That Guy, warning: CRAZY long! Options

[*not_your_average*]

*sigh* Here goes nothing... MAD PROPS to you if you read the whole story and reply.

Note: I'm in the 7th grade, so all the bullshit that goes on in junior high... well, here it is.

It all started in January. I had a mad crush on this guy in my Math class, (who we'll call 'Bob',) who is really cute, popular, jock-ish, etc. I, however, am not a cute, popular, preppy type. But I always acted like a total bitch to him, which gave him the signal that I hated him. I was so scared to show my real feelings for him at the time that I acted all rude and sarcastic. We had a HUGE rivalry between us.

But in February, I started thinking about it: I tried not to act all bitchy and mean to him, but I still didn't try and flirt with him. (I just don't have the confidence to do that.) And then I figured, "How about I tell him?"

I thought it was the perfect opportunity since the Valentine's Dance was coming up. But since I was scared to tell him in person, I figured I'd write a note with my screenname and number on it so it'd be kinda mysterious.

But one day, I was writing my note in English class (which he doesn't have with me, thankfully,) when the bell for 4th period rang. I immediately got up without a second thought to the note and dropped it on the floor. In 4th period (Science,) I was frantically looking for the note, scared shitless that someone would find it.

Turns out, someone did find it. They recognized my screenname on the note, and gave it to the guy before lunch, all without me knowing a damn thing. At lunch, his friends teased me relentlessly, like they always did. But after lunch, I got to know about it, and I broke down. I have Math after lunch, and the guy had that class with me. I cried the entire class, feeling so humiliated.

In 7th period (Theater) a kid asked me if I liked him, which brought back my tears. After 8th period, he saw me in the hallyway and yelled, "No way! No way in hell!" I didn't come to school the next day. That day, he IMed me and called me all these horible names (like bitch, freak, etc.) and said terrible things about me (i hate you, you're crazy, etc.) I couldn't eat the entire day.

After the "incident," I became extremely depressed and angry at myself. My friends dumped me, left mean comments on my xanga, and I had no one during that time. It was the lowest point of my life. (At least within 12 years.) I withdrew from anything and everything, feeling lonely and confused. I turned to God and spirituality at that point, which helped me out A LOT.

It's been a while since then, and he's slightly nicer to me. SLIGHTLY. He says 'hi' to me in the halls and stuff, but nothing extra-flirty. I IMed him because his friends were being pricks, and he acted all jerk-ish again. It seems like he's nice to me in public, but mean to me in private. I'm extremely unsure of my feelings for him, and I don't know how to respond.

I want to change my reputation as the "school freak" and come back next year completely different. Not for him, but for myself. Ok, I'm lying just a little bit, but still. I think I'd be happier if I changed my attitude a little bit. I'm vying for the littlest shred of approval from my peers, and I want it... BADLY.

What do I do?

edit//
He's nice to other girls, just not me. I saw him hug a girl today after school, so I guess he could just be mean to me, specifically. That just makes him even more of a jerk, though wouldn't it?