createblog diary, v.6 Options

[*tweeak*]

I WANT TO GO TO STARBUCKSSSSSSSSS!

[Mulder]

im so exhausted. i just cant sleep anymore. im about to have a nervous breakdown. my migraines are getting worse. because of rita i might have a project due immediately when i get back to school, but the teacher never went over it...

i dont want sympathy. i just want sleep...or understanding of why it seems like im slacking...


im just so tired.

[*tweeak*]

Why do people always have to act in such predictable ways? You're not supposed to prove me correct. My opinions of the world are supposed to be in correct. People should not be so strereotypical and follow the same patters all the time. Dammit. See, I'm not ever going to have a real relationship, because I have a completely f**ked up personality where I over analyze and want to be something I'm not.

[cheerbee07]

Dear CB Diary,
so I go to school this morning…everything was normal except for getting ticked of because of **someone** saying something incredibly cruel and insensitive about someone who tried to kill themselves. then I get to my locker and Shelby and I were talking when suddenly Derek came up and told us that a freshman had hung himself last night. it was absolutely heartbreaking to walk through the halls and feel the eeriness and see all the freshmen crying. all anyone could really say was that “he always wore these yellow shoes” it was so morbid and depressing. no one could really talk. even us people who didn’t know him well or at all were seriously affected. I can only imagine what his parents and siblings must be feeling right now. I feel so guilty now. You can’t even imagine. all those times I tried to kill myself. It only would have put all that sadness on my friends. I’m never going to cut myself or try to commit suicide again. I know I’ve said that before. but this time I promise.

R.I.P. Mikey
Gone But Not Forgotten.

moment of silence please.

::observes moment of silence::

thanks.

Love,
Jess

[me1issaaaa]

I just worked out for the first time in 15 months. My legs ache. I need to get healthier... desperately. Let's see how long I'll keep this exercise thing up.

[VarsMOlta]

Dear CB Diary,
so I go to school this morning…everything was normal except for getting ticked of because of **someone** saying something incredibly cruel and insensitive about someone who tried to kill themselves. then I get to my locker and Shelby and I were talking when suddenly Derek came up and told us that a freshman had hung himself last night. it was absolutely heartbreaking to walk through the halls and feel the eeriness and see all the freshmen crying. all anyone could really say was that “he always wore these yellow shoes” it was so morbid and depressing. no one could really talk. even us people who didn’t know him well or at all were seriously affected. I can only imagine what his parents and siblings must be feeling right now. I feel so guilty now. You can’t even imagine. all those times I tried to kill myself. It only would have put all that sadness on my friends. I’m never going to cut myself or try to commit suicide again. I know I’ve said that before. but this time I promise.

R.I.P. Mikey
Gone But Not Forgotten.

moment of silence please.

::observes moment of silence::

thanks.

Love,
Jess

wow im really sorry about that....
iv seen that happen in ma school a couple of timess

[Aoiro]

Dear CB,

I'm happy wiht my relationship with V, but... He's just so persistent. He won't stop asking me questions. He won't stop giving me things. I just don't want that kind of attention. It's just a little overwhelming. I like him, but not a lot. I just wish he would give me some space, ya know? But all I can do is just... Wait, I guess. Maybe something will change soon. Hopefully...

Me and C are frriends again. Yayyerz! It's always like this, friends, then not, then friends, and so on. Ah wells, that's just how it's gonna be. But I hope, this shall be the last.
:D

[*lolita kitty*]

dear cb diary,

school sucked ass today. brandi and cathy ignored me for noreason. we weren't even fighting or anything. they just completely ignored me, the whole day. I even tryed to talk to them. So yeah, i just hung out with cami and asked what the heck was their problem.

i appled for cb staff today. i hope i make it.
meh, we just got back from blockbuster. i rented mean girls. go figure, no? today was pretty boring. i got to wear my new leotard and skirt to ballet.... um... thats it.

oh yeah, and me and patricia are friends again! we usually end up not being friends later, but i think we wont fight again because we go to seperate school, so our lives are so different now. yay! thats all. will write again tommorow.

