createBlog Diary., Version 3. Options

[nhj_2006]

dear cb diary.

oh goodness, 730 in the morning and im at school, so bored. my teacher apparently has something else to do so the whole pd is free. BOOORED. i have a math test tomorrow which im pretty worried about. i got a 84 on last week's math test. first B in like 2 years for a math test. didnt study. i have a 3 day weekend this week hopefully i dont get much work. goin to the eye doctor this sat to get my eyes check, i know my power has gone up a lot, cuz i cant see much anymore. i noe mom wont be too happy, we'll see. i am so hungry, crave for some msian food right now. mm things doesnt feel much the same w/ him. but we'll work it out. anyway, have a good day.

[Nicolatofu]

Dear cb Diary,

I got an 89% on my Algebra 3 quiz! That is soo awesome. I'm tryin to burn 25 minutes before I leave for school...I wish it would get warm already, I hate this stupid cold weather! One project after another....Lifeskills used to be one of my favorite classes, but now I hate that class for some reason. All the people in it are so annoying! Summer, please come soon and take me from my misery!

xoxo Nicole

[someflipguy]

Dear CB diary,

There nothing better than a beautiful day outside with no clouds in site, and spending time with your loved one. Hopefully when my girl gets back from Utah we will have one of those days. Can you just imagine one of those days that you and your special someone is in a park just laying there looking up into the sky and enjoying each others company and having one of those memorable conversations. Walking around with the breeze in your face, then you look at hers and you just fall into something special with her. You just want to fall madly for whatever she/he does.

I am learning to cope with not being with my girl. Its been over a week and it feels okay that we are not seeing each other every moment of the day. Its not like we don't talk to each other ever day, but the conversations are not like every hour like they use to be. Maybe we are running out of things to say but, thats okay cus when we see each other next week its going to be amazing. I imagine those romantic movie type of things. When she sees you from a far and runs towards you and jumps into your arms and you guys just kiss and hug for a couple of minutes. I know its not like we havent seen each other in years but, two weeks seems like years to me. I just can't wait, I am greatful for having such a great girl.

-Ryan

[korbana05]

dear CB diary...

Yesterday was sooo awesome. I wish i could keep that memory in my head forever. The senior class went to Medieval times and yah there were so many cute knights... we were supporting the green knight although he lost and wasnt cute. lol... me and nikita were also supporting the red and yellow knight which was the sexiest of them all... he kinda looked like orlando bloom but way sexier. We ate this chicken dinner with our hands and yah that was fun... and yummeh >.< ooh... and rex went up to the king guy and asked if he was king arthur... he just stared at rex and asked if he was an idiot and if he was on medication... rex was so shocked so then he was like... atleast i have hair lol... that was pretty funny... AAH!! and i was picked as the queen of love and beauty from our knight... but it was cus rex said to stand up and i was like... ok? and so im standing up cheering for our knight and he trots up to me on his horse and points this huge stick thing at me... and so i just stare at him confused and finally my friend told me to take the banner at the end of it... it was so funny.

today was okay... i didnt get to see a certain person at church yesterday. That really would have highlighted my day. Lately Senioritis has struck me too hard... i never do my homework anymore... and im just so tired. bleh... i want to change my habit before i go to college... aack!! in like 50 something more days itll be graduation day... and in 5 months ill be in a college class!! im too excited!! *sigh*
time goes by way too fast.

-aNNa

[heyyfrankie]

Dear Createblog Diary,

school was great today! i was so full of energy! and lunch was fun for some odd reason. we just laughed all the way through! there was this one girl who we were being evil to and were saying she was a terrorist because she was whispering about us and pointing to us and was talking about us to her friend. and then her friend was snarling at me! i was like, "whatever! " it was mean because they were middle eastern!
and my mom got home like 10 minutes ago and she is sick! she said that she had been getting sick at work and had thrown up! i feel so bad for her! i wish there was more i could do!
i have to babysit my brat of a cousin tonight while my grands, aunt and parents go to some thing and learn about something that i have no knowledge about. -_-"
i am feeling so alive right now in my life! i it!

