createBlog Diary., Version 3. Options

[xTINAA]

Dear cB Diary,
I'm trying and getting no where, or so it seems. Am I really that big of a failure?
-Me.

[yellowgurl]

Dear CB diary,

I don't no what to do... I think I stopped liking him or something.... he doesnt even care... x(

I hate running btw.

-me

[*Azarel*]

Dear createBlog diary,

I find that I need to learn to live for myself. I'm really codependent, and I still wonder what I'd ever do if I had no one. It scares me. I couldn't ever do without these people.

If Nick ever wanted me back and I'd moved on, I wondered what I'd do. Or even if I didn't have someone, would I take him back? Could I openly welcome him back into my life? And I realized, no. I never could. I put my trust in him and he let me down. He utterly discarded me from his life, and I simply don't exist to him anymore.

I tell myself to move on, and I'm trying really hard to. It's difficult. I'm trying to remove him from my life, to keep him out of my life, but sometimes it's hard. I don't think about him much, if at all, but sometimes he just pops up, especially in the chatroom. And it's awkward. I suppose it's a good thing he never stays for long, but deep inside, I want him to stay, just so I can watch him. Not even to talk with him, just.. to watch.

Speaking of boys, I found out today that the only true way to any guy's heart is through his dick. It holds true for all the guys I've ever liked. They don't want me; they want my body. They don't want to have a relationship; they want to get laid. It pisses the hell out of me too.

So, the only true way to a guy's heart is through his dick. Ahaha. I saw the second ex today, without his fat girlfriend. I made a small comment and he lept at the opportunity. It was pathetic, really. He offered to come over to my house. I said I didn't care, but to be honest I'm not going to let him come over. He thinks that he can treat me like shit, cheat on me, and still get some? Bullshit. he should go back to his fatass whore.

I'm so not over him, which is really sad. even I know. I'm not over any of the guys. It seems that them being assholes to me just makes me want them even more. It doesn't make sense. It's not right. It's so wrong. I hate it. I don't even like Eddy anymore; I'm just jealous. How is that a lying, fat jerk like him gets a girlfriend before I find someone new? I'm loyal, I'm true. Boys just never seem to see that.

Both Chris and Eddy thought I cheated on them; I never did. I could never cheat on someone, I can't cope with guilt at all. I'm faithful to no end, but nobody seems to know. Guys assume the worst of me. They see the worst of me. They're blind to how I am. I'm one of the nice girls, underneath this cover. Sure, I find entertainment and amusement in being mean, but if you really get to know me, you know I'm not.

It's a shame that nobody ever sees it; I'm a nice girl, but I can never fully open up to anyone. I'm still scared of the pain, especially after my first, Chris. He'll never know how much he hurt me. Never. I was so optimistic back then, I believed that we'd married and grow old together. He only fed the illusion. I believed every thing he ever said to me, everything. He made me feel beautiful for the first time ever, he made me feel love. But I guess it wasn't true. He didn't show me who he was, I know that now. All he ever does now is lie to me. I mean, I even thought we were friends. Ha, what a lie. It hurts.

After Chris was eddy. Eddy wasn't the real thing. But I wanted so much to believe he was. I stayed with him for thirteen months. Thirteen. Now, I still woner why I stayed with him for so long. I found out at seven months that he cheated on me. I was the bigger person. I tried to make it work. He didn't stop with that girl. I still don't understand.

He asked me if I loved him recently. I said I loved who he once was. He used to care. Or at least he made me think he did. He asked me if I loved the person he once was, the one that listened to every detail I ever said. I agreed. He told me, it was only because he tried to reciprocate everything he felt from me. I innocently asked, "So reciprocating love means cheating on someone?" He told me he was sorry, that it was a mistake. He told me that he never meant to hurt me, that he'd do anything for me. He told me all those lies. Does he really expect me to believe him after all this time? I don't. I truly don't.

