createBlog Diary., Version 3. Options

[soulless727]

Deat cB Diary:

I got grounded sunday for staying up so late on saturday. it was the only time i had to write how i felt inside because my brother is always looking over my shoulder while i write in my xanga...oh well...im at school right now in school services so this is how im going to have to get my daily posts. mikal turns 16 tomorrow and i will become the president of our qorum for church since im first counsouler...i dont know whether to be happy or sad....it would be like my aunt dying and i get some of her money....track starts today but i dont feel good....hope i can get through it...

-race

[weirdness]

ill make this short, since its almost 19 pages

dear cB diary;
today i dont have to bring much to school. it feels weird when i dun bring anything to school. lol
and i have a test tomarrow. big test. my highschool depends on it. damnit. i think im sick. not good :|

sincerely me

[heyyfrankie]

Dear Createblog Diary,

i think that today was boring. but tennis was good because i moved up to number 3!

--Frankie

[*mzkandi*]

Dear CB,
Schools almost ending. oh joy...but now comes in the real work...boo
kiera

[inthemudhole]

Hello.

I haven't listened to Green Day for quite some time.
*shrugs* Just felt like listening to them today.

What a boring day.
Meh.
I didn't have much time to practice my guitar.
I'll do it later. I don't have much homework. So I think I'll practice after homework and a shower. What a lovely plan.

I need to write something.
I've picked up a bit of inspiration from this forum, so that could help..

I guess Joe and I are "going out" now.
It's lovely.
A lovely feeling.
Even though I haven't met him (yes, it's online....shut up), I feel I like him better than any other guy I've been involved with. Really. We really relate to each other. It's great to have someone to talk to. I could never talk about anything with my ex when we were dating. I really couldn't. Maybe I was immature, or maybe he just wasn't open enough about his issues, because we truly did relate as well.

Anyway, that is about it for today.

Thirteen days,

Brie

[*jooleeah*]

Dear createblog diary:

Everyone's so sure of themselves and I feel like I'm just sitting in a corner watching them. I feel as if I'm the only one who feels this way. I can't talk to anyone....everyone's so busy. Plus, I'm so busy with everyone else's problems that I can't solve my own. I need a break, even though I just had one. I want to get out of this place. Only 6 more weeks.

[to-devastate]

Dear cB diary,
I hate them now. She imed me today asking if I hated her or something. And i lied. puahahhahaah. i said no; why. i'm evil. well. its good that she got my message. i despise her; i have so many reasons beyond the fact that shes freakishly annoying and a b*tch.
- Evilness.

[yukichan]

dear cB diary..
today was strange...when i was walking to the bus stop with san, maris, and windy i started thinking about that person...and idk..i started to feel depressed..i still cant accept the fact that hes going to be gone next year...i know im being selfish but i cant help it...he barely talks to me anymore...sigh....

thats it..
<3 Nancy

[heyyfrankie]

Dear Createblog Diary,

well, i just found out that taylor and cici are going out. he asked her out through xanga! i still don't know if that is the right thing to do? but, of course, cici thought it was the cutest thing in the whole wide world. she is kinda pissing me off because is playing with so many guys' hearts and feelings and sex drives and i don't think it is right. but whatever, it is not my life.

--Frankie

[yummy_delight]

dear cb diary:

i'll make this short and sweet.

i need to get laid. NOW.

xoxo laur

[*Statistik*]

dear cb diary..

I HATE CB

[to-devastate]

Dear cB diary,
I think it's his birthday tomorrow. I wanted to give him "the card" that would express how I felt about him. But since he now moved/sits next to me in band and science.. and tomorrow's a double science.. i don't think i can take the awkardness after he recieves the card. I'm feared. I don't like rejection. I think I'm going to just play safe and give him the damn $5.
- Rejection-phobia girl.

[*stephinika*]

dear cb diary,

today was amusing. test wasn't so bad, just long...meh. dance was rather funny today too. ah the drama...seriously though, jess and tam are freaking hilarious. i was crying from laughter. good times with kaitlyn. but yeah, twas fun. ms.p is awesome too. i'm quite excited for our performance tomorrow actually...it'll be fun. and i like my new spot. woo.

[xTINAA]

Dear cB Diary,
Oh my. Could the freaking stress levels be any effing higher? Honestly. I think I'm going to die before the week ends. There is no time to do anything anymore. Granted, I should take a break from cB but hell, I have an addiction and it's hard. Haha. Plus, it's kind of like in the back of my mind, I don't want to do the work, I don't want to look for scholarships, I just don't want to. It's rather intimidating to think about all of it and to actually try to do it all. I made my life so terribly difficult just because of a few wrong and stupid decisions. If I could I would go back to myself 2 years ago and tell myself everything I know now. I would redo everything. No one should have to go through shit like this, especially when it's something that in reality is really petty. *sigh* Oh well. G'bye.
-Me.

