Reidar, glorious philanthropist. Options

[Reidar]

I caught this moron bird in my garage. It's either a juvenile sparrow or a pussy adult who can't fly. It doesn't appear to be injured.

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Then the ***hole decided to get cozy and sleep on my hand.

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At this point I was fighting an insatiable urge to pop it in my mouth for a fresh source of protein, but I already have a meaty dinner lined up so the sucker gets off easy tonight. Instead, I decided to take advantage of the moment for propaganda purposes and to give the illusion of being a caring animal-rights advocate by building a makeshift shelter for it, where it quickly fell back asleep.

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It doesn't respond to English, so my best surmise at the moment is that it's a Soviet spy. I'll keep tabs on it closely. Any suggestions on how the Geneva Convention deductions on torture apply to captured birds? I think I could glean some information out of it by making it listen to Noam Chomsky lectures for an hour.

[Reidar]

He's finally with his own kind. I went down into the garage earlier this afternoon and Bird was chirping up a storm from inside the box. A couple of birds outside were doing the same. I told Bird not to listen to them and that they're just jealous that he's come under my wing now and that I make bird puns like that to him and only him. Bird's training was supposed to begin today so I thought we'd start by playing fetch. I took a stick, showed him it, and threw it pretty far outside. Then, I let Bird half-fly (he can flutter for a little before going down to the ground) over to it. He kept going. And going. And he went way past the stick. And going. And then this bigger bird suddenly ran up to him, chirped, and made it follow him. Now he's gone.

What a dumb bird.