The only thing that he should know that I believe is that he didn't believe that anyone could ever be so loyal and so true. Obviously he couldn't. He cut me deep. He took a huge part of me. I really regret ever caring so much about him because he didn't. He didn't respect me in the least. It sucked. After him was when I decided I would never get married.

Tim came and went, he hurt me too. Guys always seem to cheat on me. Truly unfair. True, he was never my boyfriend, but I sacrificed so much for him only to find him going after my so-called friend. Nick helped me so much back then. He was a dear. Was. There's the keyword. In all honesty, he's just as bad as Tim, if not worse.

Nick, oh my dear Nick. I miss you. I miss who you were. At least Tim had the decency to tell me, it was over, he didn't want me. Nick never did. I took me so long to realize it. It's been three months since we've talked, so much longer, and yet shorter, than it really feels. Three months tomorrow, I still keep track. I still have that lingering what if? in the back of my mind.

There's so many people here on createBlog that I can list that are probably joyous at my pain, and they probably think that I'd feel the same. To tell the truth though, I'd never wish this sort of pain on anyone. Heartbreak, it's truly the worst.

Well, chem class is coming to an end and I really don't want to start crying right now, so here it ends. Until next time, diary, until next time.

Adieu.
-Me.

[Ington]

Dear CB diary.

Currently, I am having a major issue with people. As of a month into the school year, I have drifted farther and farther away from my friends. Thats not the problem though. The problem is that I don't care. I really don't. I don't know why I still call them me friends. In reality, they are just people I talk to. Just people.

I think I have a jealousy issue, but it's justified in a way. I care about people. I have this... imaginary list. On this list I have my friends, in the order that I think about them (most on the top; least on the bottom). I hate the fact that the people I think about the most only think of me as another person. I am not special. I am a nobody.

Another thing that bothers me is that I don't love anyone. I don't even remotely like anyone. I don't commit myself to anyone. And it feels awesome. The bad part? I need someone to be there for me. Someone to think of me the most. Someone to care. Also, I need someone to hold, because its friggin hard to get any action when the other person doesn't love you. As vain as it sounds, its true.

Meh. Homework time.

....f**k.
- Ariel the Great Almighty Ruler of All.

[to-devastate]

Dear cB diary,
;; to her.
Hahahaa. Don't ever hurt my friend. He's utterly annoyed at you. So puahaha. He's mine. I only try to make nice with you; but you just have this annoying power. haha. today was an awfully nice day. i heart you my evil ducky.<3

[lovescream]

Dear cb diary,
it's nice to know I'll be missed at school. Not like half of the people ever cared. Only my friends. And a few teachers.
Argh, I only have a few days left. =( I don't want this big change, i don't want to go. I love my home here. *sniff* dontttt forgettttt meee...
Ah, I had a weird dream. I wish it came true.
hmm.. it was about.. yeah. I died. Because I got lung cancer and breast cancer.
Well, I heard from Sarah that in NJ + Las vegas the air is bad so more people get cancer. Weee.. =) My mom smokes, I live in a place where people die of cancer easily, I'm moving to another place with drunk morons and drugged smokers. Yeah, and I'm thinking I wont get lung cancer? Psh. I'm surrounded by bad air. >.<
Well, I'm sleepy. I did something stupid. haha.. i took a little nap at my computer desk. =) oh, well. tomorrow's testing again. i'm gonna.. go sleep.. not now, but later. I hope I have a good day tomorrow. I'm stuck with Anthony and Josh on my gymnastics team. whoop-dee-doo. i like anthony and i'm ALWAYS stuck with him. What's up with that? Especially.. me.. embarassing myself in front of him. oh well.
screw you aaron, phil, and steven t. yes. screw yourself. i hate you, kthnx.

-Toby.

