Untitled poem I wrote, please comment |
 Nov 27 2004, 02:06 PM
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Senior Member  Group: Member Posts: 63 Joined: Nov 2004 Member No: 63,401  |
I try to tell you I am sorry
But you do not care I try to tell you that I am different Not really that way But you are too busy telling me What a horrible person I am You compare me to her As if that is possible And continue to tear me down Then the next minute You tell me you care for me So much, it's so real But then you swear, then you yell And I feel like I have finally seen hell You strangle me, you slit my throat With the words you use, to show how you hate me I am dying, you are killing me And I am pretty sure You don't even care This is to my ex-boyfriend. The "her" in this poem is my ex-best friend, who was the girl that he cheated on me, with. If that makes sense. So yeah leave comments please. Thanks. |
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Nov 27 2004, 05:53 PM
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 Bardic Nation Group: Member Posts: 1,113 Joined: Aug 2004 Member No: 38,059 |
Not to sound harsh, but try rewriting it a few more times. Well if i really look and mix a little imagination in to the mix and twist it around a bit and kinda cock my head you can sorta see a little poetic notions and inlaid emotions from within.
Ok to tell u, i was being a bit generous. that's just not poetic. Throw in some newer metaphors and make it a bit deeper. You're just skimming the edge. Dig deeper. You've taken the first step and have been able to express your emotions on paper. Now tell us what they are. In a word, CLICHE. |
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Posts in this topic
oO_BrItTiShBaBe_Oo Untitled poem I wrote Nov 27 2004, 02:06 PM
sweetxsimplicity I think it's good. =)
Maybe you should try rhy... Nov 27 2004, 02:29 PM fairy_princess Wow, i really really like that, partly because i c... Nov 27 2004, 02:45 PM
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