I'm an X Options

[ilovesoup]

Now I have an idea why people make such big
deals about exes. Y'know ... stuff like, getting
over the ex. Dealing with the ex. Being friends
with the ex. Being the ex.

I am an ex.

I know that it's stupid -- and silly -- to sound
as if my whole life revolved around being
somebody's ex-girlfriend. But I can't help
it ... that title packs a pretty strong punch. I
am now and official member of the "love-and-
lost" club. And while it's a title I don't
exactly want, I have to admit that it does say
something about me.

I am an ex.

I once loved someone who loved me back. But he
didn't want to stay ... so I had to let him go.

I cried. A lot. I spent countless nights
wondering what went wrong, muffling my sobs with
my pillows so my parents wouldn't suspect that
something’s amiss.. I'd reminisce about our
happy times, then break down when I realize that
he’s no longer mine.. I analyzed every single
detail of our breakup.. I wrote long e-mails to
my closest friends. I talked endlessly about my
situation.. I spent my nights in tearful
telephone conversations and my days in daydreams
where we'd end up in each other's arms again..

Sometimes he’s still my angel, still my knight
in shining armor who I'd do anything for just to
have him back. But sometimes, I see him as the
devil
incarnate who broke my heart in the worst
possible way, and who deserved to be
horsewhipped at the very least.

I told myself that it was all for the better.
That this is what’s best for the both of us.
That this is God's plan. My friends offered
similar advice, none of which I hadn't heard
before: "It's a sign that you're not meant for
each other," "When God closes a door, He opens a
window," "Someone better is coming for
you," "There are so many other fish in the sea,"
etc..

But it didn't work. Because deep down, I still
believed that he is the one, the only one. And I
couldn't understand how this is all for the
better ... when everyday seemed more torturous
than the last ... not being able to be with him
the way I wanted to be, seeing him so
unaffected, and dealing with my broken-and-
smashed heart and my bruised ego.

I tried to immerse myself in other activities to
forget about him. I went out a lot and tire
myself to sleep. I filled my schedule with T.V.
and movie marathons, shopping sprees, and Music
Maniax. It worked for a while ... but then there
were times ? times when my mind was cleared of
the busy thoughts, I tried to occupy it with ?
that I would think of him. His memory would
sneak up to me on tiptoes, catching me in my
most vulnerable moments.

I tried to show the world that I am OK.. that I
am over him.. that it was fine just being
friends. I didn't go around with a big "X" on my
forehead, nor did I go around with puffy eyes
and tissue box. I tried to live my life as I
knew it before I met him. People thought that I
was doing great.

They heard me laugh and they saw me smile; I
seemed happy, they said; and I told myself that
I am. But in the solace of my room, where I
tried to organize my thoughts and sort out my
feelings, I had to admit to myself that I am not
truly happy. Because I am still yearning for
someone, and my heart still ached for something
that could not be.

It's been over a month now since we broke up..
Surprisingly, things have gotten better. I've
changed. Somewhere along the way, I realized
that he’s not the only one out there for me. I
also realized that there were valid, powerful
reasons why we split up.. And I've become
stronger, older, wiser.

He's changed as well -- when I look at him,
sometimes I still see the boy I fell in love
with. Sometimes I think that he's the same
person ... he still has the same goofy smile and
mischievous charm that I fell for, and I like to
believe that the rest of him is unchanged as
well. But then I take a closer look and I
realize that he HAS changed ... that I don't
know him anymore, not really ... not enough to
love and care for him as I once did.

I am an ex.

I've loved and lost. I've cried tears for the
things that were and that could have been.. I've
wrestled with intense feelings of love and hate,
of jealousy, of frustration.. I've
simultaneously taken down and brought up my
pride.. I've tried to rebuild my world without
the person whom it used to revolve around.. I've
tried to save myself from the depths of
depression and self-pity, and when I couldn't do
that, I turned to God for help..

I don't know exactly what I gained, or how much
I lost. Maybe someday it will all be clear to
me ... then again, maybe not.


I thought i kinda share it to u guys..
its kinda long hehehe.. sorry

[defjam_gangsta]

im glad everyone like it.. thanks a lot.. maybe we should start an organization and lets call it "The X" hahaha that would be cool and be all like proud screaming out loud and calling ourselves "IM AN EX" lol jk..
but seriously thanks.. from my

P.S
to defjam_gangsta u got a great story urself too

Greetings!!

i appreciate ya thoughts!! chin up k. maybe we can start da club ya know?!

CHEERS CB!!