Trapped in Darkness |
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| *RockizLife* |
 Jun 24 2005, 11:11 PM
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#1
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Trapped in Darkness
I hate them..... I Love you...... with out you dont know what I'd do I can still see you here deep inside my heart My only wish is that we would never be apart My souls desire is for you to be Forever by my side Right here with me I feel so lost, powerless, Like a lost soul, trapped in darkness ©Brenden Noll |
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Jun 24 2005, 11:18 PM
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#2
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 My name's Katt. Nice to meet you!  Group: Member Posts: 3,826 Joined: Jan 2005 Member No: 93,674 |
That's a cute poem and I was smiling when I read it. But even though you're my sexy guitarist friend, I'm still going to critique it as annoying as I may be.
Is this a breakup poem? Because it should be 'was that we would never be apart'. It sounds like at some parts you're trying to rhyme and some parts you're not. Try to stick to one style, but if you're going to use both, make it half and half and it will flow a lot smoother in contrast to just jumbled up patterns. Stop using so many periods. 3 for each line is enough. 'with out you dont know what I'd do' That line is so old. Be ORIGINAL. Despite those minor things, I think it's really good. Keep up the good work. |
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| *SimplePlan_Luvr* |
Jun 24 2005, 11:22 PM
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#3
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great poem lol @ first I thou it said trapped in a closet
 
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| *RockizLife* |
Jun 25 2005, 06:48 PM
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#4
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^lol that would suck.
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Jul 9 2005, 01:52 AM
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#5
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Mr. Hottie Group: Member Posts: 406 Joined: Feb 2005 Member No: 104,225 |
very desepenating.
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