I'm an X Options

[ilovesoup]

Now I have an idea why people make such big
deals about exes. Y'know ... stuff like, getting
over the ex. Dealing with the ex. Being friends
with the ex. Being the ex.

I am an ex.

I know that it's stupid -- and silly -- to sound
as if my whole life revolved around being
somebody's ex-girlfriend. But I can't help
it ... that title packs a pretty strong punch. I
am now and official member of the "love-and-
lost" club. And while it's a title I don't
exactly want, I have to admit that it does say
something about me.

I am an ex.

I once loved someone who loved me back. But he
didn't want to stay ... so I had to let him go.

I cried. A lot. I spent countless nights
wondering what went wrong, muffling my sobs with
my pillows so my parents wouldn't suspect that
something’s amiss.. I'd reminisce about our
happy times, then break down when I realize that
he’s no longer mine.. I analyzed every single
detail of our breakup.. I wrote long e-mails to
my closest friends. I talked endlessly about my
situation.. I spent my nights in tearful
telephone conversations and my days in daydreams
where we'd end up in each other's arms again..

Sometimes he’s still my angel, still my knight
in shining armor who I'd do anything for just to
have him back. But sometimes, I see him as the
devil
incarnate who broke my heart in the worst
possible way, and who deserved to be
horsewhipped at the very least.

I told myself that it was all for the better.
That this is what’s best for the both of us.
That this is God's plan. My friends offered
similar advice, none of which I hadn't heard
before: "It's a sign that you're not meant for
each other," "When God closes a door, He opens a
window," "Someone better is coming for
you," "There are so many other fish in the sea,"
etc..

But it didn't work. Because deep down, I still
believed that he is the one, the only one. And I
couldn't understand how this is all for the
better ... when everyday seemed more torturous
than the last ... not being able to be with him
the way I wanted to be, seeing him so
unaffected, and dealing with my broken-and-
smashed heart and my bruised ego.

I tried to immerse myself in other activities to
forget about him. I went out a lot and tire
myself to sleep. I filled my schedule with T.V.
and movie marathons, shopping sprees, and Music
Maniax. It worked for a while ... but then there
were times ? times when my mind was cleared of
the busy thoughts, I tried to occupy it with ?
that I would think of him. His memory would
sneak up to me on tiptoes, catching me in my
most vulnerable moments.

I tried to show the world that I am OK.. that I
am over him.. that it was fine just being
friends. I didn't go around with a big "X" on my
forehead, nor did I go around with puffy eyes
and tissue box. I tried to live my life as I
knew it before I met him. People thought that I
was doing great.

They heard me laugh and they saw me smile; I
seemed happy, they said; and I told myself that
I am. But in the solace of my room, where I
tried to organize my thoughts and sort out my
feelings, I had to admit to myself that I am not
truly happy. Because I am still yearning for
someone, and my heart still ached for something
that could not be.

It's been over a month now since we broke up..
Surprisingly, things have gotten better. I've
changed. Somewhere along the way, I realized
that he’s not the only one out there for me. I
also realized that there were valid, powerful
reasons why we split up.. And I've become
stronger, older, wiser.

He's changed as well -- when I look at him,
sometimes I still see the boy I fell in love
with. Sometimes I think that he's the same
person ... he still has the same goofy smile and
mischievous charm that I fell for, and I like to
believe that the rest of him is unchanged as
well. But then I take a closer look and I
realize that he HAS changed ... that I don't
know him anymore, not really ... not enough to
love and care for him as I once did.

I am an ex.

I've loved and lost. I've cried tears for the
things that were and that could have been.. I've
wrestled with intense feelings of love and hate,
of jealousy, of frustration.. I've
simultaneously taken down and brought up my
pride.. I've tried to rebuild my world without
the person whom it used to revolve around.. I've
tried to save myself from the depths of
depression and self-pity, and when I couldn't do
that, I turned to God for help..

I don't know exactly what I gained, or how much
I lost. Maybe someday it will all be clear to
me ... then again, maybe not.


I thought i kinda share it to u guys..
its kinda long hehehe.. sorry

[defjam_gangsta]

Greetings!!

first thing first. hats off to ya for sharing wit us part of ya life wit us. it takes guts to spill out everythin. and to a complete stranger no less. anyway, i must add in tat i feel for ya. all of us whom have went thru relationships, breakups and wat not, does experience things which books nor knowledge can teach us. experiences is wat made us pull thru. it makes ya wiser, stronger and more independant. well, at times.

anyway, since ya have shared wit us abt ya breakup. allow me to introduce to ya abt ma side of da story. ma x-boo was 5 yrs younger than me. despite havin conflicts on thoughts and wat not, we were togather for 11 mths. why 11 mths only?! coz we broke up on our 11th month. anyway, i was her 5th guy and she was ma first serious girl. i went out wit lots of girls back den and they were non-serious as dis one. the past were more like "no strings attached" or "one nite stand". tat kinda thingy. which is why i said she was ma first serious girl.

so, we were togather for 11 mths. (did i just repeat maself?!) anyway, we broke off. and when we broke off, everything just end there. i tried to keep in touch wit her. and she did tried to wit me. it was just like those once a week kinda conversation. anyway, da thought of patchin back wit her did played on ma mind. but wat i didn't expected was she was attached wit another guy right after our breakup. i found out thru da hard way. i was goin thru ma friendster's contact list. saw her profile. click on her frens. look thru her frens and i found dis guy who had her pic on instead. curious enuf, all his photos had hers. so i read thru her testimonials and boy was i in for a shock. doesn't take a genius to figure tat out. ma mind just crumbled!! why?! coz we told each other, no matter wat, we will wait for each other. and tat there will be no more to replace each other. well, tat's what she told me as well when we were togather. so rite now, those words just kept playin in ma mind. i was tellin maself tat i've lost. it's like may da best man win. anyway, da new guy i knew abt him. he's been tryin to woo her for da past 5 years. (notice how there are many things involving wit da 5?!). guess, he was successfully dis time round. da thing tat disappointed me was tat, she didn't even tell me abt it and she still deny abt it when i asked if she's seeing anyone?! finally when she realised i've found out abt it, she admit it. when asked why she didn't tell me, she said somethin abt why shld i know?! coz we are no longer togather. i was like "WTF!!" oh well, ever since den, i told her. since she is wit another guy rite now, i see maself as useless and no longer of any kind of service to her. coz i've always helped her wit her problems. be it wit skol, frens, family etc. and now, it's all OVER!! everything. so yeah.

anyway, i was referred as da X too when i bumped into her frens or something. i wonder wat's wit da title. i mean, yeah we were togather back den but now it's over and imma considered as an individual. so acknowledge me as who i am. as an individual. oh well. hope tat shed some light on wat imma goin thru. it's been almost 4 mths since da breakup. we broke up in March so tat would make it 4 mths.

so i guess tat's abt it den. i hope i didn't take too much of a space here. it's a bad habit of mine. when i start writin, i will just get carried away!! till den, imma single, available and ready to mingle!!

CHEERS CB!!