[ichiban]

Dear CB,
WHY DO I HAVE THE MOST UNREASONABLE MOM IN THE WORLD? I'm SERIOUS, she won't let me go to COSTA RICA next year just because of some ultra stupid reason. She was like, I WATCHED MOVIES ABOUT COSTA RICA AND IT ALWAYS SHOWED DRUG DEALERS AND BAD PEOPLE SO YOU CAN'T GO! Wtf. Yeah, that doesn't even make sense, because I really doubt I'm gonna go buy drugs and be kidnapped by 'bad people' when I'm in a huge group with a teacher. Riiight. I was reading people's xanga entries about their trip to costa rica, and gosh, they seemed like .. crazyass fun. I'm serious. rafting, swimming, hiking on volcanos, waterfalls, EVERYTHING. how can I NOT GO?! There's like, no possible way I can get my mom to let me because she's so freaking stubborn. she just wants me to suffer at home during springg break while everyone's at CR.

I HATE THIS.

[*Azarel*]

Dear createBlog Diary,

He called me when I got home. He wanted to come over. But honestly, I didn't want him to. I told him no. He asked why not. I even had to remind him that he had a girlfriend now. He asked, "So?" Well, I told him that I know how it feels to be cheated on. And it's true, I do. He should know. He was the one that blatantly cheated on me, that I found out, that I roughed it with for six more months before giving up. I hung up on him. I still want to piss Joy off though. I shouldn't be this cruel. I shouldn't be this vengeful. It's not right, you know. It's just not right.

On another note, I come on too strong. I don't even know if these feelings are genuine. I can only wait as time tells.

-Me.

[sweetxsimplicity]

Dear createBlog Diary,
I'm going to Reno for the weekend, I'm so excited, I've always wanted to go skiing, or even just be in snow, this is going to be such a new experience for me. Haha, I sound so retarded. =x

[xenosaga]

Dear CB Diary,

i've been struggling and stressing alot in school lately! i had an assignment we had to do, which was making a 50 page front and back story we had to create! no!

[yukichan]

dear cB diary..
I'm officially into my last quarter for the school year...hurray!i didnt get my grades from 3rd quarter yet..i think i did ok..i got a A in math, social studies, science for sure..idk about BPA, english and P.E..I think I did ok in all of them..Hope I get straight A's this time..

Sigh..To think about things, ever since he came I've always been thinking about him..This rarely happens..He's been on my mind since october..I know he's popular so I wont get anywhere with him...But idk..Every moment I spend with him, is exciting..Even though he doesnt understand english that well, it seems like I know him really well..I'm glad he's going Kaiser...I hope we have the same classes togethor..Maybe I can help him at Kaiser too..

Sigh..shes i guess acting as nice as she can..I can't believe what ***** did..I guess I didnt know her that well..I dont know who to trust, who's right..Seriously..I'm starting to doubt all this..I hate feeling so unsure about all this..

Today was kind of a funny day..After school, I started to laugh un-controllably..it was so funny..Everything seemed funny..Its been a long time since I laughed like that..I guess that was good..It felt so good..Something I havent felt for a while..I laughed so hard that my throat is sore..lol..

Had testing too..It wasnt that bad..reading isnt that hard..The writing part was more harder..I hope i do good..I dont want to be in the slow english class next year..

Sigh..My parents are being so strict..I didnt deserve to be yelled..They had no right, especially my dad to tell me to forget my past..what happened to me, didnt happen to them, so they dont know what its like..my past changed me..in a way that took my childhood away..damnit..they need to c that..

hmm for the summer i want to be a junior leader again..but i have summer school this year..maybe i can do both..i want to go kaimuki summer school instead of kalani..i want to c my old friends..its been about 5 years since i moved..but i havent forgot about them..they will always be in my heart..

Good Night everyone
<3 Nancy

[*Azarel*]

Dear createBlog diary,
This reminds me of old times, when I used to wake up way early just to listen to Nick's voice before I got ready for school in the morning. I miss that boy sometimes. I need to convince myself though, I'm done with him.

On another note, he's really a dear. I can't help but smile.
-Me.