-bye!!

[*tweeak*]

He was right. I really am addicted to coffee.

[xTINAA]

Dear cB Diary,
I've come to the conclusions that I'm incredibly weak, that I still love him, that I'm desperately trying to have hope, that I miss him entirely, that he consumes my every thought, that I can't function, that I need help, and that this is really hard. I don't know what to do. I need help but at the same time, when I get it, I just reject it. I mean, the people who I know are right, their advice is good, I don't care, I don't want to listen to them. Those who are wrong and tell me things to make me feel better, they're not helping, they make it worse by giving me a sense of false hope. Then there is God. I'm trying to turn to God. I understand why this is happening. I understand why I have to suffer. I get it. But I don't care. I don't want this. I don't want to turn to him after he's put me through this even though I know why I'm going through it and that I deserve it. I don't care. I'm so stubborn. I'm so lost. And most of all, I'm so torn up and hurt.
-Me.

[yukichan]

dear cB diary,
I am very tired..Tired of thinking..Tired of wondering if I am good enough..Tired of everything..Rawlyn is right, I need more confidence..The problem is, I don't know how to be confident..I thought high school would be less bad, but I guess I was wrong..I seriously need a day to myself..I want to make that tomorrow, but I can't..ARGH!If I think anymore, I'll explode again..K and S got a lot more closer in one day/night..Seems like I'm a stranger to them now..Almost as if I barely know them..Probably won't be writing in here for a while because Friday-Saturday is Liko..Kind of excited about that..Hope its fun..
-Nancy-

[*mzkandi*]

Dear cB,

I kind of having second thoughts about pursuing a major in Speech Pathology at the Master's level. I'm still going to get my BA in it but now I am leaning more towards a Masters in Health Mangement. Meh, I dont know. I hate that I can be so indecisive about things like this.

-K

[starvingfortacos]

dear cb
i don't know when the hell i'll fill up all 50 posts

[FREEcandies]

I saw you today. After over a week of not seeing you, I didn't know whether I was ready for it or not. I found out that I wasn't. For the last 3 years, everytime I saw you we would smile and hug. Yet today I had to squeeze every muscle in my body to restrain myself. All that straining isn't even close to the strain that is on my heart as I saw your face. I forced myself to look at you like just any other person, as if you don't mean the world to me, as if you aren't still my love. I've given up all effort of trying to get you back because it's pointless. There is nothing left of me in you, I wouldn't want it that way either. You sat there with your girlfriend and talked happily. Were you talking about me? You probably were telling her about the new guy, that's why you seemed happy. I sat by myself, staring at you from the distance, my heart groaning with every beat. I could have walked away, but there was a force pulling me toward you. I fought it. I stayed rooted to my chair and just stared. I knew this would have to be done many more times. As the time went on, I could feel myself getting a little numb to the scene. Perhaps this needs to be done. I need to endure this torture in order to overcome the ordeal. As you left, the chain pulled at me and I instinctively got up and followed. But this chain is getting weaker and one day it will break and I will walk freely again.

[Aoiro]

Dear CB,

It seems I right in this way to often. I wonder why?

Anyways, V called me last night. He was the one and only guy I could ever have a nice conversation with. It's kind of wierd. I mean, on the phone that is. When I talk to a guy on the phone, we barely have anything to say. but V, we just talk about randomness, a good thing.

I feel kind of sad... I think D is ignoring me again. Or, just not talking. Maybe he's too busy with his friends, but still! D, please. I can't just talk to your sister all the time. I just want to talk to you.

Today, I'm going to finish the News Report thingy at the park. Yay. Oh well, it better be fun. I'm going to be Captain Blue, and wear my pirate hat. Even if there were no pirates at that time. Maybe? Who knows.

