breaking down over her, an email i just sent her Options

[deadsouls]

Yea... so my best friend, she's enganged, and she's getting really scared of things, because this other guy who is her ex still likes her and makes her feel like sh*t because she's marrying another guy (her current b/f ofcourse), and so she's kinda in freak-out-mode. She was already originally bi-polar/sucicial/depressive and stuff.

Now just so you know, I'm in South Carolina, and I might be moving down to Ft Worth in the next few weeks, and we're both kinda stressed over that too. She just got a job at a Mcdonalds, first one since a few months back. I was pretty happy for her. But uh, she quit hangin around this coffeehouse that me and our friends always go to. And well, it sucks alot.

Anyway, here's the email i sent her. I need your thoughts.


"hey, congrats on that job. I know it's not the best, but it's still a job
right? :-)

yea, so this is my new email that i'll be using from now on. It's actually
better than hotmail in some ways, but in some ways hotmail is better
because of more organizing options. but i dont need any of that junk.

umm.. im sorry, i know you didn't want me writing you anymore, and i am
always so bent on doing whatever makes you happy. but i'm burning up
inside. i know you're going through a really tough time with this marriage
and patrick and all that stuff. trust me, i know your getting scared of
things. i just wish i could see you up at this coffeehouse again. it feels
like i might as well be in texas lately, and i dont ever want to feel like
that. the weather lately, has taken me back to the time when we had first
met during the summer and fall. it feels like it's back then but i know its
not and you're not around anywhere, and... well it causes alot of heartache
i guess. it's not your fault, but that's just how things have felt lately,
and it sucks. now-a-days, people have things to do now. they're busy, and
even i am.. thing is im always busy here at this coffeehouse until i start
goin up to that new music 4-u studio. but yea... it's getting hard for me
too, and all i can ever think about is how relieved i would be about
everything if i could hang with you again.

im sorry, this letter must really hurt to read, it hurts like hell to even
write it, but i'm exploding to get it out. it always feels like home around
you, no matter where im at. everywhere else feels like i'm on another
planet and i'm being kidnapped and going to my doom... but when your around
me, its like im at home, and everything is great.

do you have any idea how long ive held all of this inside? it's gotten so
hard, and now its impossible. no, please don't think i'm trying to hit on
you and say i want you and all this. your my Friend. its just that you are
THAT kind of friend to me.

Every night I fall asleep with tears in my eyes thinking of how much I want
to see you in heaven after we're both dead. I feel like heaven wont be
heaven for me if you're not there. And I would go beyond anything to be
able to help you restore your faith in life and God (atleast any faith
you've lost, trust me, over all the things you've been going through since
and maybe before i met you, im sure life has done this to you).

But don't you understand? I've always believed in this bond we've had
between us. Not a g/f b/f bond, but a best friend bond. I dont know tho,
because althogh you're the closest friend I've really ever had, I know you
are alot closer to other people than me, and I guess I just need to accept
that and move on.

I'm sorry, I'll leave you alone now. And if you never want to see me again
because of all the heartache or whatever, I understand. But don't ever
forget, that I'll always love you, more than anything else in this world.

Bye."

[deadsouls]

look, i dont mean to make her look mean or bad because of certain things said in the letter.

she asked me not to email her a couple months ago during a convesation between me, her, and this other guy who was kinda insisting it after she had told him some of her emotional issues. So I havn't emailed her in months and never questioned it. But things have been gettin so hectic inside of me about my life and about hers that I didn't know what else to do.

I can't call her because she's never at home, never at her fiance's, and i dont know any other way to get in touch with her. She only pops up at the coffeehouse whenever I'm not there and it's most likely because of her fiance. And well, I wouldn't feel right asking her fiance to let her go to the coffeehouse because then he would get offended that I'm making it out to be like he really is keeping her from me.

But there are friends of her's that are talking down at her and her fiance about getting married because they both still have issues that they may need to get strait before jumping into something like marriage. Although their friends had some points, I personally think that her friends should let them work it out themselves unless they come to someone about it for better advise. Infact, one of the last times I got to actually talk to her, she asked me for some help and advise on it. Well you see, there's some lack of communication between her and her fiance and so I told her whatever she does, not to forget communication, its a very important part of what they're going through. That's one thing aside from lots of others.

But I'm just worried about her ya know? Everything seems to be keeping us apart and sometimes, I just get that feeling that even she is trying to avoid me or something because she probably still has that vibe that I'm trying to steal her away from her fiance or something.

It's just complicated. And I'm sorry... I'm bein such a damn panzy over it. I'll just shut up now.