[soulless727]

Dear cB Diary:

Went over to lindsays the other day and I think I got her mad at me. She had invited me to go on a bike ride with her and Jill So I decided to come along. After the bike ride we went over to her house and just hung out in the garage and played hop scotch on 135 squares (thats so much fun!). Her little brother, Matt, was there as well and he was playing outside with his mini football and he kept throwing it in the garage. Lindsay said if he hit Dad's Car with it then he can't play anymore because she was annoyed be him. So as a little 7 year old, he hit it accidently and she took the ball from him and then just held it with both her arms as Matt tried grabbing it. She then put it just barely inside the bottom of her shirt and then Matt went inside (To tell?). And while he was inside She hid the ball in a bucket and he came out asking me where she put it. I didn't want to be mean to Matt but I didn't want to make Lindsay mad (this gets ironic). So I told Matt, 'Umm....I don't know....I think it's still in Lindsay's Shirt.' So yeah....Matt is only seven.....and he thought something in her shirt was his football and grabbed it...so yeah....that wasn't his football...I tried to chear her up by telling her she may have been violated by her little brother but he complimented what she calls a 'flat chest.'

I don't see why it matters so much, Alix is the same way except shes actualy made fun of it. The other week at Lindsays Party, Becca and Annie started to make fun of Alix after Alix has said Annie was short and they went on and on making fun of her. Alix went up to Lindsay's room and so did everyone but Annie and Becca and they all laid on the bed. And I could see Alix's eyes watering up...that made me sad, so I went to talk to Annie and Becca about it and asked them to stop the jokes, they kind of just laughed at me in a friendly way. I talked to Alix about it the next day and she just told me that you can only laugh along with them so much. I began to get mad at Annie and Becca for it...It's not that I can't take jokes but some things go way to far...

Like at Becca's party....Alix showed up after the school dance was over. Becca's mom has ordered pizza so we ate that and while I was talking to Nick in the kitchen I heard Alix tell someone to stop in the dinning room, so I went to go check it out. Turned out that Xavier, Kyle, and Peter were tickling her for fun but then it crossed the line and she had been pushed to the floor being tickled. I told them to get off her and they declined subliminaly....they were so wrapped up in tickling her that they didn't even hear me or her cries to stop. So I went in and pulled them off. It was sickening...looking at their faces while trying to pull them off.....they didn't even realize I was there....they were smiling with their gaping mouthes....It made me hate them...hate them for hurting the person I love...I don't know how I was able to pull them off....I know my looks look decieving and I'm stronger than I look but that was a lot more strength than what I normaly have...maybe it was because I was enraged that they were hurting her...? You should've heard her.....on the floor crying....and no one had answered...I hate those immature b_stards...They are of the little boy's mindset still, that if they make the person the like mad at them, they'll get hit back and that is the best thing in the world....morons....It was so obvious she wasn't messing around with them and having fun like they were....they were so wrapped up in it...How far would it have gone if I hadn't come in? I mustn't give myself too much credit....It wouldn't have gone very much further...I couldn't even stand looking at those three the rest of the night...and I just stood in the corners...thinking....hating....and staying quite....I didn't want to lose my cool.....I came close to it...but I prevailed.

As Alix was leaving, she showed me all the rings she got at the dance and told me who she had 'married.' I became jealous...I would've been mad if I didn't love her so much...Her original date to the dance had been sick that day and she was asking everyone in English to go...She knows How I feel, and she sits right next to me....I was hoping she'd ask me...but she didn't and I was too sad about that to ask her myself. So many things I do for her and they're just forgotten. Everytime I find out another person likes me, it crushes me...to know that there are so many who like me...and she is not one....and I just fall asleep at night debating, 'Why?'

