createBlog Diary, version 4 Options

[silver-rain]

if i had the 10 bucks to spare i would...

Planned Parenthood gives free pregnancy testing...

Dear cb diary,
Today I felt more productive that I ever was. Woke up early, ran a bridle and did some sprints. But during that run, I felt really sick and bleh. And then I came home, saw the aftereffects of a car crash, and studied for my AP Spanish test.

But I didn't get to talk to Stephen that much today... Eh, he said he would call, but eh. I'm really afraid that I am caring way too much than he is, and that if I showed the same amount of care that he shows me, our relationship is going to get worse. I love him a lot, but sometimes I'm not sure how he feels about me. Sure, he says that he loves me, but where's the proof? He doesn't call or leave messages anymore, he doesn't write poems for me, draw me pictures, etc. He doesn't even make suggestions as to what to do. It's always me. And, it's not like he listens to me either. That day it was really nice and sunny? All we did was go to his place and I sat idly by as he tended to his fish. Then I had to go home... I had suggested going to the park, being more productive but no. He cared about his fish. Before he went away, he told me that he wanted to make sure that his fish were properly taken care of... I truly hope he doesn't put those fish above me.

We barely talk now too. On the phone, there's all those awkward silences. With those one word responses. I can tell that he was just waiting to stop talking to me. I guess this week away from me will be good for him. I hope that when he comes back, he'll appreciate everything I do for him, because sometimes I don't get that feeling. I know that I really do love him, I just want a sign from him that he feels the same way, or our relationship is going nowhere.

[*jooleeah*]

Dear createblog diary,
Lately, I've been thinking about all the crap that's happened in my life. It's effected me in so many ways....I've changed into a completely different person. Honestly, I don't know how I would turn out if that shit didn't happen.

Meh, right now I don't feel like elaborating. Maybe later?

julia

[xTINAA]

Dear cB Diary,
Everything is overwhelming me. I'm about to explode. No lie. Explode and die. I'm losing my sanity. I'm so angry, bitter, cynical, etc right now. Actually I have been for a while but now it's getting worse. Everyone is seriously pissing me off. Everyone. Parents, siblings, church people, friends, strangers, teachers, everyone. I can't handle anything. Why am I like this? I don't want to be like this. I want to change. God damnit. I don't want to be like this. Anyways, I think I need a break from cB. Or at least to stop coming as much. It's definetely not as enjoyable and I really have no reason to.
-Me.

[sharerol]

Dear cB Diary,

The first half of today wasn't too horrible. After noon, however, everyone just started pissing me off. Ugh...I didn't know what to do. i felt really bad. I guess it's gotten better now, but mehhh. I don't really feel like posting much.

--Cheryl

[Teesa]

Dear Cb diary,
I almost had a nervous breakdown tonight. I cannot believe that tests start in less than 6 days. And teachers pile on even more homework I cannot believe it. I am so close to quitting. I cannot handle this anymore. I just need to pass three of the five a.p. and I'm free, but even that seems impossible now.

-teesa

[nhj_2006]

dear cb diary

ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh school is stressin me out like a mother father!!!
so many test everyday, state test, county test, class test, anyway
woke up at 5 to study. must be outta myyyy mind. its 730 now and im very sleeeeeepy. still bout 8 more hrs till i get home and get to sleep. i really hope i do good on today's test. anyway, sunday night was awessssommme =]

stressed out me

[to-devastate]

Dear cB Diary,
Is it my fcuking fault that I feel so insecure around them. Like I can't trust them; although they are among the people I love? I don't understand. Tell me again why they just choose to make me feel this bad. I feel so lonely right now. Maybe I shouldn't do this at all. Maybe I shouldn't. You don't want to be with me, fine with me. I'm having doubts. Many doubts about our friendship. Tell me why the fcuk they act like that towards me. Is it because I'm blind? Becuase they know that I'm not fcuking good enough? I don't know. Just not anymore. I try so hard. Just so hard to keep up with them. That pratically, I'm losing them. I'm far behind. I really felt like I was like them. Guess I was wrong. Guess I was so fcuking wrong.
-Insecurity.

