With this knife, Written in english Options

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This is something I wrote in english, it's an alright piece I suppose, for something I had to write in a half hour with... really.... really... loud people, so for something with really little concentration its alright. Plz critique

With This Knife

With this knife, in which we hold
A blade so dull, rust it bears
Let me die, in this war
For I know, that to this world
I am none, but the sound
Coming from, a candle dying
And when consumed, by the world
So shall to, go my life
Into black, this dark abyss
One succumbs, in front of me
A soldier fallen, once again
here he lay, one more man
here one lay, no one knew
Upon his face, one could see
That he had smiled
Glad to see, the end had come
He had waited, long enough
For this life, to one day end
So that he, one man could
Leave this place, in which we die
For those who live, have nothing left
But to die, once again
Within themselves, within this world
Give to me, this blood stained cup
Which I see from where I stand
End this strife, for me now
I do not, want to die
In a world, that wants to live

[potmonkeyjd]

I'm pretty impressed. I love the visuals and with your permission would like to post it on my Xanga, Did i mention the imagery was great?! Keep them coming would love to read more in the future!

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I have others around if you'd like to look around haha. Uhm yea go for it, you can post it on your xanga. Gets me exposure as well, but yes, i quite enjoy your stuff as well.

[*stephinika*]

i agree...the imagery is wonderful. well done for written in class. as i like to do...haha i quite liked it though. keep up the awesome work bud.

[inthemudhole]

Coming from, a candle dying
And when consumed, by the world
So shall to, go my life
Into black, this dark abyss
One succumbs, in front of me
A soldier fallen, once again
here he lay, one more man
here one lay, no one knew

I loved the above part.

Very nice work overall!

Yeah, it definitely painted a picture in my mind.