Depression Kills??, My First writing piece...it needs work Options

[Squeegie]

THIS NEEDS ALLLOOOT OF WORK

but i wrote it for a band i know and it will be one of their songs when im done iwth it

some of the lines should be edited i know but can you please help me with some suggestions?? thnx

lol oops
for got to put it in.... look below

[greeneggs]

ooh nice poem. i put a star on the lines that don't sound right to me. sorry if im not much help..

Depression Kills
By: Devin Galloway

I'm going to shout out in pain
You always make me feel in vane
Why do you do this to me so
*Im going rest on the pillow (diff word other then pillow? maybe)

I just feel like dieing
*cause trying to get you is like flying (doesn't really make sense. maybe like cause getting you is like trying to fly? uhh..nvm about that line haha, im bad at poetry)
You're making me want to slit my wrists
But I can't as long as you exist

I'm srry for all I've ever done
All I feel is like i should be gone
But I know I cannot go
*Cause it just does not flow (umm...does not flow? maybe diff. line?)

Strung out, Cut up
The voices wont shutup


anyway, nice poem! (is it a poem? )

same. the pillow line doesnt fit in the poem. haha