Why men are proud of themselves.. Options

[xj_liana_tx]

1. We know stuff about tanks.
2. A 5-day trip requires only one suitcase.
3. We can open all our own jars.
4. We can go to the bathroom without a support group.
5. We don't have to learn to spell a new last name.
6. We can leave a motel bed unmade.
7. We can kill our own food.
8. We get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
9. Wedding plans take care of themselves.
10. If someone forgets to invite us to something they can still be our friend.
11. Underwear is $10 per three-pack.
12. If you are 34 and single nobody notices.
13. Everything on our faces stays the original color.
14. Three pair of shoes are more than enough... maybe too many.
15. We don't have to clean the house/appartment if the meter reader is coming.
16. Car mechanics tell us the truth.
17. We can sit quietly and watch a game with a friend for hours without thinking, "He must be mad at me".
18. Same work - more pay
19. Gray hair and wrinkles only add character.
20. We can drop by and see a friend without having to bring a little gift.
21. If another guy shows up at a party in the same outfit, you just might become lifelong friends.
22. Your pals will never trap you with: "So, notice anything different?"
23. We are not expected to know the names of more than 5 colors.
24. We are totally unable to see wrinkles in our clothes.
25. The same hairstyle lasts for years - even decades.
26. We don't have to shave below the neck.
27. A few belches are expected and tolerated.
28. Our belly usually hides our big hips.
29. One wallet, one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.
30. We can do our nails with a pocketknife or our teeth.
31. We have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
32. Christmas shopping can be accomplished for 25 people on the day before Christmas and in 45 minutes.
33. The garage is all ours.
34. Chocolate is just another snack.
35. We can be president.
36. We can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
37. We don't give a rat's butt if someone doesn't notice your new haircut.
38. The world is our urinal.
39. We never have to drive to another gas station because this one's just too icky looking.
40. Wedding Dress $5000; Tux rental $100.
41. People never stare at our chest when we're talking to them.
42. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle our feet.
43. One mood, ALL the time.
44. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
45. We can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger's seat.
46. We don't have to clean your apartment if the maid is coming.
47. We don't mooch off other's desserts.
48. We don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
49. Monday Night Football.
50. Our bathroom lines are 80 percent shorter.
51. Old friends don't give a frog about whether you've lost or gained weight.
52. Our tush is never a factor in job interviews.
53. All our orgasms are real.
54. The National College Cheerleading Championship.
55. We can write our name in the snow.
56. Flowers fix darn near everything.
57. We never have to worry about other people's feelings.
58. We get to think about sex 90 percent of your waking hours.
59. Foreplay is optional.
60. Nobody stops telling a good dirty joke when we walk into the room.
61. We get to jump up and slap stuff.
62. Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.
63. We know at least 20 ways to open a beer bottle.
64. We can sit with your knees apart no matter what you're wearing.
65. Wedding dress: $2,000; tuxedo rental: $75.
66. With 400 million sperm released each time, well, ya know, we could double the Earth's population in 15 tries -- at least in theory.
67. If we retain water, it's in a canteen.
68. The remote control is ours and ours alone.
69. Bachelor parties whomp tush over bridal showers.
70. We can rationalize any behavior with the handy phrase, "Frog it!"
71. We think the idea of punting a small dog is funny.
72. If something mechanical doesn't work, we can bash it with a hammer or throw it across the room.
73. Porn movies are designed with our mind in mind.
74. There's always a game on somewhere.

But there's a downside:

1. We have to take out the garbage.
2. A Ferrari 550 Maranello lists for more than $200,000.
3. No sofas in our restrooms.
4. External genitalia are vulnerable to knees and fastballs.
5. Even if we get your head caught in an industrial woodchipper, you're not allowed to cry.
6. James Bond movies only come out every two years.
7. We can't flirt your way out of a jam.
8. Ribbed for her pleasure, not ours.


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More Reasons Why It's Cool To Be A Guy



You can leave a hotel room bed unmade.

You never have to clean the toilet.

Gray hair and wrinkles add character.

If you retain water, it is in a canteen.

The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.

If something mechanical didn't work, you can bash it with a hammer and throw it across the room.

If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you might become lifelong buddies.

You can admire Clint Eastwood without having to starve yourself to look like him.

Everything can be fixed with either flowers or duct tape.


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Rules of Being A Guy



Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.

If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever, unless you actually marry her.

The minimum amount of time you have to wait for a guy who's running late is 5 minutes. Maximum waiting time: 6 minutes. Maximum waiting time: 6 minutes. For a girl, you have to wait 10 minutes for every point of hotness she scores on the classic 1-10 scale.

Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both. That's just plain mean.

Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing: both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.

When a buddy is trying to hook you up, you may sabotage him only in a manner that gives you no chance of getting laid either.


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Male Date Drug



Police warn all male clubbers, party-goers and unsuspecting public house regulars to be more alert and cautious when getting a drink offer from a girl.

There is a drug called beer, usually in liquid form, now being used by female predators at parties to convince their male victims to have intimate relations with them. The shocking statistic is that beer is available virtually anywhere!

All girls have to do is buy a beer or two for almost any guy and simply ask the guy home for a no-strings attached encounter. Men are literally rendered helpless against such attacks.

Attacks generally come from unscrupulous women who render their prey legless in order to satisfy their unsatiated desire with blokes of a more discerning nature. Please! Forward this to every male you know......

