Unraveled Sensuality, Another Poem Options

[SteveObscure]

With your eyes alone, you could unravel sensuality within my deepest core.

Setting me ablaze in a string of muddled senses and obsucred emotions.

They explode inside of me, I feel them and cease to breathe.

Unaware of the fireworks that ignite beautifully inside of me within your presence you will no longer remain.

I'll unleash this beauty only for you.

It will dance around your heart in a chain of color.

Surround you and captivate your senses beyond the sheerest of bliss.

I send the love of someone like me to someone as beautiful as you.

I hope to receive and indulge in your love in return.




I pulled the title from the first line!!

[NatiMarie]

Hmm...
I like the message.
Definetly.
One thing I don't like: The structure.

You're bouncing off many walls and it's like compiling a bunch of words together. There's really no organization to it.

=\

I definetly like the adjectives you used. Not cliche at all. Let's see...

maybe this part could have been worded differently

I send the love of someone like me to someone as beautiful as you.

It's kind of awkward, but I can somewhat understand what you're trying to say.

Overall...good job, just the structure of it needs a bit more work.
=]