[Azn_Angelx]

Dear cB Diary,
Is it my fcuking fault that I feel so insecure around them. Like I can't trust them; although they are among the people I love? I don't understand. Tell me again why they just choose to make me feel this bad. I feel so lonely right now. Maybe I shouldn't do this at all. Maybe I shouldn't. You don't want to be with me, fine with me. I'm having doubts. Many doubts about our friendship. Tell me why the fcuk they act like that towards me. Is it because I'm blind? Becuase they know that I'm not fcuking good enough? I don't know. Just not anymore. I try so hard. Just so hard to keep up with them. That pratically, I'm losing them. I'm far behind. I really felt like I was like them. Guess I was wrong. Guess I was so fcuking wrong.
-Insecurity.

awwwwws eileen.. its just the way they are. i dont think they want to hurt you. is it that you feel like they're hurt you? dont worry at least there's ONE person out there that loves you oh so dearly. =]

Dear cB dairy,

everytime i smile the next second that smile turns into tears. why do i think everyone ignores me? wat did i do? its like being a loner. but im not... i have friends. hehe.....its funny that friends arent always there. its not that i hate them. i love them oh so dearly. but just sometimes ..... at home. i am expected to do wat i meant to do. get good grades and be responsible. yeah that sure is right. but sometimes i dont feel like doin those things. sometimes i dont even know wats wrong with me! its just arghs! ><" its very hard. sometimes i dont know half the stuff i do.

[*jooleeah*]

Dear createblog diary,
I'm a bit annoyed. Why must people act like idiots just to impress others? Being a fool brings nothing but hatred to you.

Anyway, today sucked. A lot. I don't feel like saying anything to anyone right now, so maybe I'll write in here later.

-julia

[*tweeak*]

dear cb diary,

fuccckkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk im going to faillllllllllllllll chemistry

[Looow]

Dear Createblog Diary,

Okay so my sister moved out of the house a week ago. I know, it's normal that siblings move out (she's 19) but it still doesn't stop me from being hurt. Me and her were so darn close. We've always been so close and I'm afraid that now that she left and has a boyfriend, she'll forget about me. Because really, she's working all day and when she isn't working she is either sleeping or hanging out with her boyfriend/friends. So how do I know she'll have time for me? This is the third time she moves out and the last two didn't work. The first time she was 15 and the second time she was 17 or 18 now she's 19. Rawr. She still has the chance to come back and I hope she wants to. However, even if she wanted to she's far too stubborn to come back to our home.

There is only one month of school left. YESSS!! I am so glad. I've never hated school so much. I don't know why I ahte it so much. I've change so much..I used to love school. I used to tell my parents to never make me miss school for ANYTHiNG but now I only wished I could miss school. I used to be a straight A student but now I'm not. I'm not getting F's or anything like that but I know I could do much better. Ughh and High School..I really don't want to go. I'm way to used to middle school and stuff and going to a HUGE new school with hundreds of people you don't even know is goign to be hard. My friend says its going to be easy for me beacsue I make friends really easily but I'm not sure that nessesarily true. I mean, this year I drifted away from sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo many people. Is that my fault? I used to be way more confident about meeting new people and socializing and getting to know people. But now, I feel like I can't. I just can't. I wonder what next year is going to be like. I know def. harder. But ahh...Gosh now that i think of it, I am losing touch with otns of people. How sad.

<333 Lorena

[silver-rain]

Dear CB Diary,

Ughhh, I'm feeling so helpless right now. I'm trying to figure out how to work this thing for my health project, but it's impossible. And my health group is depending on me... and I can't eat anymore, it's making me sick. Ughhh this sucks. I wish my boyfriend was here so I can talk to him and he can comfort me.... Annnd, APs are in a week...

[yukichan]

dear cB diary..
im shocked..**** admitted liking me a little..i like him but im not exactly sure if i really do so i never told him..i dont want to hurt him...

omg..there is so much stuff to do..i think ill go home early tomorrow..i need to catch up on social studies..

today was a good day i guess..
...Nancy...

[dreamerOi]

dear createB diary,

he makes me happy. and im doing much better in school. grades are practically all A's now. only 1 B. im glad.. im actually getting along with my mom lately. which is good too. and now when i set goals i actually achieve it. i think ive gotten taller and lost a little weight. interesting.. anywho. justins getting better. strange how love works. i didnt know id fall in love with andrew. at first i didnt even like him. but he somehow just grew on me. i still feel bad about justin though. though hes getting better.. i miss the days. andrew and i its funny how were always talking about the future even though we dont really like to. but then we do.

Linda.