--Frankie

[*tweeak*]

dear cb diary,

it took a great deal of bitching at multiple people, but things are basically where i want them for the time being. or close enough, i guess...

[*stephinika*]

dear cb diary..

i don't know what to think anymore. such a rollercoaster of emotions lately...hm. i think i just found some writing inspiration....we'll see.

[*Azarel*]

Dear createBlog diary,

I.. can't find words to describe how I feel anymore. I need inspiration to strike me, I wish I could write my emotions down. But it's so difficult.

I hate that people try to be me. As flattering as it should be, I hate that people imitate me, emulate me, try to be me. Can't you be original? Can't you fucking be your own person?

I still can't move on.

-Me.

[*salcha*]

Dear createBlog diary,

I need a determination. an inspiration. for anything...I can't seem to see why I would want to laugh or live anymore. High school life seems so different, always thinking and missing my friends and old ones.

Maybe if I hurt enough, I wouldn't have to hurt anymore.

I was in class today when the memories came pouring back out.
-Standing up on the bleachers of the locker room and playing extreme dodgeball in the locker room
-Gossiping about our teachers
-Making fun of each other
-the memorable East Coast Trip where we bonded so much, it was too emotional. when we started crying and praying...
-when my grandma passed away and went back to taiwan, when i came back, my friends had notes and small gifts inside my locker
-my birthday when they got me my favorite color balloons and sang happy birthday to me in class
-sleepovers with extreme pillowfights with the disco lights going on and off...
-the mall, movies, popcorn, candy...

There's so much more, but it hurts too much to write.
I don't think I'll ever be able to adjust. I'm not used to it. People talking about me behind their backs because I'm different. being left...friend-less.

where are you, God? can you hear me? or am I alone?

[*stephinika*]

dear cb diary:

i'm back again so soon, i know. i'm in my computers class and once again done ahead of time therefore i am on here...and i can't think of anywhere else to post at the moment. currently listening to my new jennifer lopez cd too...oh yeah and my mom got the kelly clarkson tickets today. sweet. may 29...should be fun. i'm excited. got pretty decent seats too...row 8! but yeah...i'm feeling better. tonight should be fun...the girls are going out for dinner then we're going to the benefit concert thing at our school. should be fuuun...another excuse to dress up, since i haven't for a long time. i'm actually wearing makeup for the first time in a long time.
but anyways...still...confused yet not. from the discussion in christian ed. today i realize that yeah, you just can't know for sure anything. all you can do is hope, assume...i guess we'll see. i know how things will turn out because i know myself enough to know what i'm going to do or not going to do but whatever.
i still have like...half an hour of class. blah.

[to-devastate]

Dear CB Diary,

Even though my crush doesn't like me the way I do with him, I still feel like he's just hiding it. Today he was staring at me. I was like. O_o. But I tried to glance away. I can't fall deep into his eyes again. That would make me fall into even more love. I hope I get over him soon. He's driving me nuts.
- Crazed Person xP

[heyyfrankie]

Dear Createblog Diary,

whoa. i was barely on yesterday! it feels so good to be back!
today i slept in late then got up. i then had to go to a friend's house to work on slash finish our science project. it was extremely easy! i didn't know it was going to be that easy! xP i loved it!
tonight i have to go to some dinner with A LOT of people for the papus thing. it will probably be very boring!
i miss cici! she hasn't been here for a long time! well, only for like 3 days. but i want her to come back home!
i don't know what i am doing tomorrow but i just want to chill.
my tennis racket finally got fixed and i have a game on monday.
i am trying to find god again. i had him but now i am ignoring him. i want him to be with me. =/

--Frankie

[xXirockhardXx]

Dear CreateBlog diary,

I just came back from my friends house. Her party was yesterday. It was prety cool, i wassent planing on sleeping over but then i decided that i would. We where watching the movie the excorcist(sp?) but the begining one. It was ok but kinda lame.

