createBlog Diary., Version 3. Options

[inthemudhole]

Okie. The other one was getting really long. @_@
So here I am.. making a new one. :P

Credit to faithin_felix for the last diary thread.

Guidelines/Rules/Format

-Please do it in diary format. (Example: Dear createBlog Diary,)
-Talk about your day, or anything else like that.
-Don't post in here solely to comment on someone else's day.. you can quote them, but don't make that your post.

(That's all I can think of right now. Another mod can add onto this if you wish to.)

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I'll start it off, then.

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Hey.

Things have been.. shitty again..
Well, I was absolutely ECSTATIC yesterday.. and I still am.

Just things with my personal life have been getting me down a lot lately.
There have been a lot of feuds in my household lately, I got bad grades for the first semester, my parents are going to freak about my grades, my friend keeps ditching me for her boyfriend, my other friend is going to ask this guy out who I've been liking since the beginning of this school year.. and other assorted things.

I'm extremely stressed out right now, believe it or not.
I'm SUCH a procrastinator. I REALLY need to break that habit.
I'm going to do MUCH better for the second semester. That is my main goal right now.. to get really good grades to make up for the crappy semester one grades.

I'm still kind of.. discouraged.
>< Bleh.

I don't even know what I want to do with my life.
I know I'm only 13 and only in the 8th grade, but it just hit me today.. I need to start thinking about a career so I can take the appropriate classes to help me with getting that career.
We had the school counselors come into English and talk to us about setting goals and crap like that for our future.. that's why it hit me. I NEED to get a back-up career, too.. since who knows if my band will make it big by the time I form it?

Oh well. Maybe I should focus on the positive part of my day.

eEeee! Schedule change. Cody's now in two of my classes. <3

Now I have clay and sculpture instead of wood.. eEee! Josh is in that class. <3 Crap. >< He'll probably end up sitting by me, too.. since he was absent today.. and the only open spots in the classroom are at my table, and at the table next to me.

Anyway, I typed out a lot today..

See yah.

-Brie

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Alright! Resume posting!

[*Azarel*]

Dear createBlog Diary,

Why won't he talk to me? Why is he avoiding me? Or is it the other way around? Am I the one avoiding him? I can't tell anymore.

I wonder if he still cares. I try not to think about him, and what scares me is that throughout the school day, it mostly works. I don't know what I do during classes now. I don't write to anyone, I don't focus, I don't get anything finished. I'm just there. I never accomplish anything anymore; I can't even bring myself to write anymore.

This is the exact reason I told myself to stay out of online relationships. I don't know what he's thinking. I don't know if he still cares. I don't know if he misses me the way I miss him. I keep telling myself that it's over, that I don't care. But that's a lie. I miss talking to him. I miss his voice. I miss him.

However, I refuse to be the one that strike up a conversation this time. I refuse to be the one that apologizes. I was not wrong this time; I was not wrong. I will not admit to something I did not do, I will not apologize for something I believe was right. It was not my fault, I told him to stop, but he didn't. He never does.

I feel so guilty though. Lately, in order to get my mind off of him, I've been hanging around and talking with so many guys, not even because I like them in that way. They're just friends, but they're attractive. They're gorgeous. But each one has his own individual quirks. And quirks, if big enough, I just can't overlook.

He's got a crush on someone else, and I know myself well enough to say that I think he's hot but that I don't like him in that way. He's hilarious, but very flirtatious. He's young and I don't know him well enough. I bump into him randomly around school, but he's a too naïve for my tastes. His voice is dramatic, his body built, and his mind deep; I could never get involved. A surfer and an artist, how different can he be? He's a fast-paced guy and it wouldn't work. His hair is fabulous, he's a bit odd but we're friends.

None of them would ever like me, that I'm sure of, but I love calling them up or chilling with them. I'm not a likeable person; sometimes I wonder why people even put up with me. I'm amazed that I've ever even had a boyfriend, much less two serious ones. Sure, shallow guys come up to me once a blue moon to ask for my number, but I hate that; I never give it out. But how do people put up with me?

I'm such an a-hole; if I were someone else, I'd probably hate me. But the point is, I'm not very likeable. I hate people, I'm a misanthrope. I'm mean and sarcastic, I'm bitter and cynical. But I'm a whole lot of fun to hang out with, at least I think so, from time to time. I'm obnoxious, I whine every chance I get, I'm a lazy bum, I'm selfish, I hate many of my so-called "friends" that I see everyday. What good is there to me?