[..:loveee.NuTTii]

Dear cB,
Jebus-I hope I'm allowed to post here. I've just discovered the writing forum and it is awesome. Yes, cB will be my life for the next couple days. Vacation you know. I still have to do my English homework. A poem on the end of WWII. Ugh-so much research. Also, on the 4th I have a report of info due on guanacos I thought they were llama's-that's why I chose them. Lol. Well Sat/Sun I'm suppose to go to the movies w/ Remya, Jen, and Kajal but Kajal's parent's are quite strict. And....ya well it's this whole big thing about where I live and where they live and stuff. Well, look at that, I guess cB won't be my life.
Alana

[yukichan]

dear cB diary..
things have got a little better..
sigh..today was a stressful day..i never did daybook yet..i dont feel motivated right now..
hmm..well thats it i guess..
well ya..
...Nancy...

[Looow]

Dear Createblog Diary,
Okay so I think I'm feeling better now. Actually I'm pretty happy except that they distroyed our lockers! Ughhhh they stole my books!

[*jooleeah*]

Dear Createblog Diary,
I can't believe this thing is still at page two.
Anyway, I can't wait for the summer. We only have 19 days, excluding weekends. You have no idea how happy that makes me.

WOOHOO. I need to lose weight

[Chii]

dear createBlog diary,

thank the lord i'm not pregnant ...be careful what you wish for the cramps were worse than ever...and when it rains it poors...johnny and i were watching a dvd in him computer, then he got up to get me something and he was taking a pretty long time so i got up...then i felt it run down my leg... it stained my pants! good thing johnny and i are close, it didn't really bother him.

when i cleaned up the mess i put the used toilet paper in a plastic bag...i accidentally left it on the subway before i disposed it... johnny was like "what about this" and i told him to just leave it because it was trash...i didn't think. oh shit with all that "if you see something say something" and whatnot about unattended bags. what if i get in trouble? what if there's some police investigation about it? after all...it is blood stuff in a bag... but it wasn't a lot of blood, but it was a lot of toilet paper. maybe they won't think too much of it...after all it's kind of obvious it's a period...i hope they let it go and it's not all over the news

ugh, it was so embarassing walking around outside with that stain on my pants, i tried to cover my ass with my bag of dvds. johnny told me it wasn't a big deal but he doesn't think any stain is a big deal after we went our separate ways, i went into a dollar store to dawdle because i didn't want to be home so early...i looked in a mirror and hey, it wasn't that bad you really couldn't see it and those pants make my ass look so nice

wow, what a pointless long ass entry...i overuse "ass" but anyway thank goodness i'm not pregnant


i'd like to thank xxcrazyjewxx and linke3 for trying to help, i'm truly grateful that they actually read part of my pregnancy scare and replied, thank you rachel and linda


much love,
M.L. x3

[xenosaga]

Dear CB Diary,

ugh, SAT10 is next week, and its going to be annoying, i might miss out on my practice SAT for an appointment. my week went by so lame. gosh nothing to do. well i'm glad im almost out for summer! finally! i will be staying up so late and ill be proud of it..teehee..

much luv,
Donna

[inthemudhole]

Hi.

I'm scaring myself.
Everything was going wonderfully, but something just hit me earlier tonight.
I'm going back to the way I was about a month and a half ago... The overly depressed stage of my life. The half-way suicidal stage in my life.

I don't have ANYONE to talk with... There's only one person, but he's gone right now... On a trip... He calls me, but I can't do this over the phone.
I just don't have anywhere or anyone to turn to.
He is the only one that knows my deepest, darkest secret. He is the only one that understands that secret of mine. He is the only one in my life that can relate to me in that sense... But he's gone until Monday. I can't wait that long. I've literally snapped.

I had stopped...Fine, I'll say it. I had stopped cutting for a few weeks, but I couldn't take it anymore. I did it last night... A lot.

Ugh, I just don't know what to do.

I'm a weak and selfish person.
I hate everything about myself.
I can't please myself or anyone else around me.
I'm losing friends.
I'm a horrible girlfriend.

I don't feel anything right now.
I'm just numb.
Nothing can touch me anymore.

I just don't know where to turn.
I don't want professional help or counseling, although that might help... I haven't tried that in a few years.
If my parents catch me doing anything, I'm sure they'd send me somewhere to get professional help.
I just want someone to talk to right now.
I miss him.
He's only been gone a few days, and he did call me earlier tonight, but I miss him.. It's easier to type this stuff to him rather than speak it to him. I can never manage to say things right.