[*lolita kitty*]

dear cb diary,

wow. today sucked ass.
brandi and cathy ignored me. again. i asked why and brandi said "cuz yer mean to cathy omg!"
bitch. i am not. me and cathy are actually good friends. i really dont get it.
i got a detention for being late to school.
i left my notebook at home, which had my homework for three classes in it. no credit for me.
someone stole my purse at lunch. i sat it down while i went to buy lunch, and poof. it was gone when i came back.

yeah. today sucked.
- cassie

[yummy_delight]

Dear CB Diary:

I LOVE CB. The addiction begins again. This is bad.

xoxo Lauren

[xTINAA]

Dear cB Diary,
I have a problem. One that affects everything I do. I'm really good at pretending, at lying, at faking things. Pretending I'm happy, putting on that fake smile, telling everyone I'm doing great. I'm good at that. But I'm not good at telling the truth, at putting my real emotions out there, at expressing my emotions to everyone. That's my problem. I love Phillip. I didn't show it enough. I'm not good at that. I can't do that. I regret it so very much. I hate myself. The only one thing/person I hate is myself. I don't hate anything else, not any other person, not bugs, not anything. Just myself. I hate me. I want physical pain. I want to be hurt physically. This would be so much easier to handle than this emotional pain. Because the emotional pain starts to eat away at me and soon it affects me physically. I'm dying inside. The way I look and act is different. My face is no longer bright. It's pale. Pale like I'm dying. My eyes look sad and show my hurt, no longer are they bright and full of life. I'm losing weight. I think I've lost ten pounds. I'm not eating right. I can't sleep right. I just hate myself. Look at this person I am. This ugly person inside and out.
-Me.

[Teesa]

^feel better hun. I'm always here, you know that.

Dear CB Diary,
I have come to terms with it finally. I have stopped liking him. Today, he didn't say hi or anything, which was strange, but I didn't care. That much. I just kept talking about homework and whatever to my friends. They approve of my decision. And they're glad that I'm back to my old self, after being so gloomy for a little bit. I don't like myself when I'm sad. I feel weird when I am. It's like a waste of time to be sad. But I have realized that it is okay to feel sad sometimes, that people actually do genuinely love and care about me. And that's enough reason not to be sad. Even though I really wanted him, I know I can't. Even though he is basically one of those perfect guys, I can't have him. And it's okay. Besides, I have way more important things to think about...like college. Ehh.

--Teesa

[PinkTrash]

Dear CB diary;

Totally exhausted. Two nights ago, talked with Vasilis on the phone till like two thirty =) it was actually an intresting conversation, I got to know him a lot more and hes more than just 'a rapist' ;) well that was funn. . .Im trying out for the basketball team, I was recommended by my PhysEd teacher =) I really hope I make this one, I went to a practice today to watch/practice and went to the exhibition game halfway through fourth period. yeahhh. Lunch @ pizza pizza with Janet and Alyssa :/ theyre fun :) but lets just say things were intresting.. ;]

Sandiee*

[cheerbee07]

wow im really sorry about that....
iv seen that happen in ma school a couple of timess 

yea...it never gets less sad does it


on to today's diary entry i guess.

dear cb diary,
today was much more normal. mikey's funeral is monday ( i think) so school is going to go back to being sad again. i wish he hadn't died. poor kid.

it was a half day today..got out at noon. yay =)
had lunch with laura, megan and joanna. we sat on senior deck.
i hope laura and i have lunch together next year, so we can sit there together (less than one year until senior year, heck yes!)
aaron might ask elle out..jeez i hope so...they both really like each other.
i can't wait for all the drama to end. some of my friends are being real idiots about talking about people ( i'd tell them that to their faces). arg. crazy people. they all need to grow up. drama is so junior high, not junior year. they make me so mad

i better go i guess.

-jess

[yummy_delight]

Dear CB Diary:

It's been getting easier to deal with my problem. I barely ever think about it anymore. The urge is still there, lurking in the back of my mind and the pit of my stomach, but it hasn't reached that threshold intensity that makes me give in.

