About my re-markable birthday..., yes it's going to leave a mark.. Options

[xj_liana_tx]

ok before you guys yell "STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF YOU EGOCENTRIC B****"
I am not really going to brag about oh how many terrific gifts i received... because i didn't. so basically, this is another of my complaint.

all right, so yesterday was my birthday, and in the morning, my mom made me clean out everything for about 2 hours, and then they remembered my birthday so my mom like "ok so you want to go to the mall, let's go" and then dad was on the computer and we lost another 2 hours... I mean, i don't want to go to the mall with them anyways since everytime i go it's like a disaster. So blah blah blah, off we went at 3 o'clock. and yes, it was very boring, none of us said a word for the next 2 hours. and whenever i was trying to get a peek of Seventeen, my dad would be like "hands off, that's going to poison your mind." and whenever i was in Claire's or whatever store I like, my dad would go "Stop looking at these stuff." So yeah, you do the math..

After we left, we just basically went grocery shopping and to the stores my parents go every ordinary weekends... ok so it started when we were at Target, first, i spotted a pair of cool sunglasses, well, my parents wouldn't buy it for me because it was expensive (it was 20$), so i was like ok since i don't want to act like a spoiled brat. So then since i was planning on coloring my hair for a long time, i was at the hair section right?? Well so it went down hill from there. My mom told my dad that i want to color my hair, and then in the car (I was still quiet)... THEY started to talk, and the more they talked the more intense the conversation got.. and my dad spent the next 30 minutes of the car ride telling me how shallow i am and how bad my handwriting is, and how i am going to die like a worthless dog if i keep doing it, and how i am chinese and i shouldn't learn from other people's bad influences (like coloring my hair, and shopping), and then they just kept on ranting and i don't know how much but i shed about 30 drops of tears like a loser...

then i got home they were still yelling and screaming, it was almost like they had forgot that yesterday was my birthday, well it wouldn't make a difference. So i kept crying silently like a loser and i .......




well.. cut my self


i mean, i can't really hate my parents, and i am really overwhelmed by all the pressure and just everything, and all i can hate is myself. i am really sensitive to pain and i thought about the consequences, but still, i slashed my arm and i engraved "12/18/04---15" on my arm, it stinged for the whole night.
then i went to bed at about 8:50

I don't know, well just leave some comments. I don't know what to think now. I am all too shocked by what had happened... i don't know, maybe i shouldn't be.

[xj_liana_tx]

Mmm I see... Aww you have a weak heart condition? Aww  Well he should know that being as temperamental as he is won't make his heart condition any better, only worse. And personally, he should appreciate all the hard work you've been doing for school and whatnot. He should know that no one's perfect. And well, you still need to talk to someone about it.

Actually my friend called social services because her father (or mother, or both) was being temperamental and even took her font and broke it and she cried and ran away. She went to school the next day, but had to go to the counselor and thus missed a whole day of classes. She's still recovering, one day at a time, from it.

And it seems as if it's mainly just your father that's acting this way. What about your mother? Try to reason with her and get her to understand how you feel. Maybe she's just scared of your father.

Anyway, well maybe it's best that you don't talk to them too soon. Maybe the silent treatment is good, but eventually you'll have to fix this.

You know what? My dad gets very angry alot of times, and i remember I tweezed my eyebrows back freshman year and he's like "WHAT DID YOU DO TO YOUR EYEBROWS?! DON'T EVER DO THAT AGAIN!" Honestly, does my eyebrows look like a whore or something? He acts as if only whores tweeze their eyebrows and dye their hair. My dad is crazy. My mother finally stood up to him and I backed her up. My father's done crazy things and he's hurt my family so much, but now that he hurt our family the most, my mother just ignores him while he's yelling. And I talk back to my father and cuss at him. He gets angry, but hey, personally I could care less. I realized that I shouldn't let one person affect my life so much.

I know there are times where you'd feel like you're all alone and no one's there to help you and no one is there to talk to about this, so all you can do is cry and want to die. Believe me, I've wanted to kill myself so many times... I've never actually done it, but often, in the past, I would be hold a knife and hold it right on top of my wrist, or while I look through the kithcen drawers and I'd find a butcher knife.. There's so many times where I'd feel like I should've ended my life.

But take it from a person who's had to deal with alot of family problems. I've even been in the situation where my father held a big sharp butcher knife 6 inches away from my face! I don't want sympathy from anyone. So don't feel alone in all of this. Currently, my father is away in Vietnam (his infidelity... how pathetic), so I don't have to deal with this. When uninspiredfae talked about good and bad parents, and in between, my father truly is a bad parent. He doesn't care about anything but himself, he's selfish. But my mother is in between, trying to be a good parent.

Just remember that in 3 years, you'll be 18. You'll be able to fully control your life and live life the way you want to. Remember that you have a future to look forward to, and don't let your parents get in the way. No one's perfect. Your father may get angry and always yell at you, but remember that in the future, you can always move far away from them.

And about eating. Don't stop eating. You're only hurting yourself. Not eating and cutting yourself is only making things worse.

Well I guess i can just hold this off for another while since i really don't know WHO to talk to, and about the counselors, i really don't want to miss my classes (I try to get the most of the hours in school), i mean, at least i wrote everything here on CB, it makes me feel a lot better. My dad doesn't approve of my eyebrows either and a lot of other stuff (sleepovers, hair, earrings, clothes....), traditionalism... I get pretty angry about it once in a while, but i get over it because i think of all the other people who are living in africa and stuff. My dad NEVER held the knife to my face, he wouldn't do something physically extreme, well, my grandfather did (let's not get into that)... But when he yells at me, it's like he is sometimes holding a knife to me mentally. I can't believe that he sometimes say these stuff, he would call me names, compare me to other asian kids, talk about how my future is going to be ruined, and i especially can't stand it when he talks about his own health and about how I am not obligated to stay in US... I mean, it really hurts my feelings, and whenever he is giving me these lectures, i just cry and concur with him on his points so he doesn't get overly angry for his own health.
My mom sacrificed her job to come here and supervise me on how i am doing in school, she is softer than my dad, she never tells me anything my dad tells me, but sometimes i just feel like she is constantly complaining about me. And well she is mostly on my dad's side because they both have one main goal: to make me a successful person. My mom doesn't really work well with my dad, and they argue a lot themselves, ever since i was in kindergarden, they would tell me that if it weren't for me, they would've been divorced long time ago. And so all i can do really is just listen to them and do what they want me to do and do good in school. I mean, i really have all these pressure building on top of me. i try to be perfect and i try to get involved in every single opportunity. Sometimes i just feel like i am suffocating. I mean, i think about all the stuff that i can do to myself (suicide..being anorexic...) and just like you, i've thought them through for multiple times, but after all, i am what i need to survive and if i am hurting myself things won't get better. So i try to hurt myself on a temporary basis sometimes, well even though i am probably not considering cutting ever again, cutting is actually a temporary situation since it heals up.

This post has been edited by xj_liana_tx: Dec 20 2004, 07:10 PM