I missed school yesterday cuz i ditched. lol. My mom got pist when she found out. But i was like w.e first time i missed. But now i regret it cuz they measured us (well not me but the 8th graders) for our gowns. And i wasent there so that really sucks. My friends told me it was raining hard when they where at school. But i was like wtf??I wa sat home and it didnt even seem like it was raining that much but w.e what should i know i wasent outside i was stuck on my computer. lol. Ok so i dont really know what else to say except that i hate that the guy that i like is going out with a girl. But w.e him and that girl (that is my friend but she dosent know that i like him) make a cute couple. I hope i get over him. Well got to go.

xoxo,

me <3

[miss barnes]

Dear CB diary

hella drama today. oh well, they can say whatever. why would i just make up some shit about them two? i dont have to time for the childish ass bullshit

[Looow]

Dera CB Diary,
Oh my, I'm very VERY stressed out.

[Nicolatofu]

Dear Createblog Diary,

Martha Stewart is EVERYWHERE. Bah. Yesterday was soo tiring. I had to wash the car, pull weeds, give lilly and gidget a bath, then we went on a drive in the country. Soo pretty! Then someone kept me up half the night on the phone! So I really am not looking foward to going to school today. dang well i just forgot I had english homework due today... oops!

<3Nicole

[*tweeak*]

dear cb diary,

i love completely pointless off days. and i am exceptionally proud of the vexel im nearly done with. it makes me happy, because its actually turing out well. tis very unusual for me to like something i made. i guess i should be studying, but i dont want to. i want to watch garden state, but that would involve going downstairs and paying for it, which i could actually do guilt free, seeing as i bought my dad a game for his cell yesterday and didnt ask or tell him. oh well. i feel like im missing something, but its probably just that nagging lack of social life again. i dont know why i cant just call people, but i think i probably have a lot of social disorders that are the cause. i dont know. however, i feel bad because i couldnt go with alicia to see costello last night. she always wants to do stuff when im busy, so i probably seem really unreliable. its just that the timing is bad. it typically interferes with band. or being at my dadas house, where i would rather not be to being with. uck. hthat was a lot longer than i intended it to be

[*AngelicEyz00*]

Dear CB Diary,

I really liked him, eventhough he could be hazardous to... well, me. Gloria doesn't like him and she said he's an a-hole--your typical guy. It's probably true. I've quickly learned he's pretty laid back; doesn't take anything to heart; he could care less about a lot of stuff; he's straight out when he speaks. For some reason I'm still attracted to him. Maybe it's only because of friday night that I still wanna hold onto him. I mean, I had fun--i haven't done any of that for... well, a long long time. But perhaps that's all I want.... all I want is to have some fun. Could something serious really develop fromthis, or is it just a quick fling? Well, thanks to my parents I'll never know. I myself don't care if he is 6 years older than me, but my parents do. Err. I hate this.

<3 Elba

[miss barnes]

Dear CB diary

my cousin got killed friday night. i'm feeling weird. despite all this, today was a good day at school.

back to the main subject...my cousin kevin. he was in the passengar seat of a car w/ 3 friends (2 boys and 1 girl). they all got killed. supposedly they hit a tree. they say kevin was the 1st to die and that the dude driving got thrown out of the car and maybe was still living but died while the ambulance was on the way. my cousin's the only one whose body is messed up. his mama says that a chunk of his face is missing and that he was in the fetal position like he saw the tree and was bracing for the impact or maybe sleep. he died upon impact. so the funeral is going to be closed casket but, the wake will be open. i wonder why my cousin was the only one who got messed up like that?

shit like this makes me wonder.....about life in general...he was only 20

reekah

[Flaunted]

dear CB diary,

its going to be 4 months exactly on March 17, since my relatives have came to america, and simply all the words i want to express is: I WANT THEM OUT OF MY HOUSE.

i am seriously going to beat my cousin to the pulp unless he gets his act right.
omg this is giving me more stress then ever before.

[*jooleeah*]

Dear cb diary,

Mr.Madajewski won't email back. I am completely stressed and have no idea what to do now. I have sucha messed up schedule. I won't be done being stressed until everything is straightened out. I'll give it a month.

