11 Years Old Options

[..:loveee.NuTTii]

It's my first time postin here....I'm nervous.
Anyway, it's this thing I wrote for one of my English homeworks and everyone liked it:

11 years old
Standing by the grave side
Watching everyone cry my flower away
Mines didn't even make it to the bottom
Before they started filling up the grave
I don't really think about it much now
But it still hurts when I see her face
And I was just 11

I went numb for some time
Afraid to heal, trying not to heal
It all just seemed too surreal
She was gone so I started acting dark
I snapped at my friends and cursed them all
One gets pissed, calls me a poser, and breaks away
Now we just don't talk at all
But then I was just 11

What hurt the most was noone told me
Daddy withdrew and mommy cried
And I got all dressed up that day
Trying to impress her
Only she wasn't there to see
Eyes closed, hands clasped
How could she go so peacefully
Knowing she left me behind
Now I'm not 11
And now I finally see

[loljuliana]

wow; i love it; emotional. .

[sadolakced acid]

wow. very good.

not really sure who died, but that adds to the effect

the only thing i'd change is you have an end rhyme in a place, which is out of place, as your poem doens't rhyme other times. i'd suggest getting rid of that rhyme.

great job.

[MrElsewhere]

i think the rhyming was done purposely to get the reader to remember/notice those lines..

i like it. powerful, emotional, moving..

[KissMe2408]

wow, im very impressed. I think you did an excellent job, it kept me reading, kept me entranced. Here was my favorite part:

And I got all dressed up that day
Trying to impress her
Only she wasn't there to see
Eyes closed, hands clasped
How could she go so peacefully
Knowing she left me behind
Now I'm not 11
And now I finally see

beautifully written

[yukichan]

wow that was really emotional..i really like it..

[..:loveee.NuTTii]

Thankyou for all your comments-you've made me a very happy camper

i think the rhyming was done purposely to get the reader to remember/notice those lines..

Umm..no. I thought those lines sucked too

not really sure who died, but that adds to the effect

It was my aunt

[Paradox of Life]

I really like it. I think that you should change the rhyming lines. If you think they suck, perhaps you should just go ahead and fix it. Other than those lines, I think it was written really nicely. It's really deep and moving. It's so tragic, but then again if it wasn't, there would be nothing to write about.

[racoons > you]

i think its wonderful. the ending is the best part.

but i agree with justin. not knowing who died gives it s agreater degree of emotional depth

[Gypsy Eyes]

that just made me cry.

i love it.

[HelloSunshine]

I loved it. It was so moving. Great job.

[*nightmare4taki*]

How Touching. Nice Job

[sikdragon]

I might of missed something, did you accidentally leave out half of it in an edit accident?

I read all the comments first. Like simon, "it's like ordering a gaurd dog, and getting a poodle in a leather jacket."

Here's something you've never heard before. There are two types of emotions, shallow emotions and primal emotion.

shallow emotions are easy to scratch because it's just the surface, but to get down deep you need brutal truth and a powerful relation.

That's why girl's get so emotional at sad times... not all girls.
Their surface is soft and mushy. It can get scratched over and over. That is also why so many fall in love so easily. trust me you do.

Guy's are trained from a very young age to have a very thin scratching surface. *im talking about guys not faggots and effeminate weirdos*

When something penetrates passed that first surface real emotion happens. things like getting in a car crash and causing the death of your mother. Not only the fact that she's dead, but the fact that you killed her. Guilt is a tool that is used to break the surface. Crying when bambi's dad was shot does not.

Another tool used is truth which ties in with guilt, because it pricks the heart. It's like yes that's so true. When something agrees against that darkness where you hide your inner despair and wrong doings. When something touches that hole in your heart and it shines a light, saying that yes it is hollow. That can be tremendous.

Sex... images on television and on here can arouse certain primal emotions, but it's mostly physical and usually penetrates with guilt and inner desire. That desire gives a foot hold keeping a scar open for sex to slip in. Do you know the joy a virgin gets when she gives herself to a man and she knows it's right? do you know that trust? that is the ultimate gateway passed the surface. That's when two hearts meld and combine. Making the heart strings intertwine.

There are other ways to reach passed. One is God. many don't believe in God and therefore you can't understand that no matter how metaphorical i get. It's beyond anything described here. Love beyond imagination. it's as if you were built for it. the Holy Ghost is awesome.

Another way to reach passed is poetry. guilt ridden poetry. Truthful poetry. and relatable poetry. There are others of which i attempt to speak with sub-conscious and try and read how people react to hone my skill. The potential of the human mind is boggling. there are so many things that we as humans fail to understand.

[sadolakced acid]

^ not to be mean, but what the heck are you talking about?

[racoons > you]

*im talking about guys not faggots and effeminate weirdos*

i may have to tread on you at some point,just so you know. jackass

what on earth did ANY of that have to do with directly with that poem?

[sikdragon]

In a nutshell for you geniuses, if the poet wanted to write it better for the poem's sake, they needed to take it a bit more in depth. if not fine. It's called constructive criticism. The writer can choose to respond to the criticism or ignore it. you will tread on noone. and for mr.acid, who cares if you're being mean.

[*iNyCxShoRT*]

Very descriptive, and emotional *thumbs up*

[..:loveee.NuTTii]

In a nutshell for you geniuses, if the poet wanted to write it better for the poem's sake, they needed to take it a bit more in depth. if not fine. It's called constructive criticism. The writer can choose to respond to the criticism or ignore it. you will tread on noone. and for mr.acid, who cares if you're being mean.

Well, I appreciate the critique, but really I'd rather keep the poem the way it is. At first, I did want to change it, but now I don't know. The more times I read it, the more I feel any changes would disrupt how the poem makes me feel. Like the part that I didn't too like "Afraid to heal, trying not to heal/It all just seemed too surreal" It describes it perfectly. I don't think I could go too much more in depth because this happened when I was 7 and I have gotten over it. It does pull at my heart, but just a little now. A little is enough for me. Thanks anyway.

[`SWTWiNKLE3YES]

its very good. but wait .. my english teacher said that "mines" isnt a word .. lol random thought.

[*xcaitlinx*]

who died? tell us tell us.

[Paradox of Life]

Crying when bambi's dad was shot does not.

Um, your whole post made absolutely no sense and it has nothing to do with the poem. I don't even think you know what you're talking about. And if she wanted to write it the way she did, that's her way of writing poetry. Basically you're just trying to get her to write like you. Constructive criticizm is where you actually say something about flow or rhyming. Deepness is entirely the author's decision. You've posted on one of my boards and you act like you know everything about poetry but you're just an annoying smartass.
And Bambi's mom got shot, not his dad. I saw the movie yesterday

[*islandgirl4eva*]

Ugh, I'm so late, but I HAD to comment.

That was really beautiful. The tragedy of not knowing that you're going to see someone that you love already in her grave. It made me clutch my heart. You did really well.

[toodlepops.]

It was beautiful.
Really beautiful.
Sorry bout your aunt, btw

[MrElsewhere]

i've come to the conclusion that "sikdragon" is a total idiot trying to sound intelligent.

[akjsd]

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