Identity and Sexuality Options

[only-tuesdays]

This semester I'm taking a course on Sex and Gender. It's very very interesting, I've already learned so much. I have to write a paper this week on my identity and sexuality. So I was curious about everyone else. Here is the assignment, since she words it a hell of a lot better than I can. :P

Females: What do you believe to be true regarding being a woman? How do you define your femininity and how do you express it? Males: What do you believe to be true regarding being a man? How do you define your masculinity and how do you express it?

What values do you hold based on those beliefs?

Discuss where you think these beliefs and values came from such as family, religion, community, peers, or some combination. Have any of the following also shaped your identity: your ethnicity/race, social class, physical dis/abilities and/or age.

Identity Role- How an individual defines him/herself as a man or woman. An internal sense of self. What a culture determines as "normal: for men and women in a society. We learn from family peers, education and the media regarding sex and gender norms.

[Tung]

I've already took a course like that, and done one myself. I recommend you reading this Thomas.

My Sexual Autobiography
By tung Vo


When I think about sex, I think of it as something that is all around us today. Even when you don’t think about sex, there’s always some kind of sexual situation that is happening, but you might not notice. I personally believe that sex plays one of the biggest roles in our daily lives. However what exactly is sex? I suppose that there is no straightforward definition on what it is, as sex is more of a personal opinion and everyone has their own definition of what it is. Everyone, including myself all have different sexual views because of how we were raised up and the culture we were brought into, our own personal values and beliefs, media influences, and lastly the sexual experiences we experience throughout our life.

As a kid, around the age of 8-9 years old, impressively, I already knew a lot about sex for my age believe it or not. Of course I didn’t know the full details about what sex really is, but I got the general idea what it was. At this age, I got the general idea that sex was about a guy and a girl being naked while the guy has his penis in the girl’s vagina. I’m raised in a family of immigrants. My family moved to California from Vietnam. However, I was born in Hong Kong before we moved to California, when I was about 2 months old, so I wouldn’t consider myself an immigrant. Growing up, my parents never talked about sex, or any sexual related subjects. I honestly never knew why they didn’t discuss it when I was younger. I always had the assumption that it was too hard and awkward talking about it to their 8 year old son. When I think about being in their position I never blamed them, and I understood why they never talked about it. I always see those family movies, where the parents usually talk about the birds and the bees to their kids. I always thought that was something my parents would do with me, but it never happened. When I think about it now, I think this is more of an American culture to talk to your kids about it, as my family didn’t had that type of culture where you openly talk about sex like that, especially that young. Even today, my family never talks about sex ever. It is too much of a personal and intimate topic to talk about. Some of it has to do with the culture I grew up and the parents I had. However, I could also say I’m not as close to my parents as I would want to be. Maybe if I had been closer to them, and brought up the subject of sex to them, then they most likely would have to talk about it. Even for me, talking about sex to my parents would be a very embarrassing thing for me, and I view sex as something enigmatic and I didn’t want my parents to be a part of my sex life. I remembered as a kid I would watch shows on TV that had sexual references in them, and I would go around sneaking when my parents weren’t home. It was something I enjoyed looking at, and at the time, I had no idea why I liked it. At this young age, I always thought of it as of high regard, and should only be seen and experienced when you are an adult. To see these images at such a young age, I thought it was committing a sin, and it was the reason why I did it secretively.

Being in a family that never talked about anything sexually related I had to learn about it on my own. I probably knew a lot more about it than my fellow classmates back in school. Throughout my school years, I had about 3 different classes that talked about sexually related subjects before taking this class. Our family moved around a lot, and I attended many schools, so I sometimes had to take the required sex ed classes again. My first sex ed class I took was in 5th grade, and that was when I started learning the details about the sexual anatomy of the human body. The class never fazed me as much, as I was still too young to really grasp what our teacher was teaching us. I was more amazed and confused about what all these things were. I had another sex ed class in 7th grade where I was more mentally ready for what I was going to learn. This was when I started going through puberty, so having this class was good for me, as it would answer the questions that I was confused about, which were the changes that were occurring to my body. We had a baby experiment, where we all had to take care of a toy baby for 3 days, and it was one of those dolls that was battery operated and cried really loudly. I remembered those nights where I had to wake up at 4am in the morning because the toy baby had gone off so I had to take care of it so it wouldn’t cry anymore. It was an experience I hated, and it gave me second thoughts on wanting to have sex, as I knew you get babies from having sex. Even though I learned a lot from these classes, it was I who made me who I am. I had my own personal beliefs about sex, and I had different views on it than most people. Lot’s of my friends joke around about it, but I can say I was more reserved when I talk about these things. In the end, it was all of these classes and the things I learned on my own, which made me the sexual person I am today.