[Teesa]

Dear Createblog Diary..
I wasted the day today. I did absolutely nothing that was productive whatsoever. I feel worthless now. I can't afford to waste a day when I have exams coming up so quickly. From this moment on, I will use my time productively..[haha how dramatic I know=)] Anyways, I'm working to get my math grade up, after I horribly failed the last one. Well, I'm done with failing shit like that. My math grade will not bring my gpa down again.

[yukichan]

dear cB diary..
I just want to sit down and cry.
I guess tonight is going to be another night where I cry to sleep...
Lucky me..
.....Nancy.....

[nhj_2006]

dear cb diary,

wow its 19 pages long.. =] havent wrote in here for a long time, im back!
spring break is over and we have umm 30 school days left. wahoo. then i'll be a senior, then high school will be long gone. woot woot. i still do not like my new school, even tho it has been 4 months, i have to retake this stupid county test next monday and i really hope i pass this time. life is going alright, my hunn slept over with me on saturday nd my parents did not say anything which makes me alll happy. got a math test today, hopefully will be easy, i hope theres no hw today, cuz im feelin very indolent today.

<3 mEeeEh

[*mishyerr*]

Dear createBlog diary,

I find that I need to learn to live for myself. I'm really codependent, and I still wonder what I'd ever do if I had no one. It scares me. I couldn't ever do without these people.

If Nick ever wanted me back and I'd moved on, I wondered what I'd do. Or even if I didn't have someone, would I take him back? Could I openly welcome him back into my life? And I realized, no. I never could. I put my trust in him and he let me down. He utterly discarded me from his life, and I simply don't exist to him anymore.

I tell myself to move on, and I'm trying really hard to. It's difficult. I'm trying to remove him from my life, to keep him out of my life, but sometimes it's hard. I don't think about him much, if at all, but sometimes he just pops up, especially in the chatroom. And it's awkward. I suppose it's a good thing he never stays for long, but deep inside, I want him to stay, just so I can watch him. Not even to talk with him, just.. to watch.

Speaking of boys, I found out today that the only true way to any guy's heart is through his dick. It holds true for all the guys I've ever liked. They don't want me; they want my body. They don't want to have a relationship; they want to get laid. It pisses the hell out of me too.

So, the only true way to a guy's heart is through his dick.  Ahaha. I saw the second ex today, without his fat girlfriend. I made a small comment and he lept at the opportunity. It was pathetic, really. He offered to come over to my house. I said I didn't care, but to be honest I'm not going to let him come over. He thinks that he can treat me like shit, cheat on me, and still get some? Bullshit. he should go back to his fatass whore.

I'm so not over him, which is really sad. even I know. I'm not over any of the guys. It seems that them being assholes to me just makes me want them even more. It doesn't make sense. It's not right. It's so wrong. I hate it. I don't even like Eddy anymore; I'm just jealous. How is that a lying, fat jerk like him gets a girlfriend before I find someone new? I'm loyal, I'm true. Boys just never seem to see that.

Both Chris and Eddy thought I cheated on them; I never did. I could never cheat on someone, I can't cope with guilt at all. I'm faithful to no end, but nobody seems to know. Guys assume the worst of me. They see the worst of me. They're blind to how I am. I'm one of the nice girls, underneath this cover. Sure, I find entertainment and amusement in being mean, but if you really get to know me, you know I'm not.

It's a shame that nobody ever sees it; I'm a nice girl, but I can never fully open up to anyone. I'm still scared of the pain, especially after my first, Chris. He'll never know how much he hurt me. Never. I was so optimistic back then, I believed that we'd married and grow old together. He only fed the illusion. I believed every thing he ever said to me, everything. He made me feel beautiful for the first time ever, he made me feel love. But I guess it wasn't true. He didn't show me who he was, I know that now. All he ever does now is lie to me. I mean, I even thought we were friends. Ha, what a lie. It hurts.

After Chris was eddy. Eddy wasn't the real thing. But I wanted so much to believe he was. I stayed with him for thirteen months. Thirteen. Now, I still woner why I stayed with him for so long. I found out at seven months that he cheated on me. I was the bigger person. I tried to make it work. He didn't stop with that girl. I still don't understand.

He asked me if I loved him recently. I said I loved who he once was. He used to care. Or at least he made me think he did. He asked me if I loved the person he once was, the one that listened to every detail I ever said. I agreed. He told me, it was only because he tried to reciprocate everything he felt from me. I innocently asked, "So reciprocating love means cheating on someone?" He told me he was sorry, that it was a mistake. He told me that he never meant to hurt me, that he'd do anything for me. He told me all those lies. Does he really expect me to believe him after all this time? I don't. I truly don't.