I was watching Forrest Gump last night...That almost made me cry just watching it...I'm not usualy the type to cry while watching movies but I kept thinking that I was Forrest, because I'd just run away from my problems and Jenny was Alix and she just told me to run and I'd do it...I'd do whatever she told me to do...And then When they were on the bridge and he told her he loves her, she said he couldn't love her...he doesn't know what love is....that's the same thing she told me...it breaks your heart....to be told that you cannot love...My eyes are getting blurry....She said we are in Middle School....We can't love, we don't know what love is...Maybe I'm full of myself for thinking this...But I seriously think I'm more mature than most middle schoolers....I don't have those 2 week relationships...I've still never had a girlfriend...never kissed a girl....That can't be love what they are feeling....that is lust.....And if I don't love her...then it has been lust for the past year and a half that I've been feeling everyday.....I hate being put into those stereotypes....Middle Schoolers can't know what love is...Boys are perverts...there are so many...and I'm being judged by them...I'm tired of being judged based on my peers actions...I'm tired of watching...watching everyone in my school have their 2 week relationships...watching her...being seduced by lust...her countless relationships...It's breaking the heart that I don't Have...Why do I need my heart...I wish it would just go away....to the farthest corner in the world...Then maybe I won't wake up everyday to see her...see her beautiful face....her pristine personality....I stood on the sidelines for so long....a year....and Now that I've told her it seems to have distanced us even more...I try to change that...but to no prevail...

I'm so lost right now....Where is my guide?

If I cannot love her...then who do I love?

Why can't I love?

I'm wishing for something that will never become reality...

- 12ace

>Edit< wow....thats more than I expected to write about myself.....its still all there though read on if you want to be bored with another tragic life story.

[ohBrian]

DEAR CBD!!

I WOKE UP TODAY EXACTLY AT 7AM DOH BECAUSE I HAD MY ALARM SETUP AT THAT TIME!

THEN I SUDDENYL I HAD A STOMACH ACHE, AND I REMEMBER EATING LASANGA WITH HOTSAUCE!! OOO NOT A GOOD COMBINATION! AND SO I WAS ABOUT TO GO TO SCHOOL, I JUST COULDNT TAKE THE ACHING... SO I WENT BACK HOME!!

[to-devastate]

Dear cB diary,
I don't get what the f**k you want me to do. I mean you say you care; when I tell you stuff. But then you act like you don't give a crap about what I'm feeling. You say the most bullshit. And I'm such a fool to believe you. I'm really beginning to see another side of you. I know you don't mean to hurt me. But honey, you just do. How can I have a best friend who acts like she's bullshitting with me. When you say shit to me, please mean it.
-Hurted me.

[*tweeak*]

cb is the only website that works right now. wierdest f**king thing ever

also incredibly strange is that while my internet was down entirely, i could still download music.

[yukichan]

dear cb..
im glad arina is there for me..mwah.. thanx for being there for me..thanx for being supportive..thanx for being a great friend..

today i had testing..it was ok..so boring..o well..

me and ***** arent going to go farther with this friendship..but thats ok..im starting to accept it..im not mad or anything about it..i guess she went through something similar as me..im hoping things get better..or at least stay this way..

i still dont want to say good bye to ed**** ..i miss the nights where u would aim me and we would talk for hours..i miss the times where u would listen to what i said..i miss the times where u were there for me when i needed u..but the thing i miss the most is watching u..well i still do, but its different..sigh...

i wonder if anyone from niu valley is here..well other than renee..i dont hate her or anything..its just shes been acting meanly..what she said to arina was really mean..the weird thing is nomally i would feel hurt, but i dont..i guess im adapting to this harsh society..lol..

even when im feeling hurt, i hide it..im weird..i dont show my emotions that much..i hide it..well i did hid my relationship with ***ar..so i guess thats how i changed...man, i changed a lot this year..its scary..im never going to be myself again..i guess thats part of growing up..

linkin park rules...they r so good..i love the songs numb and in the end..so good...lol..im talking about random stuff now..

sigh..when ms. nagai talked about washington middle, it made me think about my old friends..it almost made me cry..gosh..what is wrong with me?i so want to visit them..i want to talk to them..i want to spend time with them..i want them to be part of my life again..i miss them..sigh..

ok well thats about it for today..
<3 Nancy..

