i've been feeling so depressed lately. Options

[babyxsmilez]

me & my boyfriend, kt broke up a 3 weeks ago because i needed to figure out my feelings for this other kid, nam. so i basically dated him for a bit & one day.. i was really really really really mad at kt because he was my date for the winter formal but at the formal, he never danced with me ONCE & grinded with erica for 6 straight songs.. then he'd see me for 2-4 minutes then leave for 20 minutes to go talk to his friends. i was hurt so much.. i told him my feelings that night on the phone but he said "well, you should have told me then" & didn't admit that it was his fault. i turned to nam & he made me all happy. so nam came over the next day & we sat on my bed [no groping -_-]. one thing lead to another.. & nam put his hand into my pants & he fingered me. -_- i allowed it.. i thought about kt & his feelings & my feelings.. so after a minute, i told him to stop bcuz i said i still love kt & that i felt incredibly guilty. he understood. so the two of us said that we'd make it seem like it never happened..

a few days later, me & kt made up & i was starting to feel like i was falling deeper in love with him & less feelings for nam. i realized nam was just an infatuation & a substitute when kt wasn't there.. & even tho nam & i had so much in common [incredibly freaky amount of things in common].. there was no feeling like there was between me & kt. but then.. he asked me a question after finding out that i hung out with nam after the formal. "what have you done with him?" he was getting mad.. bcuz he knew that i had done SOMETHING with him. i told him the truth.. he said that he wanted me to be honest in this relationship.. & well.. i was. *sigh* i feel so stupid.. for telling him.. now he can't stand to even LOOK at me. he says.. after that night that i told him, he lost all romantic feelings for me which sucks.. i gave him so much of me.. all of my time.. some of my money [i gave him gifts.. while i got ZIP from him].. i friggen gave him my virginity too! when i was with him, i had the most happiest moments.. now when i see him in the halls & my heart just starts to pound & my eyes start to water a little.. i love him a lot [even if i'm too young to say it.. it's just the way i feel].. my mind is just going "just look me in the eyes.. just once." sucks even more when i was making friends with his friends.. now i can't talk to them at all.

he told me that i was the first girl i ever loved.. he told me when i was making my decision that he loved me deeply & waited so long for me.. he told me that i was the only one that could make him happy [which i believe because all of his friends said the same thing].. damnit. i ruined my relationship with him.. he'll never forgive me & he'll hate me forever [HE HAS HELD A GRUDGE AGAINST THIS GIRL SINCE THE 3RD GRADE BCUZ SHE GOT BETTER GRADES THAN HIM. that means he held it for 8 years.. -_-]

sigh. should i go to nam? try to forget about kt? or be ms. positive, be happy for him & see what happens next?

[*Azarel*]

one thing lead to another.. & nam put his hand into my pants & he fingered me. -_- i allowed it..

nam just surprised me outta blue by trying/fingering me.. i didn't like that

.. why the hell did you let him do it if you didn't like it? Geez. People these days..