Got into a fight over a girl today Options

[Reidar]

Well, here's everything that happened. I was walking out of class today in a foul mood (apparently, you don't actually dissect humans in human biology - why didn't they say that in the first place?!) when I bumped into this girl walking in my direction.

"Watch it, meatbag," I snapped as her books fell all over the walkway.
"Oh, sorry! I was texting someone," she apologized, and stooped to pick up her belongings.

Feeling morally superior, I kneeled down to help her gather the items, just to make clear that I didn't have any debilitating back problems that would have prevented me from doing so, which would make me appear weak and vulnerable to anyone else who might be watching. "Oh, you're sweet," she murmured as I crouched down and helped her retrieve them. I gritted my teeth. "Oh yeah? Well, you're sweeter," I growled. If she wished to insult me like that, I would throw it back even harder. She giggled, no doubt in defeat at that little exchange. As we stood up, she said, "I'm Katie. That was nice of you. Where're you heading to?" I recognized this to be a typical social engagement that students often participate in called "conversation". I decided to play along and replied, "Yes, I read the funniest sub-paragraph on the uniform commercial code."
She stared back. "Huh?"

Just then, a sharp, nasal voice wailed, "KATIE!" I snapped my head in the direction of the call, and saw what appeared to be an extremely short, pudgy fellow hurriedly galloping across the adjacent patch of lawn, accompanied by a disproportionately tall, burly compatriot. "What the f**k! You were supposed to meet me at the student store!"
"I know," the girl presumed to be "Katie" protested back. "I got held in late!"
"Oh, yeah? Then who's THIS a-hole?" He pointed at me accusingly.
"I bumped into him, and he helped me pick up my stuff! Don't hurt him, Jake!"

The one referred to as "Jake" grabbed Katie by the wrist and pulled her behind him, and then nodded over to his friend. The other one stomped over to where I was observing the scene playing out in front of me. He stood a few inches taller than me, his hair slicked back in defiance of whatever regime young people feel is oppressing them these days and his brow furrowed with mock intimidation. "So, you think you can hit on my woman and get away with it, pal?" Jake yelled from behind. "Just who do you think you are?"
I said coldly, "I'm Reidar....your worst nightmare. And that's not including the one about the hole in the ozone layer. Did you know that levels have been dropping by nearly 4% annually over the northern hemisphere?" Chilling words.
"We'll see how you talk after Mudd here is finished with you!"
Throughout this, I stared up at this "Mudd" character, our eyes now locked. The tension could have been cut with a dull butter knife. Then, out of the corner of my eye, I noticed a beautiful rufous-crowned sparrow (Aimophila ruficeps), a magnificently rare specimen to be seen at this time of the year, and especially this far north. "Beautifully-streaked supercilium," I commented. "What the f**k did you say?!" The lackey screamed as he swung without warning. A sloppy strike. The lead deltoid was tensed so that the ensuing blow would have the elbow preceding the upper base of the arm, which severely diminished the force output capacity. I side-stepped it and delivered a clean open palm-strike to the side of his forehead. "Talk to the hand," I said unflinchingly. "Urgh!" he grunted as he stumbled past me. Without turning around, I kicked back, planting my foot into his solar plexus. He crumpled onto the ground like a flesh-bound accordion. "Don't get all bent out of shape," I said with a plain face. I then backflipped over his fallen body to face Jake.

"What...how did...that was my best fighter!" Jake stammered in bewilderment.

I looked down at the defeated crony. "If you say so."

Jake began to back away, and when I started forward in reply, he suddenly broke out into a run, releasing his grasp on the female. "Y-you haven't heard the last of me, mark my words!" he shouted behind him.

"Yeah, right. What a noodle keg," I laughed. Katie just stared silently at the ground. I turned to her. "Hey, you should find better friends to hang out with." She slowly met my eyes. "Y-you...you shouldn't have done that," she said shakily. "They'll be...after you now..."

I laughed again. "Sure, whatever. Just stay out of trouble with goons like that." And off I went.

Pretty strange day. I'm not quite sure what to make of it, but I doubt he'll be bothering anyone else from now on.

[Simba]

Wow. I cried.