where you've been, where you're going Options

[batman]

In the years you've been alive, what was your favorite age to have lived?
In the years you have yet to live, what is the age you are looking forward to the most?

[gojira]

is dis it?

Internet White Knight

Someone who stands up for girls on the internet they barely know, hopefully so they can engage in sexually intercourse with them. Usually males. They are douches who can't get none in real life

via




Here is where we run into problems. While any sane person understands the value of a good e-thrashing and the positive effects it can have on an impressionable young female, there are others who feel the Internet should be a kinder, gentler place. While I hate to make cliché generalizations about Internet users, this is likely because the closest they've ever come to sexual contact with a female was when they discovered lipstick worked well as hand decoration and lubricant. These, kind readers, are Internet White Knights.

To the Internet White Knight nothing is more enticing than the thought of a distressed female. If they remove the cause of the distress, they reason, they can then engage in sexual intercourse with the female in question. It doesn't matter if one party is in New York and the other is in California: The Internet White Knight firmly believes he could trip, fall 3,000 horizontal miles, and land dick-first in a pile of chubby Internet pussy.

The Internet White Knight's inability to touch women and penchant for spending hours a day defending them online are eternally intertwined, much like the Yin and the Yang. "The last word" is an alien phrase to a white knight. He will argue until he is out of breath – not from talking, mind you, but from typing so furiously the Cheeto dust on his keyboard dislodges and aggravates his asthma – to defend the virtue of his fair Internet maiden. No argument goes unchecked. No criticism goes unscrutinized. If the web is his steed the white knight's sword is his penis, and every pissing match, no matter how small, is as important as a presidential election, the Super Bowl, and World War III combined.

To accomplish his goal a White Knight will engage his enemy in a war of attrition and vernacular. No matter how ugly, no matter how goddamn horribly dogged a female may be, she still has a vagina. This is all the encouragement a white knight needs. After he has murdered logic and buried it deep within the folds under his lady's stubbled armpit, he will employ his stunning use of vocabulary to win the battle. They are designed not only to make his opponent look like an idiot, but to score brownie (or in this case, tuna) points with the woman he defends. If you ever find yourself wrapped up in a fierce war of words with an Internet White Knight, please find the nearest shotgun and pray to christ your big toe is flexible enough to operate a trigger. If that fails to work for whatever reason, feel free to consult this list of common terms:

"Nice eyes": On the off chance there's still a female or two reading this article, I'd like to note that if you ever post your picture on the Internet and someone compliments your "nice eyes" you're better off displaying them through holes in a paper bag. A full-body paper bag. Preferably a full-body paper bag that creates the illusion of a shape that isn't "sphere". Internet White Knights are incredibly adept at finding positive things about repulsive people, and if all they can find to compliment are your eyes chances are even he wants to take an ice pick to his.

"Curvy": Fat. Internet White Knights fail to discount "curves" that bend outwards. Be careful, though: If she has scoliosis he may be talking about the curvature of her spine. If she's cocking her head (or the upper half of her torso) in her photos, you may want to concede this point. If you poke her in the back she should turn around and slap you, not fall down and have a seizure.

"Soft features:" The girl is like a memory foam mattress covered in coins, crumbs, toy cars, and other things she picked up laying on the couch. Ricki Lake's face is more angular than hers. With some practice she may be able to fend off attackers by catching their fists in her pliable flesh, much like the T-1000 in "Terminator 2". The average monster truck would get hung up if it ran over her.

"Has a great sense of humor:" Apparently God does, too.

"Very Friendly": Often said in the same tone as embarrassed dog owners hosting a dinner party. Has to convince you she is worth your time instead of the other way around. This is not a good sign. Likely works a receptionist/secretary job. Has survived three stabbings by disgruntled employees. Goes out of her way to explain ensuing scars are not from C-sections.

"Open minded": Will do anal. Will likely cheat on you with a black man. Possibly a black woman, depending on how "open minded" she is. The woman will be horribly ugly so don't get your hopes up. Had so many penises inside her at once her vagina resembled an overstuffed quiver with a butterfly tattooed on it. Now it looks like a canned ham someone dropped off a building and stomped with a pair of cleats for good measure.

While that list may sound horribly misogynist in and of itself, it's only fair to point out that these are the types of female an Internet White Knight will defend. It doesn't matter what is wrong with the girl, he will argue for her virtue until his face is as blue as his sodium-swollen ankles. This is because the Internet White Knight's sense of morality is almost as skewed as his sense of indignity. To them, seeing a guy ripping on a girl, no matter how haggard she is, is like watching an ogre stomp a defenseless baby. A baby he could potentially defend and claim as his own. Even Zack "Geist Editor" Parsons drew a shitstorm for this excellent article, from people who honestly believed the girl in question was "beautiful in her own way". I guarantee you half of her would-be guardians fought for her because her face strongly resembled a second vagina.

If you've noticed a lot of anger towards the SA Forums in this update it's because a small number of forum members (known as "Goons") are big idiots. Ha! Just kidding. All goons are idiots. The minority I'm talking about are idiots with no standards. This is a huge distinction. The average goon may post a thread saying "If this reaches 1,000 posts I'll solder my genitals to a pewter statue of Jesus", but he wouldn't put that same solder-scarred package anywhere near the kind of a girl an Internet White Knight would defend.

via