An Insight Into My Mind... Options

[Firiath]

Sometimes its so hard to remember who you are with people backstabbing you and telling you how to rule your life through a series of insults, bringing down your defenses. They tell you all these lies that you can ignore at the beginning. The thing is, after you hear them enough, they start becoming real by seeping into your brain and slowly convincing you that you aren't worth anything. They pretend they don't see you hurting and laugh at you behind your back.

God, that happened to me. All my life I was told that I was ugly, fat and I would never amount to anything - a failure in life. I drew into my own world so much that I didn't care what was happening on the outside. I was so numb to everything that I didn't even feel the pain until it hit me in the face. A smile became painful, a laugh became unbearable. I cried myself to sleep so many nights. I expressed myself through my writing and drawings but it wasn't enough. Everybody kept taunting me and holding me back from realizing my true potential. Sure, on the outside I was picture perfect - outstanding grades, parents who payed for everything I needed - a comfortable life in peoples eyes. They never saw the mess I was inside. My grades were natural to me but they were never enough for my parents. My parents, who seemed nice and friendly to everybody, broke me down. They told me everything I liked and wanted in life were stupid, they told me that I wouldn't amount to anything if I didn't follow every single one of their stupid rules. They would call me ugly and worthless, they even allowed my sister to torture my already abused mind further. On the outside, I pretended not to care. On the inside, I was bleeding and I was shouting out to them, asking them to realize the damage they were doing. I never let the see me cry - in my eyes, it was weak. I would just become more of a failure to them if they found out. It got to the point where I started thinking what life could hold for me, even if I did manage to break free of them. I could only see darkness, nothingness. My parents words had finally took their toll on me and I couldn't break free of that mentality. I started considering mutilation and suicide, but something inside of me revolted away from that train of thought.

I guess the way I got out of that was by realizing that even if everybody seemed against me, there was always someone willing to stand by and help me. For me, that person gave me the strength to keep on going - he gave me a reason to smile each day. Some people dont like him because of the way he acts. Hes really quiet and he seems rude at times but to me, its something I like about him. It reminds me that we're all mortal - we make mistakes. Now Ive realized that it isn't the end of the world when you make a mistake because that's what makes us real. To live in a plastic world where everything is perfect and goes to plan is impossible. Not only that but it would also be very boring. I love all the flaws that make this world because I guess I understand why there needs to be a flaw in everything. The most beautiful of diamonds could have a flaw that made it even more beautiful in someone's eyes.


Yeahh. *ahem*
So very serious.
Ish scareh. xDDDD

[creole]

People: There will ALWAYS be people talking behind your back or making fun of you. Ranges are from a homeless guy being laughed at for not having shelter to Paris Hilton having her BFF talk shit behind her to the Media. If you have friends that do this you, are they really your friends? Or are you just a target to them? You should choose your friends more wisely.

Family: Family members are suppose to be supportive and caring. Sometimes they kid around with jokes, but those remarks are suppose to make you feel better. Obviously, if you're being tortured by your own family, then if you feel so, you should move somewhere safer. They will realize that without you, they're just screwed. PLUS, if they made you feel like shit so much, shouldn't you shed a tear? That will show a sign to tell them to stop.

Special One: Congratulations. I hope the best goes for you. If he was rude, I hope you mean he's not obnoxious to you. If he's rude to others, maybe you should calm him down a bit. Don't discipline him to hard, because you said he's
"the strength to keep me going".

Summarize: I think you need to talk to a counselor or someone who will trust you. Maybe you should write your daily entries into a journal? Whatever you do, I hope you feel better and make the right decisions.





EDIT: I realized this was in the writing sub-forum. The writing seems dark and hallow, but your usage of style keeps the reader interested.