It has been 20 days since my last purge. 10 more days and I'll feel really accomplished.

I hope I can keep this up for a few more weeks the rest of my life.

[*lolita kitty*]

dear cb diary,

i was going to say all of this to patricia, but once again, im a chicken.
I AM GOING TO f**king SHOOT MYSELF IN THE HEAD. I HATE MYSELF. life is so... ugh
brandi has no f**king idea. she has been ignoring me for 4 days now, and she has no idea how much i need to talk to her. that bitch, she dosent even care.
i keep seeing all these pictures on everyones myspace from nms, and it feels liek i am going to cry. i miss nms so f**king much... like whoa
i hate charter. chartrer can suck my little sisters ass. its so... ergh. charter is no fun. the people there are boring, and no one ever talks to me. and since brandi ditched me, ive got no one to hang out with. no one to go to the movies with. no one to sheel over at their house with. no one at all. life is so boring!!! brandi is so... what the hell is her problem. she wont even talk to me!!!
i miss nms like, alot not. alot alot alot. i want to go back. go back to patricia and jaylyn, go back to ptrick. go back to the days of eating lunch under the canopy. back to those days..
im always alone at charter. i came to school crying this morning [long sto]m and no one even said anything. they didnt even look at me, or see me.
i just want to go to the movies with patricia. or the mall with jenny. do something with them, so i feel like i am included in a group. the only people who ever want ho hang out with me anymore is my dad and my sister.
oh geez, im crying again. well, the next thing we actually have planned with them is halloween,. 1 month. uh, yeah =.
still. seeing those pictures makes me so sad. when i see jenny and patricia drinking jamba juice, i think 'gosh, i want to do that with them"
when i saw patrick in the park... or wherver.. i was like "omg... wow"
well, now i feel a bit sensitive and lame. im going to shut up now.

- cassie

[*jooleeah*]

Lauren, congrats.
Dear Createblog Diary,
Are 7 year olds supposed to have these crazy emotions already? Today I was fighting with my younger brother, and all of a sudden he burst out with a "everybody hates me" and starts crying. I never saw that coming. Now, I feel like a terrible sister, because it feels like I'm the reason he cries. Am I really that mean?

I hope Grandma is okay. She just got out of the hospital today. Cherry told me she was having hallucinations the other day...imagining that she was in the 1930's in China and talking to her next door neighbor. That scared me a bit, because apparently, she also forgot who everyone was. I feel so bad that I haven't been able to visit her yet. All she has is bronchitis...is that really bad? I feel so immature not knowing what the heck is going on. I can't imagine how Grandpa is doing. He's probably lost without her, considering the fact that he has to have a "schedule" with his cancer and all. Every time I think about Grandpa, tears come to my eyes...gah.

No more writing. I'm this close to crying in front of my dad/brother.

[PinkTrash]

Dear diary;

Hes not intrested. Why? I dont understand this, he was like.. not too long ago. I never said anything bad. Nothing : ( Is it because of Vasilis? Im starting to panick right now, this has ruined my even more so awful day. Firstly, everybody keeps saying that Im PMSing and it was pissing me off even more. In French, I was bored as hell, wishing time would just pass. Gosh. ><" Physed; we had a supply and we just played tournaments in our squads. Just because there was the usual of me - somebody rebounds, passes the ball to me and I steal it away past the whole court and there is absolutely no defence on the other side so I simply do a layup and the score ends up being like 100 - 2. [exaturation] But, people started getting pissed. Like, if you're pissed about it then get some fcuking defence. So they start fouling me and scratching and shit and it got very annoying and I ended up swearing at more than a few of them. It just pissed me off that they had to use violence to solve the freaking problem when it was very simple in the first place. But, Whatever. And I hate Muhammad =) A lot. Thanks.

Sandy--<3*