The only thing that he should know that I believe is that he didn't believe that anyone could ever be so loyal and so true. Obviously he couldn't. He cut me deep. He took a huge part of me. I really regret ever caring so much about him because he didn't. He didn't respect me in the least. It sucked. After him was when I decided I would never get married.

Tim came and went, he hurt me too. Guys always seem to cheat on me. Truly unfair. True, he was never my boyfriend, but I sacrificed so much for him only to find him going after my so-called friend. Nick helped me so much back then. He was a dear. Was. There's the keyword. In all honesty, he's just as bad as Tim, if not worse.

Nick, oh my dear Nick. I miss you. I miss who you were. At least Tim had the decency to tell me, it was over, he didn't want me. Nick never did. I took me so long to realize it. It's been three months since we've talked, so much longer, and yet shorter, than it really feels. Three months tomorrow, I still keep track. I still have that lingering what if? in the back of my mind.

There's so many people here on createBlog that I can list that are probably joyous at my pain, and they probably think that I'd feel the same. To tell the truth though, I'd never wish this sort of pain on anyone. Heartbreak, it's truly the worst.

Well, chem class is coming to an end and I really don't want to start crying right now, so here it ends. Until next time, diary, until next time.

Adieu.
-Me.

Is it right to quote? I read the whole thing, Miss Azarel. ..I wanted to say that the emotions you must have felt are probably so painful, I have only experienced to a certain degree.

It's a shame that nobody ever sees it; I'm a nice girl, but I can never fully open up to anyone. I'm still scared of the pain, especially after my first, Chris. He'll never know how much he hurt me. Never. I was so optimistic back then, I believed that we'd married and grow old together. He only fed the illusion. I believed every thing he ever said to me, everything. He made me feel beautiful for the first time ever, he made me feel love. But I guess it wasn't true. He didn't show me who he was, I know that now. All he ever does now is lie to me. I mean, I even thought we were friends. Ha, what a lie. It hurts.

This. This describes perfectly what I felt for three years in my life. You wrote it out, and thank you. I hope that your once broken heart will be mended very soon by someone true and loving and will never do you any wrong.

[heyyfrankie]

Dear Createblog Diary,

today was alright. somehow i hurt my wrist and it hurt alot yesterday but thankfully it felt SOOO much better today. in leadership we did nothing but bake potatos! yes, patotos! it was for some luncheon. then in tennis, we had to play doubles and i actually did good!! i was so proud of myself. but i never would of done so good without my partner. math went by really fast and ipc was kinda fun because we are learning about waves and we got to do a lab and it was fun... and cici and taylor started going out and i hope this doesn't start anymore stuff because i really it want to be over with! and i just applied to become part of the people staff because i think i would be really good at it! i hope i make it!

--Frankie

[KELLYYY]

Ahh. This topic is getting too long.

Dear cB diary,
Hey. I just had the best dream last night. Wow he was cute. I swear I saw him at our school before. Well, anyways, I hope that dream comes true or at least let a cute guy ask me out. Sigh.

With all my heart,
Kelly. <3

[to-devastate]

Dear cB diary,
I hope he realizes that I love him. Friday, not today, is his birthday. I'm just going to give him $5 and a stupid card. LOL. yes. im cheap. but im broke. I hope tomorrow he talks to me more. You don't know how crazy I miss talking to him. </3
- Drove crazy.

[*CrackedRearView*]

Dear Diary --

Can you please just make her disappear?

I'm leaving this rotten town in less than a month to a bigger, brighter one. One where the horizon line is tickled by the rising, falling waves, as opposed to rising, falling countryside.

But these messages -- these looks at school -- these pictures you send me -- these ties you continue to strengthen with me -- they're detrimental. They're eating me from the inside out.

I loved you. Keyword: loved. I thought surely one day you would be the girl I married, and the girl who's arms I would die in.

And you ruined it. You ruined it beyond what anyone around here thinks. They think they know -- they have absolutely no idea. Unfortunately, bright, bubbly homecoming queen loves tinkering with human emotional stability.

And because I keep distance from you, I'm a 'manipulative prick'.

Well -- what you're doing is killing this manipulative prick. It's ripping his heart out, and making him not want it back.

Signed,

A lost, confused person on the verge of running from it all.

[*mzkandi*]

Dear CB,
Everything is going great with me. I am still searching for a car but its all good. I never thought searching for a car would be this hard. School is going good even though I cant wait to get this semester over with. College is stress but I am enjoying it. I have a great best friend and love her more and more each day.

kiera

[Just_Dream]

There's so many people here on createBlog that I can list that are probably joyous at my pain, and they probably think that I'd feel the same. To tell the truth though, I'd never wish this sort of pain on anyone. Heartbreak, it's truly the worst.

