Sad World of Minoru park Options

[*torngemini*]

Here is a little something something I wrote ... it was kinda an essay thing but I don't know ... I was used to writing those fiction stories and all but somehow I ended up writing this one ... although ... this one is NOT fiction ... it's actually true LOL


SAD WORLD OF MINORU PARK
by Shar aka TornGemini

I sat at the bench where it all started ... I sat in the exact same spot I sat and looked to my left where Lucas sat 5 years ago as the cool breeze blew. I remembered every word that was said between the two of us. I remembered the look on his face as he tried to tell me how he felt. I remembered him opening the big box wit the blue rose that represented "one and only" and "purity". I remembered him opening the little ring box that held the ring I gave him in tenth grade as he said to me, "this ring is what made me realize that there was something special about you". A smile was brought to my face without me really realizing it. Remembering the old days is so easy but at the same time so hard knowing you can't have those days anymore.

I looked around the beautiful park and saw a couple holding each other in the bright sunlight and I start to remember how he used to hold me like that and say that he loved me too much to ever let go. Tears formed in my eyes but none would fall. I thought for a moment that he came and hugged me as I felt a little bit of warmth around my shoulders but the cool breeze turned ice cold right when I started to think about all the broken promises that he left me with. I closed my eyes and tried to hold on to that warmth but I opened my eyes and saw that I was alone on the bench, hanging on for dear life to my jacket.

"Don't ever think I would EVER leave you ... don't you dare ever believe that I'll ever stop caring for you ... don't ever believe that I would break-up with you ... you mean too much to me," he said once to me. It was at that moment that I realized just how much I really do love him because I came to a point where I realized I couldn't live without him. So many promises he made ... now I beg for no more promises. "Don't promise me things that you know you cannot keep"; my new life revelation. I realized that I haven't made a promise since ... to anyone. I won't let anyone make any promises to me.

As I started to stare at the gentle ripples of the pond in front of me, I wondered if I could promise myself to be okay again. I could say it in my mind several times but once I attempted to say it out loud, the words were stuck deep in my throat. I couldn't do it. I couldn't say it. A part of me didn't want to hear it but it was something that was extremely needed. I want to be okay again and I honestly thought I was on my way there but lately ... it's been difficult. For the past few days, the same melancholy feeling would arise in the most unexpected times.

The park was so beautiful. The way the willow trees swayed, the rich colour green of the trees and plants, the gorgeous flowers in full bloom ... such a beautiful sight. A sight too beautiful for me to look at. It was almost like I didn't belong there for a little bit. A girl with such a dark mind didn't deserve to be in such a beautiful place. Thoughts of how I used to be came flooding in and it made me say to myself, "Sharleene ... she would have belonged here". Saying my full name brought more swelling tears to my eyes as I could hear him say my name with such sincerity and love.

"I love you because of the person you are Sharleene ... I've learned so much from you ... strength ... so much strength you have that I wish I had," I can hear him say in my mind. The first tear ran down my cheek. If you could only see me now. I don't have the strength I used to have. If I could ever have you again ... would you still love me knowing that I have changed so much? I am not the person I used to be. I probably would do anything to be the person I used to be for you ... that is if that chance would ever come by again. Second chances only get you so far though. I've had too many second chances already.

As a sweet family walked passed me, and the light changed to a darker shade, my mind shifted. I didn't know whether to be angry with him or angry with myself. I was a closed book before I was with him and still was for a while. But he wanted me to be open, he wanted me to say I loved him, he wanted me to be everything to him and I let my guard down completely and did it all for him. I set myself up for something that I thought would be incredible, only to be let down. He WANTED all of this. At one point, I think he wanted this more than I did and I loved him so much that I was willing to do anything for him even if it's risking who I was to make him happy. A part of me is so angry about why he would back away from everything. He took the easy way out. Then again, that other part of me is angry with myself for letting myself get to the point of breaking who I was. I let myself break because I thought I was going to be a better person for it. I gave my all to him. Then I got even angrier and the tears started to flow heavily as I couldn't believe at the thoughts I was thinking. I seem so selfish ... I want to be selfish ... but I know it's wrong. I want HIM to be happy ... that's all I want from him.

I lit a cigarette and inhaled every toxic waste that entered my lungs. My world revolves around him ... I can't deny that. It's funny because I haven't seen him in a month and here I am wishing so hard that he won't leave. In so much denial ... in so much pain ... I'm wiser now. People have said that my maturity has grown in dramatically. I speak differently, I think differently, I move differently ... a growth is good but I am suffering from it. I've learned a lot over the last 6 months, the last few years actually ... but I don't know what I want now. My only option is no longer available. I could have my career but I know in my heart that is not my true calling. For someone who hated love and didn't want to get near it ... it seems to be calling me. At such a bad time though.

I closed my eyes and the tears fell even more. I could hear a baby crying. "Marcus is what I wanted to name my son". How I love that name. I would have let him name our son that. He would make an amazing father. I know that he wouldn't become the father that his father was. He wouldn't let himself be that man. Now I wonder if I'll ever be able to see that. I pictured myself bearing his children. It was so easy. I could see my whole future with him. I could never do that before. The future has always scared me. Every ruffle of the leaves from the wind brought a new image to my mind. I could see him playing with our children. I could see him and me in our marriage. I could see him and me in our old age, still holding each other; being each other's salvation.

I stood up and wiped my tears. The bright sky had turned into darkness. The stars peered through and I wondered if he could see them. Were we looking at the same ones? He always said he was born under a very unlucky star. I've always told myself that as well ... does that mean anything? Gems ... they were like gems up there, the stars. Which one was mine? I concentrated on a star that had shone the brightest and within minutes that brightness faded. So much like me.

I got my things and started to walk away ... back to my world of work and play. It's the same thing everyday. Despite the thoughts I had in my head today here at Minoru Park ... I couldn't help but think ... I can't wait to be here again.