i've been feeling so depressed lately. Options

[babyxsmilez]

me & my boyfriend, kt broke up a 3 weeks ago because i needed to figure out my feelings for this other kid, nam. so i basically dated him for a bit & one day.. i was really really really really mad at kt because he was my date for the winter formal but at the formal, he never danced with me ONCE & grinded with erica for 6 straight songs.. then he'd see me for 2-4 minutes then leave for 20 minutes to go talk to his friends. i was hurt so much.. i told him my feelings that night on the phone but he said "well, you should have told me then" & didn't admit that it was his fault. i turned to nam & he made me all happy. so nam came over the next day & we sat on my bed [no groping -_-]. one thing lead to another.. & nam put his hand into my pants & he fingered me. -_- i allowed it.. i thought about kt & his feelings & my feelings.. so after a minute, i told him to stop bcuz i said i still love kt & that i felt incredibly guilty. he understood. so the two of us said that we'd make it seem like it never happened..

a few days later, me & kt made up & i was starting to feel like i was falling deeper in love with him & less feelings for nam. i realized nam was just an infatuation & a substitute when kt wasn't there.. & even tho nam & i had so much in common [incredibly freaky amount of things in common].. there was no feeling like there was between me & kt. but then.. he asked me a question after finding out that i hung out with nam after the formal. "what have you done with him?" he was getting mad.. bcuz he knew that i had done SOMETHING with him. i told him the truth.. he said that he wanted me to be honest in this relationship.. & well.. i was. *sigh* i feel so stupid.. for telling him.. now he can't stand to even LOOK at me. he says.. after that night that i told him, he lost all romantic feelings for me which sucks.. i gave him so much of me.. all of my time.. some of my money [i gave him gifts.. while i got ZIP from him].. i friggen gave him my virginity too! when i was with him, i had the most happiest moments.. now when i see him in the halls & my heart just starts to pound & my eyes start to water a little.. i love him a lot [even if i'm too young to say it.. it's just the way i feel].. my mind is just going "just look me in the eyes.. just once." sucks even more when i was making friends with his friends.. now i can't talk to them at all.

he told me that i was the first girl i ever loved.. he told me when i was making my decision that he loved me deeply & waited so long for me.. he told me that i was the only one that could make him happy [which i believe because all of his friends said the same thing].. damnit. i ruined my relationship with him.. he'll never forgive me & he'll hate me forever [HE HAS HELD A GRUDGE AGAINST THIS GIRL SINCE THE 3RD GRADE BCUZ SHE GOT BETTER GRADES THAN HIM. that means he held it for 8 years.. -_-]

sigh. should i go to nam? try to forget about kt? or be ms. positive, be happy for him & see what happens next?

[Shattered_Hope]

Why don't you just go to him and tell him how you feel??Tell him it was a mistake on your part and that it was weakness that came over you with what happened between nam and yourself. Tell him you were jealous about what happened at the dance and you couldnt control your envy..the fact that what happened meant nothing to you and that you still l o v e him. How you gave up everything for him...if he really loved you..he's going to forgive you...but don't ever expect him to forget.