Recent Breakup, Just some advice please! Options

[ichidou]

Well, I recently broke up with my boyfriend, like three days ago. He was my first serious bf, and I've been really sad, even though I was the one who told him it was over. I don't know if its okay if I do that or not, consitering I dumped him. But I had very good reason, so don't flame me. Please tell me if its okay if I'm sad or not!

[*jimmyjackiechan*]

Of course YOU SHOULD feel sad. But don't worry. hear, let me look up in my interpersonal COmmunication class and tell u the stages u are gonna go through. (No one told me about this shiz until I just recently learned it)

This is Chapter 11 (de-escalating Relationships)

1st stage: Traumatic Event: Basically, the actual break-up, infidelity, ect

2nd stage: outcry: Person experience several emotions-Panic, despair, hopelessness, and exhaustion. This stage deals largely with the release of emotional tensions that inevitably follow traumatic experience.

3rd STage: Denial: The word does not really mean that, but the book explains it as, individual cuts off from others to be alone. Staying at home, avoiding people at church, school, work, so on. at this stage, the individual begins to think about the many reasons why the loving relationship soured. The interruption of daily routines facilitates thinking about why the relationship failed. Also, the depression the individual experiences at this stage facilitates a drive to come to closure, or coplete an explanation, so that the individual can close the door on the past and move on to new experiences and relationships. Maintinining avoidance and escapism, WITHOUT expressing grief openly or talking with others (friends) of why events happen can lead to a number of psychological problems.

4th stage: intrusion: IN the middle stages, individual experience INTRUSION, which is flooded states in which he or she cannot think about anything but the relational disangagement. For example: Although back at work/school, u resume ur daily normal life, but one might wake up in the middle of the night trying to reconcile the breakup with the wonderful romantic vacation the couple took months before the break-up OR an old song or movie is unexpectedly overwhelming and the person has to reconcile certain feelings. (basically, reoccuring thoughts go through ur mind all the time)

5th stage: Wokring-through stage The person provides explanations that complete the storied for various aspects on the relationship - the good & positive aspects, what went wrong, when things went wrong, denails and accepttances for blame and responsibility. Telling stories to others and getting feedback from them provides a reality check on the account process. Slef-esteem is bolstered and tension is released as one communicates and gets beyond bewildering thoughts * doubts. ( u basically say to ur self, it's ok now, and I know exactly what went wrong)

6th Stage: Completion & Identy Change:

Now u have developed coping skills and perhaps altered ur appearance. U might have changed personal habits, routines, and skills. An individual would try to portray a more positive image of self. trying to come out "as the better person"
Also, Goals might have changed from experience. Example: The last relationship ended because of a move and long distance relationship occured and things didnt work out, so in the future, u adapt and change and might consider going slower and to avoid long distant relationships.


What happens if you don't go through these stages or talk it out with people:

1. Persistence of negative emotions. (flodded states of guilt, depression, insomnia, hypertension)
2. Prolonged grief & anxiety and failure to learn * adapt to more realistic stanadrads or relational life. (intrusion stage would persist)
3. Last consquence. If individual place all the blame on the relational partner, fail to proceed though account-phase, and quickly return to dating, there is a GOOD CHANCE that they have not learned anything about themselves and dating. Such individuals will tend to date people who are quite similar to the partners thet just left and may end up in the same type of relationship from which they just ended.

Hope this helped and u read MOST of it.
The content i got his from is:

interpersonal Communication (third edition)
Authors: Daniel J. Canary and others~