a short story..., that i wrote. |
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 Apr 17 2004, 09:48 AM
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#26
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 PHIL ˝  Group: Member Posts: 2,663 Joined: Mar 2004 Member No: 6,982  |
wow its so sad
 man i can never think up ofanything like that
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Apr 17 2004, 11:03 AM
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#27
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 & Group: Member Posts: 26 Joined: Apr 2004 Member No: 12,131 |
wow. amazing short story. it`s sad but really, really, good. you should publish it in a book. lol
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Apr 17 2004, 05:50 PM
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#28
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 Member Group: Member Posts: 21 Joined: Mar 2004 Member No: 6,445 |
wow
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Apr 18 2004, 12:32 AM
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#29
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cb=bullshit. Group: Member Posts: 1,783 Joined: Feb 2004 Member No: 3,793 |
QUOTE(hair products @ Apr 17 2004, 3:23 AM) It's cool. You touch on a lot of aspects of what an individual would face, but took it from a perspective of someone who really does feel alone. I write a lot in the transition of stream of conciousness, which causes my grammar to be off. I didn't know if you were doing that or didn't care for correct punctuation. I enjoyed the ending sentence. It's a good close up. You're a wee bit repetitive with she. You made three quotes "nope, still the same" "you are not worth living for" "am i doing the right thing" The last one is what really caught me. I only wished you could've touched more on her thoughts instead of looking to the sky for visual perception of her pain. Then again I understand this is a short story. I like this sentence - once found, her hand slowly wrote next to her pale face, "You are not worth living for."... Overall: I give you 8 out of 10 tacos. Check out my site sometime if you enjoy reading as much as you do writing. My last story I wrote was the 2nd latest entry. It's not that good. Didn't really edit it and shit nope, i didn't really care about the punctuation and such... i was aware of it but i'm too lazy (really i am)... her thoughts weren't that important ... it's irrelevant... sorry... personally... i love the sky that's probably why i focused more on that, anyway... sorry if you didn't like it or whatever... but that was my first short story, so you might want to keep that in mind. |
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Apr 18 2004, 12:34 AM
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#30
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 Retired Member Group: Member Posts: 879 Joined: Feb 2004 Member No: 4,843 |
nice...
you have a good writing style there... keep it up! read many books! |
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Apr 18 2004, 02:09 AM
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#31
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cb=bullshit. Group: Member Posts: 1,783 Joined: Feb 2004 Member No: 3,793 |
I wrote another.. but in my opinion it isn't as good... but you guys can read it on my xanga: here. i decided not to post it on here so if you want to read it just go to my xanga... =]
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Apr 18 2004, 02:20 AM
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#32
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 :hammer: Group: Staff Alumni Posts: 9,849 Joined: Mar 2004 Member No: 7,700 |
another great story x_x makes me feel like i was there.. :D great job mel =)
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Apr 18 2004, 09:14 PM
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#33
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 SwE3TascANdIe Group: Member Posts: 33 Joined: Apr 2004 Member No: 12,817 |
um that was kinda weird. but its good.
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May 23 2004, 03:36 PM
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#34
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cb=bullshit. Group: Member Posts: 1,783 Joined: Feb 2004 Member No: 3,793 |
And so... since we have a writing forum now... I think this should be moved..
yep. |
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