But maybe that's why we get along so well. That's why I'm so drawn to him. We're both the same sort of person. We believe, love, and hate the same things.. I love everything about him. His name, his voice, his laugh, .. I miss everything. God, I miss him so much. It's a searing want that's spreading. I can feel it, it physically hurts.

I can't do this; I can't put him through this. I'm much too loyal, that's true, but to even think about it, it's just wrong. I hate myself for thinking it, but sometimes it just drifts in. But I can't. I'm not the sort of person to betray one's trust in me. I know how much it takes to trust in someone, and I would never just throw someone else's trust away. Never.

I feel empty, I really do. Every time I have time to myself, I begin to notice a feeling I can't quite place. And then I realize it's loneliness. I can't bring myself to tell anyone how I feel, so I lock myself in my room where nobody can reach me, nobody can hurt me. It's peaceful there. Great. I got myself into a crying mess now. Ugh.

And on another subject, I'm really bitter. It shouldn't be a big deal to me, I wasn't even that serious about it, but it disappointed me. I got upset over such a trivial thing, it was becoming a mod. I'd be lying if I said I weren't let down when I found out I wasn't modded. I'd be lying if said I weren't jealous of everyone else. I'd be lying if I said I'm happy for all the mods. Some of them don't deserve it. Some of them don't deserve it all.

What sucks, though, is that everyone else believed that I would be modded, and I doubted them. I was right to doubt them, but they kept telling me how qualified I was and such, and I started believing them. It was a stupid mistake that I've made so many times before. I need to learn to stop setting myself up for disappointment. It's starting to get old.

But why wasn't I modded? I can't say. I've been meaning to ask an admin, but I keep forgetting. I heard many mods put in good words for me and wanted me on staff, but that wasn't considered. People said I was extremely qualified and asked me to apply. Why should it be that admin decides who is modded and who isn't? How many out of the three people who chose mods actually got to know the candidates? All of them? None.

Yeah, I'm fucking bitter. I have every right to be when Kristin was modded and not I. She is my friend and everything, but I haven't even seen Buttskin around cB that much anymore. I remember back in July and August, she'd actually post. I haven't seen much of her in the past five months. At all.

I'm resentful. I'm not the only one that was disappointed with the new mods. Everyone I've talked to has told me that they were surprised at some of the mod decisions and even momre astonished that I wasn't modded.

But I suppose I don't deserve it at all. After all, I'm not qualified enough, am I? I don't have a 5 post-per-day count. I'm not of official member status. I'm not dedicated. I don't like helping people.

What bullshit. I'm more than just committed. I'm on here every chance that I get. I can't help that I don't have a post-per-day count of over five. I can't help that the official member requirement goes hand-in-hand with the post-per-day requirement. I'm not a kind person; I don't take things lightly. But I am helpful enough. I'm good enough. I fucking better than you all. I don't need a fucking mod status to know that I'm superior. Because I already am. I'm more competent than any of you will ever be. Go choke on a condom and die, bitch. God, what the fuck.

Ignore me. I'm just a selfish, angry little prick. Seriously.

-Me.

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Dear createBlog Diary,

I can tell now. I'm on the phone right now, and it just hurts. It burns. I hear the indifference in his voice, and I can tell he doesn't care anymore. It made me cry. I couldn't bear how I couldn't keep it in, I had to put the mic on mute because I didn't want him hearing me cry. I hate when people hear me cry. I hate crying.

-Me.

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Dear createBlog Diary,

It's over. I know it. I just don't want to accept it.

I can't say that I didn't try to be the bigger person because I truly did. I wanted it to work but it didn't. It wasn't supposed to, anyways. Everything that I've ever truly wanted, everything that has ever made me happy has always just slipped out of my reach. Why should this be any different at all?

Today has been utterly horrible. As if six hours of SAT class weren't enough, my emotions were fucked with so damn much, it wasn't even funny. I'd rather not talk about the foremost item, but wow. Mother-dear has never failed to make me miserable and kick me down when I'm low. Just wow.

She makes me hate myself, my life, my family, everything. She makes me not want to live; every time we go through this, the thought of suicide wanders back into my head. I know better than this. I know. It's wrong. It's painful. It's not the answer. But I always wonder how people will react. I wonder if my "friends" will miss me. I wonder if it'll make mum feel guilty about always treating me like shit.

And it scares me, because it seems like nobody would even notice.

- Me.

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This is not fair. This is not my home. This is not my family. This is not my life. I hate this.