AM I A HORRIBLE PERSON?, well, am i? Options

[diezelbabygrl_xo...]

ok, lately i've been really depressed and everything- and i think the choices in life have made me weaker- wen i used 2 think they made me stronger. here is everything that has happened:
wen i was in 6th grade(wen i was 11) i met dis 14 year old guy at a highschool football game. his name is brandon. he was really cute-and i had a bf at that time- and he liked me. he was so sweet 2 me. so i went out wit him.
in 7th grade, we were still 2gether. but brandon seemed 2 change n gradually started 2 abuse me emotionally then physically. i never told anyone. i came 2 school wit bruises and cuts but i said i got it from 'accidents' i broke up wit brandon at the end of 7th grade.
then in 8th grade, i went out wit his cousin (whom i met at a party) his name was tom and he was 22 years old. i told him i was 17. he's in the navy(jus like my dad) and he treated me like a princess.
now movin on to friends- i had two bestfriends- meagan and doreen. one day i found out meagan had ripped off the beginning of my story and i confronted her. we got into a big fight and i told her to just drop our friendship bcuz i thot she waz talkin behind my back- and i dont need that sh*t, havin a backstabbing friend.
in late march on this year, i went 2 a party that brandon was at and he r@ped me. he didnt use a condom and i never told anyone. i thought i was pregnant tho im not, and eventually i told my friends.
i told doreen, chelC and ashley. doreen knows everythin but she didnt seem 2 care. chelC said she wanted 2 get pregnant 2 so i wouldnt b alone n ashley felt really bad.
but then i realized doreen was all tha sudden bein friends wit meagan (but she always talked behind her back b4) n den i thot, well if she used 2 talk behind meagan's back she mite talk behind my back 2 meagan, so i dropped my friendship wit doreen.
so i waz still wit tom n den he slapped me wen we were fightin so i said f*ck it, n i dumped him. he kept following me until i threatened to call the police n report him. then he said something real hurtful-"yur too g0ddamn independent, felicia. your gonna live yur life wit no1 to love and b alone forever, cuz u cant trust ne1."
i almost cried, and i've been called a b*tch, a whore, a slut, a tramp, etc. by my bestfriends, by strangers and by my family.
& now i have feelings that i want 2 jus have a baby, prove 2 every1 that i can take care of myself. & am i conceited? cuz i really do think im pretty, im not 1 of those girls who likes 2 call themselves fat or ugly. plus, i want 2 b a model or somethin- and i admire adriana lima, britney spears and xtina aguilera cuz i think if u have a great body, y not show it?? rite?
plus i cant even get a date- cuz im seriously not interested in guys my age. i jus like OLDER men. i mean ages 35-53. i think that is so sexy- serious italian men wit brooklyn accents...n bcuz of that i get called a tramp.
now i have no friends, all i ever do is write, i cant sleep, im not close 2 ne1...where did i go wrong?
sorry if this is 2 much, but i needed 2 tell sum1, n since i dont know u personally, u probably wont care enuf 2 tell ne1 else.
is bein independent wrong? cuz i believe u cant trust no1 if u cant even trust yur family.

[*jooleeah*]

iTs eMiLeE Posted on Jul 7 2004, 11:42 AM
  woahhhhhhhhhhhhh 

uT oH iiTs sTePh Posted on Jul 7 2004, 9:21 AM
  yes 

um please, no spam.

you're not a horrible person. and, i don't think having a baby is the right choice....it'll be way too hard for you since you are young, and you wouldn't have too much support anyway you know? since you've said your friends and family don't help.