Death Day, Poem Options

[tainted_faerie]

This is for my dad Constructive critism please

Happy Death Day
I miss you,
sometimes too much
To hug you,
would be a gift-like gods touch

My tears,
are full of selfishness
My fears,
are nothing but memories missed

Taken from my curling hand.
Clutched so tight-like making glass from sand.

Please know I am okay
and I know i'll see you one day
Know that I love you,
and I will come what may,
Till I see you again, Happy Death Day.

-Tainted_Faerie '05

R.I.P 2/24/85

[*Programmer*]

awww...i feel you...i miss my dad to.....

[Kill_Drake]

the rhyming seems a bit awkward, maybe you should try revising it some to make the flow better.

the concept is very beautiful, i can relate, i lost my mother a long time ago. If you read it out-loud, you'll see what i mean by saying it's awkward. try to make it flow more by making the syllables more parallel.

for example:

if the first line has 3 syllables, try to make the line that rhymes with it have close to or the same amount of syllables to make it have better meter/beat. clapping with the syllables to count them helps.

that's all i can really offer, email me if you ever need some more help with poetry. and try some poetry that doesn't rhyme, it's a lot more free and open. i think you have potential

[angel-roh]

Wow that's sucha touching poem.
I bet your dad will love it if he knows about this site in heaven/hell haha...
Anyways you remembered your own dad's death day...
I don't think I remember few of my close friend's death day...
wow... you're good at memorizing. I like the to hug you part...
that's really cute and sweet-sounded. Whoa 1985?!?!
How old are you now?................ Then he died when you were a baby, huh?
If so, that's very sad... hope you feel better.
Well how can you feel better when someone's dead already.
But just feel better and not think of death.
Think happy thought! It's good for you hehehe.
.
.

[RiddleMeWonders]

the rhyming seems a bit awkward, maybe you should try revising it some to make the flow better.

the concept is very beautiful, i can relate, i lost my mother a long time ago.  If you read it out-loud, you'll see what i mean by saying it's awkward.  try to make it flow more by making the syllables more parallel.

for example:

if the first line has 3 syllables, try to make the line that rhymes with it have close to or the same amount of syllables to make it have better meter/beat.  clapping with the syllables to count them helps.

that's all i can really offer, email me if you ever need some more help with poetry.  and try some poetry that doesn't rhyme, it's a lot more free and open.  i think you have potential

Word homes.

-------
In a nutshell, I think the idea was great, writing something for him... Despite the fact that it needs work, the overall idea is wonderful. Happy Death-day.
*nods*
Good job.

[tainted_faerie]

the rhyming seems a bit awkward, maybe you should try revising it some to make the flow better.

the concept is very beautiful, i can relate, i lost my mother a long time ago.  If you read it out-loud, you'll see what i mean by saying it's awkward.  try to make it flow more by making the syllables more parallel.

for example:

if the first line has 3 syllables, try to make the line that rhymes with it have close to or the same amount of syllables to make it have better meter/beat.  clapping with the syllables to count them helps.

that's all i can really offer, email me if you ever need some more help with poetry.  and try some poetry that doesn't rhyme, it's a lot more free and open.  i think you have potential

Thanks for the input. I didn't notice until now that it didnt really have the same beat. To tell you the truth, I have never done a poem that didn't rhyme. I'll probably take you up on the email offer later on. Thank you.

Wow that's sucha touching poem.
I bet your dad will love it if he knows about this site in heaven/hell haha...
Anyways you remembered your own dad's death day...
I don't think I remember few of my close friend's death day...
wow... you're good at memorizing. I like the to hug you part...
that's really cute and sweet-sounded. Whoa 1985?!?!
How old are you now?................ Then he died when you were a baby, huh?
If so, that's very sad... hope you feel better.
Well how can you feel better when someone's dead already.
But just feel better and not think of death.
Think happy thought! It's good for you hehehe.

I was 4 months old when he died. I am 20 now. I am fine about his death, I got over it a few years ago. Well I guess you never really get over it, you learn to cope. It only hits me hard a couple times out of the year now...Today, His Birthday, Fathers Day, Mothers Day, My Birthday, and Christmas... I guess thats more than a few, but its better than before. ANYWAY, I don't want to seem as though I dwell on this. Thank you for the input.

[cynicalstitch]

I never really lost a loved one to death...I shouldn't say this..
but sometimes I wish my dad was dead...Not because I feel he deserves it, he's just so overwhelming and it isn't his fault..
It is a sweet poem, and I do agree with KillDrake, but likewise. The thought always counts...

[c0oki3_m0n$tah]

i love that poem! so touching!

[*stephinika*]

hmm...i love the concept, very touching.