Wth do cramps hurt so much? -_-"

-julia

[starlette]

Dear cB diary

Ah yes. Just made a trip to bankone. Those people are morons. They are hassling me for my money. so much wasted frustation.

And I fear I've lost my taste for my new hobby. I suppose I'm just sick of people being so damn judgemental. I always stand up for others, and then people attack me.I hate being a target. Sometimes I wish I could go into my room and stay for a few weeks, and come out and see if anyone even noticed. Its okay though. I'll get over it. Just one of those days, ya know?

And I'm sick of people who think they are above me and that give them the right to judge me. Ah. People who judge really bug me. They are everywhere. In my family, my friends...even online. Its sad. But hey. People will be people.

On the brighter side, and I mean brighter side, its a lovely day outside. One of the lovier days we've had lately. Damn dallas weather. Always so tempermental. Rainy rainy sunny humid rainy wet cold rainy. All in one day. But its days like this that make me truly grateful to live where I live. things could be worse. Yeah they could be better. But they could be worse. Nonetheless...

thanks for listening. It really helps sometimes. Maybe no more judging today?

~*danelle*~

[heyyfrankie]

Dear Createblog Diary,

Today, i had the worst headace! it wasn't even a headache, it was a effing migraine! my h urt throbbed all day!
and to make matters worse, i had a match today. i sucked! i was so much better than the person that i was playing and i totally sucked! i missed almost all of my shots and all the ones that i did hit didn't go where i wanted to go and i just didn't do good. after i finally lost, i was just ready to go home because i my head was, of course, throbbing and i didn't feel good but coach was like, you are going to be playing doubles. i didn't even get that much time to rest. i only got like 2 minutes! i lost that one too really bad. and the people that i was playing against were talking about me in their native tongue. the least they could do is talk about me in english.

--Frankie

[*stephinika*]

dear cb diary...

my lolo died today. r.i.p....i was supposed to see him in like 2 weeks too (he lives in los angeles and i'm going there sometime in spring break)...

[*Azarel*]

After days of just yearning for something to write about, I've got it. Inspiration has struck I suppose, if you want to call it that. But along with it is a flood of emotion, mostly anger. It's mostly gone though, I'm only seething now. It'll be simple, not eloquent at all. But hey, it's an update. A real one, anyways. Not that any of you care about something that's pure emotion. This is mostly for me because none of you seem to care anyways. Don't give me pity or try to convince me otherwise; I believe what I want and you won't change that, no matter how hard you try.

It's always been hell around this house. You've all heard me whine, cry, bitch, and moan about how much it sucks here. But recently it's become just unbearable. I'm always the one to blame. I'm always the one that's in trouble. I'm always the one to get yelled at. And I've learned by now that it's not fair. I try not to have anything to do with my family; after all, that's why I'm always either locked up in my room or on the computer, ignoring the rest of my family. What kind of bullshit is this, anyways?

You've all heard this line too. I'm never going to have kids. Ever. I doubt any of you actually believe me though. But I'm serious. I hate kids. They're adorable to deal with for an hour, maybe two, max. But to live with them, to have to look after and care for them every single day of the week, it really drives you crazy.

My sister went into my room. Again. I've yelled at her more than just a couple times to stay out of there, but does she listen? Of course not. I lock my room when I'm not home, but when I am home, it's unlocked. After all, she knows that she's not supposed to go in. Even though I'm just ten feet down the hallway, does she care? No. I yelled at her already today for going into my room. My wallet was open. Things were missing from both my desk and my closet. Everything was a mess. I found her and told her to stay out of my room. She refused to listen, so I went downstairs and threatened to do the same to her room. She started screaming and crying and basically throwing a huge fit.

It's just not fair that I was the one that got yelled at. My mom knows how horrible my sister is; she steals from my mother's room all the time. So why was I the one that was blamed? My sister was asking for it. She deserved it. My mom started screaming at me. She pulled my hair. She hit me. And I couldn't do a damn thing. That's how I was raised. Never disrespect your parents. It's not right. I tried to explain it wasn't my fault; mum wouldn't listen. She never does. It's never my fault and she knows it; she just needs someone to abuse, to take her anger out on. I hate that it's always me.

