAA]

Dear cB Diary,
Today was okay. Just super tiring. I love and miss him. I'm thankful for friends like him and him. I'm thankful for people like him who inspire me. Yes yes. All him's but all different. Hahha. I'm in for a fabulous day tomorrow...not. I won't be sleeping, AT ALL. Yay.
-Me.

[*jooleeah*]

Dear cB diary,
I have three essays due tomorrow, and I haven't started any of them.

I brought all this stress upon myself.

[BrokenDream]

Dear Createblog diary,

hmmm. questions. questions.

is my friend having the boy and girl party? if she is then - oh my God. it's like my first boy and girl party. TOGETHER.

okay, anyway, i love him. i love him. i love him. i have to shout it out! i can't take it anymore! i want that girl to shut her mouth and stop fliriting with him. he flirted with me once. is that bad? only once? ONCE?

boys that i don't like, like ME, but boys that i like don't like me. that's what it seems. i hope it's not true.

[b0st0ngrl]

Dear cB Diary,
I've decided that I like someone else now. And right when I realize this, I won't be seeing him everyday anymore. Meh.
I don't want to do my homework.
-me

[Aoiro]

Dear cB Diary,

Yeah, last night I was supposed to go to T's party. At least I didn't go. I really didn't feel like it ya know? It wouldn't be that fun... Besides, J would've left me to talk to the others, even if she said she wouldn't. But it was funny when they called me. I need to thank J for that.

Tomorrow is Halloween! Wewt, wewt! Finally, something fun to happen. I seriously can't wait, again. I think we're going to ditch R. I hope.
I'm going to be Captain Jack Sparrow. Sugar overload, and overly hyperness. Nice.

[Looow]

Dear cB Diary,

Ohh I'm having a lovely three day weekend. Wahoo.

Friday- Yen-Chi's Party. I didn't really want to go becaue I just wasn't in the mood. However, I ened up going with Vanessa and it was really fun. Ahaha we were dancing/singing along to the weirdest music. Spice Girls? Whattheheck? & Yeah after the party I was supposed to get a ride from Vanessa because thats what I told my parents but yeahh I didn't. Ahaha Vanessa and I took the bus. She walked me half way hom and I ran home from the bus stop.


SATURDAY- Ohhh extra interesting day. Sydney's Party. It was amazing. Her backyard was amazinggg. You could see the bay. Ohh ti was really pretty. Great food. & everything. The party started at 7 and ended at 11.

Ahaha except we didn't leave at that time. we started playing truth or dare. licking necks, uh ass grabbing and all sorts of hilarious things. wow. hmm precilla and I decided that we were going to sleep over at sydney's to help her clean up and whatnot. yeah then all the guys came over. two of themm went home so there was six guys with two girls that were awake. the other two were sleeping the WHOLE time. oh god that was such a memorable night. hilarious. everyone was just chilling under the blankets and just bothering each other. a little pillow fight. it was fun. the guys left at 4:30 though. weird. okay. yeah then next day (today) I went over to Precillas and got picked up there. Ahaha it was so fun.

[yukichan]

dear cB diary..
Life has been a roller coaster ride for me..I've had very happy days and very sad days..Like friday, I was a mess..Couldn't stop crying at lunch, but today was like the best day I've had..If it weren't for my friends and *him* things would probably be like he**..The bad things are kind of getting better..I feel very unsure right now..I know I should trust *him* more, but I kind of feel scared..What if this relationship turns like the ones I was in before? What if one day he just starts ignoring me, and dumps me for no reason?I know I should trust him more, but I can't..Gosh..What kind of girlfriend am I?I don't deserve him..
--Nancy--