[soulless727]

Dear cB Diary:

Lindsay and Alix came over yesterday and we were all going to scrapbook because my mom wanted to do that with them sometime but Alix left hers at her grandma's house and lindsay didn't want to do anything without her so we just hung out for about an hour. That was the highlight of my day...the rest of my day I just sat around doing nothing...

-12ace

[*Azarel*]

Dear createBlog diary,
He's really a dear. I don't mind waking up early for him to talk for a few minutes. He's sweet. And he's not an a-hole like Nick. Nick seemingly hated to respond to me on the phone early mornings, even though it was already nine in New York. But he isn't Nick. I shouldn't compare guys. And I wonder why I even bother avoiding to say his name. Everyone knows, I know, he should be able to tell. Francis is a dear, I like him a lot. He makes me smile and feel giddy.
-Me.

[*paul murphy*]

Dear Cb Diary
I think diaries r kinda gay... anyway i'm bored and startin 2 get even more bored! How 2 stop! ! ! ! Crazyjew thinks she's gettin on m nerves but she's not. I find her really funny *no sarcasim involved* and love arguing with her. it is the only interesting thing that i do all day!

[*Weird addiction*]

Dear Cb Diary
I think diaries r kinda gay... anyway i'm bored   and startin 2 get even more bored! How 2 stop! ! ! ! Crazyjew thinks she's gettin on m nerves but she's not. I find her really funny *no sarcasim involved* and love arguing with her. it is the only interesting thing that i do all day!

LMFAOOO

Dear diary,

I miss my bestfriend

[*jooleeah*]

Dear Diary,
Spring break's almost over. It really does suck knowing that i'll have to see all the shitfaced liars at school in a couple of days. Oh well, I'll deal.

Blah. I want summer.

[heyyfrankie]

Dear Createblog Diary,

i am so excited because report cards come out next week and i know that i did good this six weeks. well, alot better than last six weeks!
i didn't get to go to mr. mhs last night because i had to go to nemo on ice! it was so good. i loved how they did all the fish and stuff like that. i really enjoyed it and i am pretty sure that nicolas did, too.
i have been having so much lately and i love all of my friends, especially in 4th period. all we did today was laugh and it has been awesome! i acutally got a massive headache because i was laughing so hard!
i am excited that summer is coming up but i am kinda sad because i know that i won't see everyone i know until next year but at least i will get to see them again.
step tryouts are going to be next year and i really hope that i make it. i know that i don't have that big of a chance because so many other people are going to try out but at least i will of tried.

--Frankie

[inthemudhole]

I'm worried about Joe again.

It's weird.
I can go from an extremely high and great point in my life where I'm happy and nothing can stop me, to an extremely low and unbearable point in my life where I just want to die. I can do that within a 30 minute time span.

Um...16 days until the concert.
Sigh. I'm so excited for it still, but I don't know...Something's just missing from me to the point where I almost don't even care about the biggest event in my life thus far.

It's finally Friday. I'm glad. I don't care if my weekend is boring. It's one hundred times better than school. This week absolutely sucked. It sucked some major ass.

Joe's gone for the weekend. God, he departed with our last conversation sucking majorly.

I still love him.

I'm always ready to die, but you're killing me,

Brie

[*Azarel*]

Dear createBlog diary,

I'm talking to Vincent Woo (akane here on cB) of all people, and it's rather.. strange I suppose. He may perhaps be the only one that realizes to some extent how much I-- I don't even know. It's just strangely comforting. He doesn't know how much it means. But oh well, he's Vincent. He understands. I know he's human.

And here Kenny is bitching at me because I urged him to ask Krystal to prom, and she already had a date. I honestly can't do much more than apologize, which I already have done. He just doesn't know. The poor, clueless infidel. Oh, but I love him, he's a dear. There are just some times when I can't stand him, but he is hilarious. Ehh. Maybe I'll edit this post more a little later, but at this point and time, I'm on the verge of tears. k.

-Me