Just ten minutes ago, I was in the bathroom brushing my teeth. I came out and saw my sister running out of my room with the cat. I lost it. I completely lost it. I went after her, trying to take the cat away because that's what makes her cry and scream the most. She ran into my dad's room. She threw another tantrum and wouldn't let go of the cat. My dad yelled at me and started throwing things at me. It hurt so much, it just physically hurt. And I couldn't do anything to stop that hurt. I ran out of the room, slamming the door on the way out.

And it wasn't just that that triggered this flood of anger, my hatred of this place. Tension's been building up a lot lately. I haven't had anyone to talk to about it either. There's never anyone who wants to listen, so all I can do is just write it down and then shred the paper. Nobody's supposed to know what goes on in my life. Nobody.

There's a hole inside of me though, because I have nobody. Not a friend in the school that I can see everyday, not a one. I absolutely hated going back to school. I didn't want to see their faces again. It's a hell that's more bearable than home though. Grades, school, people.. the whole bit is just depressing. There's so much stress and pressure, I just don't know how to handle it anymore. And it's depressing.

Speaking of school, I have no idea where I'm going to college. I've given up on my stupid hope of getting into Cornell, Columbia, NYU, or even one of the UCs. I'm not smart enough. 1350 on my first try for the SATI? 3.7 average unweighted GPA? No, I'm not good enough. I finally took down my Cornell poster from my bulletin board. I took down the UC requirements. I took down everything. Even my robotics picture and medal, the things I prize most. My billboard is empty now. And it reminds me of.. well, me. I don't know what I want. At least I've given up on my stupid, childish dreams.

There's a lot that can happen in three weeks. I don't daydream about Nick that often anymore. I don't even think about him nearly as much as I used to. His indifference to me saddened me at first, but as time passed, I became less melancholy and just more.. apathetic. I've mostly given up on trying to IM him; he won't respond. I don't call and he doesn't either; we never have anything to talk about. I don't e-mail him; everything I write is pointless. I don't even know if I want him anymore. After all, I don't care about much, if anything, anymore. Three weeks is a long time to wait for a simple letter, and a lot can change.

"Follow your bliss," wrote Campbell once. We discussed it a little in English class today, and I didn't really think much of the quote until an hour ago. What is my bliss? The more I thought about it, the harder it was to decide. I don't think I've found it just quite yet. At one point, I remember. It was love. Christian's love; I was so happy then, I remember. I didn't have a care in the world other than him. But nothing lasts forever. Nothing. Why should love be any exception? Like all good things, it came to an end. And I still wonder.

What is my bliss? It may be the computer, chatting, or even writing, but none of those are exactly such bliss to be experienced. The computer pulls me from reality; it takes away my interaction with the world. I don't view the world through my computer, it's not exactly a means to see the world in a new light. Neither is chatting; that, like the computer, only pulls me from reality.

Writing though.. I'm not passionate about it for it to be my bliss. I'd love to have it become that wonderful to me, but I know it won't. I love the physical act of writing; I've been writing nonstop since December. When I first discovered it, I found it.. invigorating. It was just an amazing way to let things out. It's become a habit now, to just write through all my classes, to no one in particular. Mostly myself. But writing, it's just beautiful.

But what is there to write about that is worthwhile, eh? From my experience, nothing. Everything I've written is worthless, pointless, meaningless. Nobody ever wants to read what I have to write or type. Nobody listens. But my bliss shouldn't be dependent on other people. But it's not. I don't find these things worthy. I'm the one that matters. And I think that my writing is horrible. It sucks. No wonder nobody ever reads it.

Honestly though, back to the point. The thing I hate the most is having to come home to nothing welcoming; I hate staying here. I've always felt this way about it here. There's nothing I can do to make it bearable. I just have to take it for another year and a half. Maybe then I'll be able to pull myself together and live for myself, actually live. Maybe.

Stop dreaming. Stop hoping. Stop believing. It won't happen. Just stop.

It's never enough.