Honestly,what do you think, Song i'm currently writing Options

[NismoYo]

I'm writing this song, and hoping some singer out there would like it and record it. but before I expose it to any artist, i would like to get some opinion on it..be honest.. its incomplete..

My Memories Ghost

Remember, how we held each other
With the lights on low (chop and screw)
Now its over, I'm holding myself together
While the Temperature turns Firo (Spanish for cold)
the Pictures, start flipping, all of a sudden
I hear you talking out of my ear
Damn!, am I going insane
Or I see You by my door
looking back at me (back at me)
With them eyes that I use to adore

can't I let go, of what I use to hold
Move on , the time doesn't stops for my heart
Why your so cold, you left these memories to haunts my soul
Your gone, but it feels like we're never part

[*Krisaweanie*]

first of all your signature slowed down my browser. just thought you should know.

as for the writing, the style isn't certain.
you are all over the place.
why are you placing a spanish word in the song?
for all intents and purposeness, maintain it throughout the song, or a person, such as I, reading you're lyrics would believe that you just stuck that word in due to lack of vocabulary variety knowledge.

The bulk of your song is written in the style of
'stream of consciousness,' However you would then jump into
talking to this girl. If you do so, retain a pattern.
because right now you're verses look like a scrambled mess because of it.

and with the song title of 'Memories of ghost,' it's quite obtuse that you had only one memory on there.

get familiar with metrical feets, for it would help you with writing songs
especially in the style that complements rap. Tupac is extremely good at this.
Preview his songs for sources.

Mind you, this is all critical reception i am giving.

other than that, great effort.

[NismoYo]

first of all your signature slowed down my browser. just thought you should know.

as for the writing, the style isn't certain.
you are all over the place.
why are you placing a spanish word in the song?
for all intents and purposeness, maintain it throughout the song, or a person, such as I, reading you're lyrics would believe that you just stuck that word in due to lack of vocabulary variety knowledge.

The bulk of your song is written in the style of
'stream of consciousness,' However you would then jump into
talking to this girl. If you do so, retain a pattern.
because right now you're verses look like a scrambled mess because of it.

and with the song title of 'Memories of ghost,' it's quite obtuse that you had only one memory on there.

get familiar with metrical feets, for it would help you with writing songs
especially in the style that complements rap. Tupac is extremely good at this.
Preview his songs for sources.

Mind you, this is all critical reception i am giving.

other than that, great effort.

good feedback.
I was watching ghost hunters one night, and I just got a idea in my head
Memories that lingers just like a ghost...
so i guess i need to revise this =]
thanks agian