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Silly Dances, Critique?
Falon
post Sep 16 2004, 09:16 PM
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You went where you thought you'd find sanctity and privacy, or as much as you can in a crowd - which is a lot. You went where you thought you'd be free. You went where I never thought you'd go.


You asked me if I was going and I only laughed in your face. A silly dance isn't where you'll ever find me. At least, I think that's what I said. But you went without me; you said you thought it'd be fun and that I could join you there if I wanted. Once more I laughed at you. Silly dances.

But I did go. A friend or seven finally convinced me and off I went, keeping them happy and hoping to find you alone and pull you away for a few minutes of kissing away from the impervious crowd's eyes. I went because I thought it would make you happy too.

The ride was long and hot - 6 of us crowded into a car that was only meant to hold five, all of us trying not to mess up our clothes or hair, but sweating to death in that hot car, afraid to turn on the air conditioner for fear of the created breeze moving even a single detail out of place. Someone had their elbow jabbed into my ribs, annoying at first, but becoming a dull pain as my thoughts drifted away. Not even pain could have reached me then, wrapped up in my own musings and ponderances. Silly pain.

I didn't know it was so far away - maybe I would have declined and stayed at home in my cool room, blue in the morning's dawn and green in the fading twilight, with my dog by my side as we watched old “Cheer's” reruns. Maybe I never would have learned; my ignorance was my bliss. But I did go, and was happy to, thinking it would make you happy. But a sharper jab in my side stirred me awake from my thoughts - we were there. As I stepped out of the car, I stumbled and almost twisted my ankle for my heel caught the car’s edge at just the wrong moment. Silly rocks.

I recovered, and followed everyone else in, searching out your dark hair in the sea of paler hair fluctuating from colour to colour as the multicoloured lights hit them. I felt like I might be sick. Too many things were changing all at once, an overload of the mind. Right now, mine felt blue/purple/red/orange/yellow/green - changing with the strobing lights. Rainbows in my head do terrible things. Silly rainbows.

I finally found you and made my way closer, careful not to stare at the multicoloured hair as I passed, longing to keep whatever contents my stomach may have had - even if they were rainbow coloured too. But I stopped short when I saw you dancing. It wasn't your partner - no, I would have been fine seeing you dance with someone else, because I knew it made you happy but knew also that you’d stay true to me. It was the way you moved with them, pressing closer than you ever had with me that made me uncertain. But then I realized what I'd been blind to for a while, and turned away, wanting to go home. Your hand on his ass was too much for me.

Silly dances.
 
 
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Heathasm
post Sep 17 2004, 01:24 PM
Post #2


creepy heather
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hmmm..it'deffinately thought provoking but some what insignificant at the same time....the ending should be more and just not so much as a "omg she had her hand on his ass im leaving" sort of thing, or even better, go more into the realization you had about how you've been blind for so long about her....it's very clattered with words and repetative words at some times that can get annoying but also creates a similar mood to how you feel in the story
 

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Falon   Silly Dances   Sep 16 2004, 09:16 PM
Heathasm   hmmm..it'deffinately thought provoking but som...   Sep 17 2004, 01:24 PM


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