createBlog Diary., Version 3. Options

[inthemudhole]

Okie. The other one was getting really long. @_@
So here I am.. making a new one. :P

Credit to faithin_felix for the last diary thread.

Guidelines/Rules/Format

-Please do it in diary format. (Example: Dear createBlog Diary,)
-Talk about your day, or anything else like that.
-Don't post in here solely to comment on someone else's day.. you can quote them, but don't make that your post.

(That's all I can think of right now. Another mod can add onto this if you wish to.)

--

I'll start it off, then.

--

Hey.

Things have been.. shitty again..
Well, I was absolutely ECSTATIC yesterday.. and I still am.

Just things with my personal life have been getting me down a lot lately.
There have been a lot of feuds in my household lately, I got bad grades for the first semester, my parents are going to freak about my grades, my friend keeps ditching me for her boyfriend, my other friend is going to ask this guy out who I've been liking since the beginning of this school year.. and other assorted things.

I'm extremely stressed out right now, believe it or not.
I'm SUCH a procrastinator. I REALLY need to break that habit.
I'm going to do MUCH better for the second semester. That is my main goal right now.. to get really good grades to make up for the crappy semester one grades.

I'm still kind of.. discouraged.
>< Bleh.

I don't even know what I want to do with my life.
I know I'm only 13 and only in the 8th grade, but it just hit me today.. I need to start thinking about a career so I can take the appropriate classes to help me with getting that career.
We had the school counselors come into English and talk to us about setting goals and crap like that for our future.. that's why it hit me. I NEED to get a back-up career, too.. since who knows if my band will make it big by the time I form it?

Oh well. Maybe I should focus on the positive part of my day.

eEeee! Schedule change. Cody's now in two of my classes. <3

Now I have clay and sculpture instead of wood.. eEee! Josh is in that class. <3 Crap. >< He'll probably end up sitting by me, too.. since he was absent today.. and the only open spots in the classroom are at my table, and at the table next to me.

Anyway, I typed out a lot today..

See yah.

-Brie

--

Alright! Resume posting!

[*Azarel*]

Dear createBlog diary,
If everyone knew my family and my parents, they'd all know why I'm such a bitch. I'm a mean person. I realized that tonight. I'm not just a little mean; I'm a straight-up harsh bitch that hates everyone and everything. I wonder how people can stand me. I'm fucked up beyond all recognition (harhar, fubar), but seriously.. I know what pisses people off. I know when I should back off. I just can't seem to make myself stop.

I've been raised, beaten and punished my entire life. Over the most trivial of things too, like not emptying the recycle bin on the computer, or not turning off a light in a room because I was going to return in two minutes. I remember being beaten. My legs were always bruised up because my mom would hit them with wire clothes hangers. My knees and legs always hurt because my dad would make me kneel for hours on end, not letting me go to bed. It created a searing hatred in me.

And my parents, they wonder why I don't listen to them now. They wonder why I talk back sometimes. I've never gone so far as to disrespect them, but I hate having to absorb every single word of their verbal abuse without doing anything at all. I can't do it. I don't obey their orders; I don't focus on my schoolwork anymore, I don't focus on much of anything anymore except my friends. I've learned not to try anymore at anything; it's never good enough for them. I hated having to go home with a report card, "I'm sorry, I must be retarded because my lowest grade was an A-," and then being considered stupid before I was punished, even though I tried hard. I absolutely hated it.

So does that make me stupid? Does always being at the top of my classes up until second semester sophomore year really make me stupid? Does getting 1350 on the SATI on my first try make me stupid? Does getting into a private high school make me stupid? Does qualifying for numerous summer programs at prestigious colleges like Harvard make me stupid? Does it? Apparently so. I've learned to never try to please my parents again. Ever. I'll never measure up.

My friends, they're all I have. My parents hate everything about them, but I don't give a shit. They're my joy, my happiness. How else do I escape this hell? I spend every moment I can with them, trying to savor the moments, or trying to talk to them whether it be by phone or by computer. My parents absolutely hate them all. They don't even give my friends any chances. "No, I'm sorry, you can't go out with Jenn anymore because she lies to her parents and steals money. She must be stupid too. Where the hell did you meet her anyways? I bet she has a 2.0 GPA and no extracurriculars. I don't like her at all." What the fuck? No, she doesn't. She works for the goddamned money; she works goddamned hard. She deserves it. She's taking mainly the same classes as I am, and she's doing better than me. Oh, yeah, that totally makes her stupid. I will never listen to my parents.

And yet I still do. I believe that I'm stupid, that I'm worthless, that nobody cares about me sometimes. And it makes me cry like I am now. Nobody knows exactly what I go through, nobody knows how much it hurts. I can't help that people hate me now. Sometimes I revel in it, but to be honest, sometimes I yearn to be accepted. People seem to remember who I am, but they never really know me. Nobody really does. I wouldn't blame them either. It's all my fault. I'm such a sham. No wonder everybody hates me. No wonder.

-Me.

-----

I wonder if people notice.