Oh Im so confused! Options

[loveneko]

The answer to this may or may not be easy to give.

So I’ve been friend with Kwame since Freshman year of High School, back then of course he was fat, and I was never been fond of overweight guys, but I found myself liking him regardless.
He was infatuated with my best friend.
For two years our friends prodded us about dating each other, there was some sort of veil between us. We'd bicker and play around with each other; he never knew that I liked him. I never knew if he liked me.
It hurt my feelings that he would like other girls over me. I was always the Plain Jane. The girl in the background that no-one ever went chasing after first. So I'd watch, as he chased after girls. I'd encourage and reassure him - "maybe next time". On the inside I wish he'd just stop chasing after them and realize I was right in front of his face.
It hurt me so much that he'd chase after these girls that I just couldn't keep hanging out with him so much. So I started dating other guys. I went out with a guy, Nathan, for two years, but I still kept in touch with Kwame. My easy way out of course, now I was with someone who went chasing after me first.
Nathan and I didn't work out, I’ll always remember him. He was a powerful, sexual, masculine being (but of course, I’m getting off topic and that’s not the point).
So I started dating Denny. Denny and I have been going out for 2 years now. But I still have feelings for Kwame. I always have. Denny was able to keep my attention away from Kwame. I still went out to plays and such things with Kwame, and a few friends, as insurance of course. Then Denny moved away.
We're going off to college. Kwame is applying to Columbia, and I'm trying to get into The Sophie Davis School of Biomedical Studies and then Dartmouth. Kwame wants to go to Sophie Davis as well and is seriously considering it because I'll be there.
Last week I told Kwame how I've felt about him for the past four years. He likes another girl, and he hasn't gotten any response from her as to if she feels the same way about him. I haven’t gotten a response in regards to how he feels about me. I don’t want one.
I love Denny, but I’ve had feelings for Kwame for such a long time and it's building up every day. I try to control myself, but it’s getting harder, especially now that he knows how I feel.
This thing that we have going on, is like some rude parallelogram. Denny chases me, I chase Kwame and Kwame chases Karla (The girl). I compete with her every day. She isn’t in any of my advanced classes; I just want to show Kwame that I’m smarter than she is and the better choice.
Well I guess the point is, I want him, (Kwame) and I’ve told him. I want him but I don’t want a real relationship with him. I just want something spontaneous because I know I can’t trust him, he's too free spirited, too untamed. I still want him, passionately, regrettably, unconsciously. But is it worth it? Should I do it? Should I want until we're close to leaving for college? Or should I do it now, so that in a few months, I'll capture him and take him with me as my own? But what about Denny? He isn't here, he's in college right now, with new people. He still loves me, he still wants me and I want him but I want someone else as well. I want Denny for the future. I want Kwame now. What should I do?

[loveneko]

You know I have to say, posting things up here works so well for me, because after I read your comments I really start to come back to my own senses.
I shouldn't be chasing after Kwame, I shouldn't be so weak. I have a great guy already who I dont want to lose. Liking Kwame was a weak moment, and I have got to man it up and get over him.

don't leave the one you love for the one you like...because the one you like will leave you for the one they love'


This is the comment that really did it for me.

Reason for edit: posts merged. -karmakiller