I need to reply on this too. I've never been heartbroken, and the guy I'm with right now is my first love. And yet, I wish I had that feeling... I'll never fully understand the pain you went through, but if you ever need me, I'm here to talk to.


Dear createBlog Diary,

Am I wrong to yearn for something so many people condemned and avoided? Heartbreak--being that I'm with my first love, I've never been the one hurt. I was the one who ended my first two relationships. I was the one who didn't have an inkling of what love is nor did I feel any sorrow for those I've hurt.

I would be devastated if my boyfriend ever broke up with me, since we've been together for two years and four-months-going-on-five. He's someone that's given me love, hope, and happiness and shields me from the heartache that's others afflicted upon others. Despite what others might say or assume, I truly do love him with all my heart, no matter how many times he's hurt me or how many times I've hated him for something silly.

I'm a hopeless romantic, and the littlest things can either emotionally touch me or hurt me. I'm such a sensitive person, even though not many have seen me cry. I bottle anger and sorrow up and it always end up blowing up in my face.

I've watched one too many sappy romances on television and read one too many stories based on love. It was always "Girl loves boy. Boy loves girl. Girl and boy don't know that they love each other. Girl and boy are separated and find each other in the end" and live happily ever after or someone (or both) dies. That, or "Girl likes boy. Boy LOVES girl. Girl dates another guy and boy is devastated. Boy tries to prove to girl he loves her. In the end, girl falls in love with boy" and they live happily ever after or there's death. It's always like that.

I just want to have that experience, to know that I gave it my all and in the end, it turns out that I AM destined to be with my significant other. I want to KNOW that I went through so many experiences, heartaches, etc. just to be with that person. I want my little autumn fairytale. I want my prince that secretly loved me as I secretly loved him.

I feel so selfish, and yet, that's all that I really want in life. I believe in fate, and that there's always someone out there for everyone. Heartache... I've felt something close to that, and yet I'm so far away. I just want to experience it, even if it kills me. I just want to know, to know that I went through so much just for someone, someone that I'm destined to be with. I know I'll be risking something I cherish the most: his love.

My dear dear diary, if only love was as simple as a fairytale.

-Christina

[yukichan]

dear cB diary..
i find comfort in coming here..idk..it seems like everyone being silent is helping me..

sigh..the pain is getting unbearable..i regret saying what i did..i mean i still care about him a lot...but hes moved on...without me..my gosh..i hate myself for being so stupid..theres no one that understands me..

gosh..idk but i think im starting to run away from everyone again..i dont mean like in real life like running away from home, but like pushing everyone away from me..by doing this, im hurting myself even more...

i wish there was someone who would understand me..anyone..i need someone whos going to be there for me and help me..but sadly, i have no one..no one who cares, no one who understands, no one i can trust, no one who knows me well and doesnt hate me for the way i am..

i just want to stop time..i dont want the end of the year to come..hes going to move away to seattle soon..in about 2 months, hes going to be gone from my life...hes not going to come back..sure..he says hes going to come back, but even if he does hes going to forget about me..im simply going to become a memory to him..

i remember the long talks i had with him..the laughter he brought to me..the smiles we shared...the times he comforted me when no one else could..but ever since he moved on, theres nothing like that..nothing..sure we still talk to each other, but its different..its not the same..it never will be..

i cant tell him how much he means to me...i mean even if i did, he wouldnt care..he would say whatevers a walk away..i cant even tell him goodbye..i dont want to tell him goodbye..but i know i should...yet knowing that he wont be there to help me through just scares me..i sound really selfish, but i cant help it..i just dont want to c good bye and good luck..sigh..

on the other hand...kiley has been acting more normal...shes not really getting influenced by **..which is good..its going back to the old times..the times before things got screwed up...

idk what to do about ** though...i mean i want to be her friend but yet i know she hates me...well maybe not hate, but strongly dislike me..shes a really hard person to understand..one minute shes really nice and the next minute shes mad and mean..

like during reccess me and a couple of other ppl were talking about poems and she moves her eyes to tell someone else that we were copying her...i mean a lot of us write poems to express ourselves so how can she say we r copying her?its just not fair...

i also want to tell her to move on b/c shes just hurting herself but holding on to him...i mean i know what shes feeling but she shouldnt hold on and expect him to come back to her..i mean he was hurt really badly when she dumped him..and plus ***** was there to help him so she really should bug off....probably wont help even if ***** told her...

sigh..theres a lot of things happening right now..its hard to keep things in control..hope things get better soon..cause i cant take it much longer...
-a scared confused girl that wants to run from her problems..(Nancy)