The media’s perception and how they portrayed sex was something that immensely shaped my sexual life. If it wasn’t for the images I see in magazines, the videos I see online, or what they show on TV, I may very well be obsolete about sex. As a kid, Baywatch was probably one of the most popular shows that had a lot of sexual references in it. There were many girls in bikinis and swimsuits, with large busts, and I enjoyed it. The magazines I saw had a lot of girls in sexual poses and it was something I also like. It however showed many girls in a degrading manner and they were treated like objects, and it was something girls were suppose to do. I always believed this to be true when I was younger, but as I grew older, that changed somewhat. I respect females more and I don’t believe everything the media says, but there’s always going to be a little influence to my thinking because of the media.

Of course, like any other guy, I’ve seen some pornography in my lifetime, and the things I see, are what I expect when I have sex. This caused to my disappointment when I had sex for the first time. I expected my sex partner to have bigger breasts and to not be as hairy down there then it was. The things I seen in porn was how easily the guy went about his business and how much enjoyment the girl had. I thought this was going to happen, but this wasn’t the case as it was much different. My first time, was also my partner’s first time, and I we didn’t had an easy time starting it like in the things I saw. It was extremely awkward for the both of us, and we both weren’t enjoying it as much as I thought we would. She would constantly tell me to stop throughout the process, but then we would then go at it again. The things I seen, I would have thought she would enjoy it, but she didn’t. This experience changed my sexual life dramatically, as I was confused as to why she didn’t enjoy it. It was until way later, I found out that since it was her first time as well, and for girls, it usually hurts the first couple of times when they have sexual intercourse. However, because of my first sexual encounter, it was a very long time until I was ready to have sex again. The past girlfriends I had pressured me into having sex. However, I wasn’t quite ready because of what had occurred the first time. I was scared she was going to get hurt and not like it. Before I knew about why girls get hurt during sexual intercourse for the first time, I had a very low self esteem. Was it me who was not satisfying her? I started questioning myself, as the things I seen in the media had these men having incredibly large penises. I would look at mine’s and wonder why mine’s weren’t as big as that. Was that the reason why I couldn’t please my first sex partner? Even till this day, I’m very shy about my body and most of the times when I have sex, are with girls who are drunk at parties because they won’t remember as much. The embarrassment if I screwed up will all be forgotten, so it wasn’t like I just had sex with them for no reason. It’s been a year since I’ve done this, as I now have a stable loving relationship with my girlfriend. The media has made me very self-conscious about myself, and I’m always trying to impress the opposite sex.

I sometimes wonder about how things would’ve been different if I had been closer to my parents. Would my sexual views be any different? Would I have been more informed about it and act differently when it came to sexual related things? Would I have been more open about it, and not so secretive? Honestly, I don’t know, but how I was raised up when I was young till what I have seen, and experience is what made me who I am today. I know for a fact that, when I have kids, I will definitely try to be there for my kids and talk about this subject more openly, and instill them with more knowledge than I had. I will definitely talk about the importance of using condoms, and being protected from STD’s and how to treat a woman with respect.

To be candid, I’ve never written such a personally, intimate essay before in my life, and this was the first time in my life. I can say it was a very refreshing experience, and it led me to open up, and type what I have been going through all these years through my keyboard. It open some doors that has been closed for some time, and this written autobiography has re-opened it, and they are some things I can look back and laugh at. This assignment showed me the development of what I understand as a kid till now. I’m only 19 years old, and I have a lot of years left to expand my knowledge and transform my sexual life. Today, I can say all of these things that happen to me, happened for a reason. I can take all these knowledge I have gained over the years, and learn from past mistakes, and go from there. I’m still sometimes shy about my body appearances, but my confidence has been higher since then. I no longer have sex with random girls at parties, and I can say the things I have experienced, I am using them now with my girlfriend. We both talk about sex openly, and are both honest to each other, and I’m more open about the subject more than ever.