untitled, someone help? XD Options

[TreesTurnMeOn]

I wrote this while my dad was busy telling mom how stupid i was write in front of my face

I try and walk away from your stupid psychodelic sherade (sp?)
Because all the love in your face quickly fades
You scream harsh words;be quiet, I already heard
How I am stupid and worthless and utterly absurd

Locked in my room, I look back and reflect
How Your harsh words scarred me through neglect
Put on your fake image and let's pretend
That our tragic dilemma has come to an end

Nothing became of this cause they believe we live in bliss
And you won't accept the fact that your completely horendous (sp?)
Run off;slam the door while I'm face down on the floor
They'll imagine that I just fell once more

Locked in my room, I look back and reflect
How Your harsh words scarred me through neglect
Put on your fake image and let's pretend
That our tragic dilemma has come to an end

These tears in my eyes;the black bruises on my thighs
Are merely the result of failed tries
To kill your daughter;your attempted man slaughter
But its all concealed by the material things you bought her

Locked in my room, I look back and reflect
How Your harsh words scarred me through neglect
Put on your fake image and let's pretend
That our tragic dilemma has come to an end

Comments and CONSTRUCTIVE criticism wanted and needed

[ryfitaDF]

"To kill your daughter;your attempted man slaughter"

that there is my favorite line. it's pretty good. now for the constuctive criticism.

i think you missused the word "epidemic". an epidemic is a disease that reaches alot of people, but this song is exclusively about your dad, right? i suggest you replace it with somthing such as "dilemma" or a synonym for fight. perhaps "struggle". somthing along those lines.

in the chorus where it says "through my neglect", i'd drop the "my". just an idea, though.

and, for your next writing, might i suggest longer verses? just an idea.

[TreesTurnMeOn]

"To kill your daughter;your attempted man slaughter"

that there is my favorite line. it's pretty good. now for the constuctive criticism.

i think you missused the word "epidemic". an epidemic is a disease that reaches alot of people, but this song is exclusively about your dad, right? i suggest you replace it with somthing such as "dilemma" or a synonym for fight. perhaps "struggle". somthing along those lines.

in the chorus where it says "through my neglect", i'd drop the "my". just an idea, though.

and, for your next writing, might i suggest longer verses? just an idea.

Thanks lunchbox. ^^ I changed it. Appreciate all of you guys' help.