Let me know what you think..., maybe disturbing in a way? Options

[dukesoccer07]

As a child you never think about the future, you never think about what could be. You live without a care in the world, you do devilish acts like vandalism, thief, just minor things that you learn from, or at least your parents hope you learn from. Grade school was breeze, and you didnt know that it was the fundamentals at life that you were taught there. And then comes high school, the first big step in anyones life, the thing that will shape you the most.

The drama starts after the first week, you are finding your true friends, you are losing friends you once had. You discover things that you never knew about yourself, such as, who you really are. Your teachers challenge you to think about the problems in life, they make you think about what you are gonna do with your life. You start to form an idea about your career and you work from there, you start to plan for college, you do as much as you can to get into the college you want, either that or you just take the easy way out, and go for a college you know you dont have to do jack shit to get into.

You also realized that you wasted high school, you past up opportunities that should have been ceased. You feel alone, you feel like you will never be anyone, or anything to anyone. You try to fit in, but then you just don't feel like yourself anymore, you second guess who you are, and you lose close friends because of it. You are willing to give up friends for something that you know isnt you and you dont want.

Then high school ends, and everyone goes off in their own, you rarely talk to anyone anymore. You find yourself with a new group of people. You also realized that the time in high school you spent, you were actually really depressed, you know you made many mistakes, and you wish you could go back and change them so that you could be happy, but you know you cant, and it brings you down even more.

Your 19th birthday comes around, you hang out with a few friends the night before, thinking you'd spend time with your family, only to find out that your parents hate you, that they arent proud of you, that you have changed. You find yourself at a friends house, you thought they were a good friend, but then they let you take the gun, they let you point it at your head, you sit there, crying, knowing it is the end, knowing there is nothing left, then you remember...

You remember about the girl that you just met, the person that is unlike anyone else that you have met. You hope and wish that maybe something would happen, that if you just try to spend time with her something would develop. Weeks go by and you start spending a lot of time her, you hang out almost everyday. A connection is made, and that one night, after bowling, you finally kiss her, and thats where it all starts. You never felt this way about anyone. All through high school you were never happy always depressed, and then you find someone, someone that made you forget about all that, someone that made you happy. You forget about everything, you dont care what peoples opinions are, you are happy, its something that hasnt happened in many years, so you cease it for all its worth.

And then it ends, so abruptly, without warning, without trying to work anything out, it just ends. You pray that maybe it wouldnt, maybe things will work out, maybe its just that you needed time apart, maybe you needed to relax. And thats where you stand now, hoping that things will work out. But you know deep down inside that you are hurt by all of this, you know you cant be happy without them, its just the depression stage all over again, except this time worst. This time you have multiple thoughts of suicide a night, you think of ways to do it, you slit your wrist at night trying to cause physical pain instead of emotional pain, but it wont help. Now you just have to lie to people about has happen, you say a cat scratched you, or something like that.

There are two people that matter the most in your life, one is the person that you spent your summer with, and the other is your aunt, someone who has always been there for you. You tell her whats going on, you beg her not to tell your parents, but she doesnt listen, she tells anyways, and things get 100 times worst. You tell her not to cry and tell her that something may happen to you. You dont sleep for days, you start to have an emotional break down, you are told your brother is going to Iraq for 6 months, another person that means the most to you. You pull out your Bible only to find old passages that you would read every night, and you read them, and you cry. You wonder where you went wrong, why things are the same, why you feel so empty inside and why it doesnt seem like you are living anymore.

All you do is sit in your room, listen to the emo and punk style music, hearing bands that are mad at their dad, and some songs about relationships, and you quickly turn it off. You turn on the TV just to see people and their relationships with others. Its the basis of life to establish a relationship with someone, but the only person you want to be with right now you can't.