However, if you fall victim to this insidious drug and the predatory creatures administering them, there are male support groups with venues in every suburb where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter in an open and frank manner with a bunch of similarly affected like minded guys. For the nearest venue near you just look up "Pub" in the yellow pages.


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A man is a person who, if a woman says, "Never mind, I'll do it myself;" lets her.

A woman is a person who, if she says to a man, "Never mind, I'll do it myself," and he lets her; gets mad.

A man is a person who, if a woman says to him, "Never mind, I'll do it myself," and he lets her and she get mad; says, "Now what are you mad about?"

A woman is a person who, if she says to a man, "Never mind, I'll do it myself," and he lets her and she get mad, and he says, "Now what are mad about?" says "If you don't know I'm not going to tell you."


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Commandments For Men Chips


1. Thou shalt not rent Sleepless in Seattle.

2. When on a fishing trip with the guys, never, no matter how sunburned you and your buds may be....is it appropriate to rub sunscreen on each other's backs.

3. When queried by a buddy's wife, girlfriend, mother, father, priest, shrink, dentist, accountant, or dog walker, you need not and should not provide any useful information whatsoever as to his whereabouts. You are permitted to deny his very existence.

4. If a man's zipper is down, that's his problem--you didn't see nothin'.

5. Any man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his fellow partygoers.

6. When in need to go pee, there is a minimum of one empty urinal between you and another man. If this is not possible, you're out of luck----hold it 'til later.

7. You may exaggerate any anecdote told in a bar by 50% without recrimination; beyond that, anyone within earshot is allowed to call you on it. (Exception: When trying to pick-up a girl, the allowable exaggeration rate rises to 400%).

8. Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

9. If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off-limits forever, unless you actually marry her.

10. The minimum amount of time you have to wait for another guy who's running late: five minutes. Maximum waiting time:
six minutes. For a girl, you are required to wait 10 minutes for every point of hotness she scores on the classic 1-10 scale.

11. Things that you can always cheat on: your taxes, the SAT's, and your resume. Things you can never cheat on: golf, darts, poker.

12. A friend must be permitted to borrow anything you own-- weed whacker, car, firstborn child----within 12 hours' notice.
If he damages the item, he must repair it within seven days, even if it means selling his plasma. Exception: If you don't notice the damage at the hand-off, he gets away scot-free.

13. It is OK to cry only during the following situations: When a heroic dog tries to save his master; The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbottoning her blouse; After wrecking your boss' Ferrari; One hour, 12 minutes, and 37 seconds into The Crying Game; When you accidentally slice off your head in a bandsaw.

14. You cannot rat out a coworker who shows up at work with a massive hangover. You may, however, hide the aspirin, smear his chair with Limburger cheese, turn the brightness dial all the way down so he thinks his monitor's broken, and have him paged over the loudspeaker every seven minutes.

15. Do not torpedo single friends: If you're married and a pal drops by with a date, do not, even after your sixth vodka, blurt out, "So when are you two gonna walk the plank?" Punishment: Following the assembly instructions for your Rugrat's toys for two years.

16. On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines the pit stops, not the weakest.

17. Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.

18. Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to pick a Buffalo wing clean.

19. Unless he murdered someone in your immediate family, your immediate family, you must bail out a friend within 12 hours.

20. No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. (In fact even remembering your best buddy's birthday is strictly optional).

21. The universal compensation for buddies who help you move is beer. The reward formula is as follows: (hours of labor) x (number of boxes) x (flight of stairs) divided by dollars, in hundreds, of damage to belongings = beers owed. Bonus for
the friend who owns the truck: first crack at the hot new neighbor chick.

22. You must offer heartfelt and public condolences over the death of a girlfriend's cat, even if you secretly set it on fire and threw it into a ceiling fan.

23. If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer.

24. Unless you have signed a lucrative endorsement contract, do not appear in public wearing more than one Nike swoosh.

25. When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may always ask the score of the game in progress; but you may never ask who's playing.

26. When your girlfriend/wife expresses a desire to fix her whiny, loser friend up with your pal, you may give her the go-ahead only if you'll be able to warn your buddy and give him time to prepare his excuse about joining the priesthood.

27. Phrases that may not be uttered to another man while lifting weights: "Yeah, baby, push it!"; "C'mon, give me one more! Harder!"; "Another set and we can hit the showers."; "Nice ass. Are you a Sagittarius?"

28. It is permissible to order a fruity chick drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach....and it's delivered by a topless model....and it's free.

29. When in a bar with a ratio of more than five waiting customers per bartender, limit orders to beer and straight liquor. (No, your girlfriend doesn't need a frozen flying grasshopper with a twist of grapefruit).

30. Only in a situation of mortal peril are you allowed to kick another member of the male species in the "family jewels."

31. Never talk to a man in the bathroom unless you're on equal footing: both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible "I recognize you" nod is all the conversation you need.

32. A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.

33. The third, fourth, and fifth rules of Fight Club: If your buddy is outnumbered, outmanned, or too drunk to defend himself, you must jump into the fight. Exception: If during the past 24 hours his actions have caused you to think "What this guy need is a good butt-whipping." You may then stand back and enjoy.

34. Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.

35. Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both. That's just plain mean.

36. If one guy is already singing along with a song on the car radio, you may not chime in, even if it's the chorus to "Wooly Bully."

[acidbreeze]

yay :) funny