Createblog Diary Options

[faithin_felix]

so people can post here more than once. perhaps once everyday and share your day with fellow createbloggers. So write your day and what did you do?

[crazeegirl411]

Dear createBlog Diary,
I hate "selfish." I think I hated it more than I thought I would. It's another factor to why I hate myself so much. Because I feel so selfish. And then I have to contradict with myself...when they're sad I'm sad, when they're happy I'm happy. But that's not what it seems. It's natural, and I hate that. I have no say on my emotions. I have no power over how I feel or what kind of a person I am. It's like I'm being pushed here or there by everyone. I feel abused. I feel unlike myself, and incomplete. Lost...but never found. I want to know the feeling of being found again. But then...I'll be let down once again. Like any other time.

I've slipped myself away from reality again. I told myself last time, "not again...not again..." but I can't help it. Who could resist? That true appreciation given. That's the point though. It's not TRUE appreciation. They'll forget you. They'll change. They won't talk to you. Everything will fade and you will ponder to yourself why you fell in that trap. Again. I HATE IT I HATE IT!!!

Surely someone will kill me. Surely someone will believe me when I tell them what a selfish little whore I am. Surely someone will tell me I am one. So I don't have to "pretend." So I don't have to keep it inside so much. So I don't have to feel so trapped inside myself. I want to tell someone. I want to tell someone all of this. I want to tell someone about this pain that's never going to stop. Ever. Every second. I can't stop fighting with myself. I can't get over this. I feel horrible. No matter how many times I smile...it couldn't replace anything. It couldn't erase anything. I'm not the person I pose to be.

Why, f*ck it, I'm a hypocrite. I'm a f*cking poser. I hate for caring how the world thinks about me. Why am I caring? Why do I give a damn? Why can't I just let it all out of who I am and all the crap that's in me? Someone I don't know is taking over me. I hate everything that I am right now. I hate selfish people. I hate posers. I hate people who say "I hate...". I hate jealous people. I hate it. I hate lazy people. I hate me.

I seriously want someone to kill me. Run me over. Jump out the street. I'm not that strong. I'm just really weak. Like people always tell me. Like my "friends" always tell me. Even her. I'm even believing someone I loathe the most besides me. She says I'm too emotional. I laugh at her for hating me because I'm too emotional. But I laugh at myself because I'm hating myself for the same f*ckin thing. Everyone's been telling me the answer my whole life.

Even my sister hates me. She could stand everyone but me. I don't see how we're siblings. I don't see how we're related. I don't see how I'm related to anyone. I don't get along with anyone. I can't...do it. I don't feel love. Not anymore. I've had the lack of it for so long...I just feel lost and unloved again even if you shower me with the most care and love you could muster.

I feel hopeless. I feel like it's never going to end. It's been going on for 14 years. I feel like it's going to be too long. I'm dreading it. I'm dreading the rest. I feel like a failure. Worthless. Crap. Sh*t. What's wrong with me? Don't I have a normal and good enough life? Why do I have such a f*cked up mind?

I'm going crazy. And when nobody takes me seriously, I go even more crazier.

I wish I could tell someone. It's really painful. Really...painful. I want someone to kill me.

I don't feel like going out tomorrow. I don't feel like seeing anyone anymore. I feel like trapping myself and just cry. Cry. And wish to die.