SAY SOMETHING FUNNY!!, snappy answers are cool Options

[darkangel]

im bored. if you're bored, read this:

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?" The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."

[darkangel]

k this is really long but it's really funny.

I LIKE MONKEYS

The pet store was selling them for five cents a piece. I thought that odd since they were normally a couple thousand each. I decided not to look a gift horse in the mouth. I bought 200. I like monkeys.

I took my 200 monkeys home. I have a big car. I let one drive. His name was Sigmund. He was retarded. In fact, none of them were really bright. They kept punching themselves in their genitals. I laughed. Then they punched my genitals. I stopped laughing.

I herded them into my room. They didn't adapt very well to their new environment. They would screech, hurl themselves off of the couch at high speeds and slam into the wall. Although humorous at first, the spectacle lost its novelty halfway into its third hour.

Two hours later I found out why all the monkeys were so inexpensive: they all died. No apparent reason. They all just sorta' dropped dead. Kinda' like when you buy a goldfish and it dies five hours later. Damn cheap monkeys.

I didn't know what to do. There were 200 dead monkeys lying all over my room, on the bed, in the dresser, hanging from my bookcase. It looked like I had 200 throw rugs.

I tried to flush one down the toilet. It didn't work. It got stuck. Then I had one dead, wet monkey and 199 dead, dry monkeys.

I tried pretending that they were just stuffed animals. That worked for a while, that is until they began to decompose. It started to smell real bad.

I had to pee but there was a dead monkey in the toilet and I didn't want to call the plumber. I was embarrassed.

I tried to slow down the decomposition by freezing them. Unfortunately there was only enough room for two monkeys at a time so I had to change them every 30 seconds. I also had to eat all the food in the freezer so it didn't all go bad.

I tried burning them. Little did I know my bed was flammable. I had to extinguish the fire.

Then I had one dead, wet monkey in my toilet, two dead, frozen monkeys in my freezer, and 197 dead, charred monkeys in a pile on my bed. The odor wasn't improving.

I became agitated at my inability to dispose of my monkeys and to use the bathroom. I severely beat one of my monkeys. I felt better.

I tried throwing them way but the garbage man said that the city wasn't allowed to dispose of charred primates. I told him that I had a wet one. He couldn't take that one either. I didn't bother asking about the frozen ones.

I finally arrived at a solution. I gave them out as Christmas gifts. My friends didn't know quite what to say. They pretended that they like them but I could tell they were lying. Ingrates. So I punched them in the genitals.

I like monkeys

[tofumonzter]

something funny!!

[EmeraldKnight]

LOL hahaha

Shouldnt these be in the Humor section of Interests?

Well anyways, here's one (or a few) that may or may not be new:
"An infallible method of conciliating a tiger is to allow oneself to be devoured."- Konrad Adenauer

"If I Promise to miss you ... Will you go away?"- Anonymous

"This island is almost made of coal and surrounded by fish. Only an organizing genius could produce a shortage of coal and fish in Great Britain at the same time."- Aneunin Bevan - British Labour Politician. Speech May 18, 1945.

"The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they're okay, then it's you."- Rita Mae Brown

"The best case: Get salary from America, build a house in England, live with a Japanese wife, and eat Chinese food.
Pretty good case: Get salary from England, build a house in America, live with a Chinese wife, and eat Japanese food.
The worst case: Get salary from China, build a house in Japan, live with a British wife, and eat American food."- Bungei Shunju, a popular Japanese magazine

"Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected."- Red Buttons

"Most people think life sucks, and then you die. Not me. I beg to differ. I think life sucks, then you get cancer, then your dog dies, your wife leaves you, the cancer goes into remission, you get a new dog, you get remarried, you owe ten million dollars in medical bills but you work hard for thirty-five years and you pay it back and then -- one day -- you have a massive stroke, your whole right side is paralyzed, you have to limp along the streets and speak out of the left side of your mouth and drool but you go into rehabilitation and regain the power to walk and the power to talk and then -- one day -- you step off a curb at Sixty-seventh Street, and BANG you get hit by a city bus and then you die. Maybe."- Dennis Leary

"It depends on your definition of asleep. They were not stretched out. They had their eyes closed. They were seated at their desks with their heads in a nodding position."- John Hogan, Commonwealth Edison Supervisor of News Information, responding to a charge by a Nuclear Regulatory Commission inspector that two Dresden Nuclear Plant operators were sleeping on the job

[darkangel]

haha lol

[*NatiMarie*]

these are funny. The monkey one is funny, but weird. Haha, actually, interesting too. Monkies are cool. Stinky too, bleah!

[*CEP*]

Here's something funny:

- MOVED TO INTERESTS>HUMOR -

OMG I crack myself up.

- Chinkieeyedpnoi

PS: Sorry for poking fun.

[faithin_felix]

i don't get the first one...

[ref_inn_ej]

LOL!!! 200 monkeys... thats so farny!!!!
lolll... i wonder what would happen if there rly was 200 monkeys in my house... thatd be scary...

[Got Shibby?]

I read the monkey one before. Fun stuff.

[GinaDaQueen]

That monkey one was indeed very weird...

[faithin_felix]

monkeys 200 dead? oh god, if that happened, i'd die.

[lilaznkkid]

the first one is ok...but kinad funnie

[o0h*s0o//d0rKaBl...]

poor monkeys

[jue]

lolss (=

[*chaneun*]

0mgerzzzzz lYK I l0ve toFu!!!!!!

[Chaos13]

whoa thats sad yet funny!

[pinkd0tcom]

I actually like that. IDK why.. but I do.

[loljuliana]

Most people think life sucks, and then you die. Not me. I beg to differ. I think life sucks, then you get cancer, then your dog dies, your wife leaves you, the cancer goes into remission, you get a new dog, you get remarried, you owe ten million dollars in medical bills but you work hard for thirty-five years and you pay it back and then -- one day -- you have a massive stroke, your whole right side is paralyzed, you have to limp along the streets and speak out of the left side of your mouth and drool but you go into rehabilitation and regain the power to walk and the power to talk and then -- one day -- you step off a curb at Sixty-seventh Street, and BANG you get hit by a city bus and then you die. Maybe

haha that was great =)