AM I A HORRIBLE PERSON?, well, am i? Options

[diezelbabygrl_xo...]

ok, lately i've been really depressed and everything- and i think the choices in life have made me weaker- wen i used 2 think they made me stronger. here is everything that has happened:
wen i was in 6th grade(wen i was 11) i met dis 14 year old guy at a highschool football game. his name is brandon. he was really cute-and i had a bf at that time- and he liked me. he was so sweet 2 me. so i went out wit him.
in 7th grade, we were still 2gether. but brandon seemed 2 change n gradually started 2 abuse me emotionally then physically. i never told anyone. i came 2 school wit bruises and cuts but i said i got it from 'accidents' i broke up wit brandon at the end of 7th grade.
then in 8th grade, i went out wit his cousin (whom i met at a party) his name was tom and he was 22 years old. i told him i was 17. he's in the navy(jus like my dad) and he treated me like a princess.
now movin on to friends- i had two bestfriends- meagan and doreen. one day i found out meagan had ripped off the beginning of my story and i confronted her. we got into a big fight and i told her to just drop our friendship bcuz i thot she waz talkin behind my back- and i dont need that sh*t, havin a backstabbing friend.
in late march on this year, i went 2 a party that brandon was at and he r@ped me. he didnt use a condom and i never told anyone. i thought i was pregnant tho im not, and eventually i told my friends.
i told doreen, chelC and ashley. doreen knows everythin but she didnt seem 2 care. chelC said she wanted 2 get pregnant 2 so i wouldnt b alone n ashley felt really bad.
but then i realized doreen was all tha sudden bein friends wit meagan (but she always talked behind her back b4) n den i thot, well if she used 2 talk behind meagan's back she mite talk behind my back 2 meagan, so i dropped my friendship wit doreen.
so i waz still wit tom n den he slapped me wen we were fightin so i said f*ck it, n i dumped him. he kept following me until i threatened to call the police n report him. then he said something real hurtful-"yur too g0ddamn independent, felicia. your gonna live yur life wit no1 to love and b alone forever, cuz u cant trust ne1."
i almost cried, and i've been called a b*tch, a whore, a slut, a tramp, etc. by my bestfriends, by strangers and by my family.
& now i have feelings that i want 2 jus have a baby, prove 2 every1 that i can take care of myself. & am i conceited? cuz i really do think im pretty, im not 1 of those girls who likes 2 call themselves fat or ugly. plus, i want 2 b a model or somethin- and i admire adriana lima, britney spears and xtina aguilera cuz i think if u have a great body, y not show it?? rite?
plus i cant even get a date- cuz im seriously not interested in guys my age. i jus like OLDER men. i mean ages 35-53. i think that is so sexy- serious italian men wit brooklyn accents...n bcuz of that i get called a tramp.
now i have no friends, all i ever do is write, i cant sleep, im not close 2 ne1...where did i go wrong?
sorry if this is 2 much, but i needed 2 tell sum1, n since i dont know u personally, u probably wont care enuf 2 tell ne1 else.
is bein independent wrong? cuz i believe u cant trust no1 if u cant even trust yur family.

[defjam_gangsta]

Greetings!!

i dun know if imma da right person to comment but i feel tat i need to answer da questions ya have posted out. i hope i didn't miss out on any queries.

first thing first. "am i a horrible person"?! definitely NO!! you are certainly not one and i dun see maself as one either. we are all born pure and innocent. we grew up in such an environment tat watever actions we took today will results in tml's agenda. dun blame yaself for all da "mistakes". circumstances made us to behave and react in da best matter we know best. tell me someone who is perfect. someone who doesn't made mistakes. marine known for their preicisions do made mistakes. tat's da thing abt us humans. we are weak. born weak. no matter how 'invicible' da person claims to be.

secondly, i feel tat ya did not have a happy upbringin or a happy childhood. it's gotta do something to do wit ya earlier part of ya life. i dun know wat's da reason and i dun know if ma thinkin is accurate but tat's how i see it. kinda sad though but i had da same thingy too. drunk & abusive father who doesn't show mercy on ma momma and ma two elder sistas. once i remembered, he grab ma momma by da hair and smash it against da dressing table mirror.

anyway, i feel tat da reason why ya went out wit older guys is tat ya would feel more secure. thinking tat matured and older guys can be more sensible and responsible in da relationship. unfortunately, not all guys are da same ya know. sometimes being older doesn't mean wise. ya gotta balance tat out yaself!!

abt da pregnancy thingy and gettin a baby won't prove tat ya independant and wat not. do ya realise da responsibilty of havin a baby. didn't ya notice it's a social problem of having unwed teens and young single parents. did ya notice abt da physical and mental trauma dis ppl have to go thru bcoz of "one moment of folly, lifetime of regret". it just goes to show how young and immature ya can get. pardon ma language but i just gotta get it across ya. i dun know ya but imma willing to help ya. as a mentor and counsellor in ma volunteer youth group, i feel tat i gotta give it to ya. and since i can't see ya face2face on a regular basis, i just felt tat dis is da best way for me to answer ya queries.

abt da r@p3 part. it's a serious offence especially if ya underage. imma not quite sure of da laws in ya state but here in singapore, it's a serious offence. da guilty party is liable to caning and imprisonment if found to have unconsented/consented sex wit a minor (16 yrs and below). i understand da stigma ya gonna face but it's da price to pay for justice. report it to da proper authorities. get support for yaself. ya can't fight a battle alone. ya need support. diff kind of support for diff kind of purpose.

da thingy abt ya girlfrens and all. kinda sad but dis is wat ya get when da world is filled wit masquerades (sp?!). if they are ya frens, they will walk tat lonely road wit ya. they will catch ya when ya fall. hold ya hand when ya gettin dizzy. laugh wit ya on ya joyous occasions and cry wit ya on da darkest moments. it ain't easy to find out but ya best fren is out there waiting to be reached!! take note tat, if ya can't find someone to talk to, da guys here in CB are willing to lend a listening ear and give a helpin hand. ya can look up to those who have given da comments to ya 'topic' here. dis goes to show ppl do care and also there have been some who mentioned abt hooking up wit dem coz they went thru a similiar past.

havin a boyfren or not isn't gonna make a difference. and goin out wit a 30-35 yr old guy won't be much different. he can even pass off as ya dad!! no matter how sexy an italian guy can be (no offence here!!) but uf he can't take care of ya needs, in terms of emotion, physical and mental, wat's da point of having a guy?! look at me. imma single, available and ready to mingle.

just a suggestion though. ya might not trust guys or wat. and i dun blame ya either for wat those guys ya have met had made ya gone thru. still, ya gotta give chance to life itself. even God is compassionate. so why dun ya get a new hobby. volunteer yaself in a self-help group or someting. join a support group. reach out to others who are vulnerable. help prevent such undesirable things from happening. like i mentioned earlier on, imma a volunteer, a mentor, a counsellor and an all rounder wit ma youth group. and thru dis group, i've met wonderful ppl. colorful characters. ppl whom ya can depend on. give it a thought will ya?!

oh well. i hope i've done ma part. if there's anything, ya can always get back to us here. we hope to hear wonderful news from ya again. till da next time aight?!

ma prayers and best wishes are wit ya. always.

p.s: apolgies guys if i wrote a long way!! cheers aight CB!!