Whatever.
I want to end it, yet I don't.

I just don't know who to turn to anymore..

What to do now...,

Brie

[soulless727]

Dear cB Diary:

I'm feeling really bad about marisa....my mom was bugging me a lot back when all of us started doing stuff every friday about it I liked Annie and shes saying that I was leading her on...something I've never thought about....and I really didn't think about it with Marisa either....I don't want to hurt their feelings or anything....but I finally realized that this is only a temporary solution and that they will be hurt even more later on when they find out the truth...If only their was an easy way to let someone down...I wish I could just have someone tell her a whole bunch of stuff but that would be unfair to them...I just wish I didn't think about these things so much so I wouldn't feel so guilty. I need to get this fixed though...I feel really bad about it and it's going to be hard but I have to do it...

That was the easy part to write about...

Last night I watched the notebook with lindsay and her. I cried....It was really awkward watching it with the person that you like...I remember the first part I cried at...They were fighting and she was going to leave him and he asked her what it was she wanted...I asked myself that question and looked to my left...I wanted it so bad...But I knew I wouldn't be able to get it. I cried from that point on with my silent tears. It was like I didn't even watch the movie after that point...I just asked myself the questions they asked each other...Where did she see herself in 30 years...I asked myself that.....I didn't know....but I did know where I would want to be...Once again I looked to my left with her face shoved into the blankets from crying. After the movie she wanted to tell me and the other person something but she couldn't...not while I was there...So we just hung out for a while...she really wouldn't say it there with me...So I just said I had to go home before my parents come home and find me not home when I was supposed to be home a hour and a half ago...She left soon afterwords and then got online when she got home...She told me what she had to say...she couldn't tell it to me in person...I'm glad she didn't I wouldve cried again...I'm starting to cry right now...but she says shes unworthy of my love...I feel the exact opposite...I feel almost ashamed of how I feel. She took out the ice cream...her way to think...she was crying...I was crying...I don't see why we can't be more than friends...

[Rachel]

dear createBlog diary,
wow, what a pointless long ass entry...i overuse "ass" but anyway thank goodness i'm not pregnant
i'd like to thank xxcrazyjewxx and linke3 for trying to help, i'm truly grateful that they actually read part of my pregnancy scare and replied, thank you rachel and linda
much love,
M.L. x3

Ohh yay! I was worried for you! <3 Thank goodness

Anyways, Dear cB diary,

Rawr, Tom is gone until tonight or something, IDK. I miss him already, which is sad because I saw him yesterday after school. We can't talk on the phone because he went like camping or something and didn't take his phone =(. I hung out with his friends last night, well I guess they are my friends too...Anyways I watched them play poker, I was the only girl. T'was entertaining. I think I could have played better than Adam. Haha. Anyways, his friends like me. Matt made me smile

"You know what I HATE about you Rachel?! That you are nice to everyone, you don't hate anyone and you are soo sweet!"

God, I love that kid.

[wounded]

Yes, I know that I tend to say how much I hate being adopted and stuff, but it's a blessing that no one can ever imagine. I wouldn't be eating ho-ho's and drinking root beer had I not been adopted.

But, would me not have being adopted made me happier? Is it possible to know something like that? Would I be happy or depressed if I was living with Sharon? I wish that I knew the answer to that.

She's too pretty to really be related to me. Seriously. I don't understand where I got my looks. Compared to her, I'm ugly. I'm sick. I'm a fat idiot. She's like a goddess to me. But, maybe that's just because I haven't ever seen a photograph of her until April 10th, 2005. My birthday. My 15th birthday. I don't think that's right. Making some kid wait 15 years to know their birth-mother's handwriting - her looks, her thoughts, her everything.

Maybe that's just me.

[sharerol]

Dear cB diary,

My head hurts right now. I'm going out to eat lunch soon. Hopefully, it'll be gone by then. Oohhhhh, I am getting an urge to go shopping! That is pretty rare for me. =]

Well, yesterday I started working on a Keira layout with that one Keira blend. Gosh, I am really rusty. It looks pretty crappy to me; it's not turning out the way I hoped it would turn out.

Okay, I am also planning to submit a layout to cB once all the skin traffic stops. Okay yeah, that's it.

--Cheryl