read thyy poemm :PP |
 Feb 20 2008, 12:06 AM
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Senior Member  Group: Member Posts: 114 Joined: Dec 2007 Member No: 598,863  |
I can't find all my other poems I saved em on my flash drive and I can't find it at the moment, I wrote this one when I was pissed off
 Black Sins My mind fluctuates Like a rollercoaster on a never ending trip Thy face, thy eyes, thy lips still haunt my every thought This is not a reassured glance of lust Clenching life’s heart with a rugged hand I bid thee, please take my life now before all turns black I listened to you, Your words brought sanity and guidance to my complicated life But where are you now, When I need help? |
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Feb 20 2008, 12:18 AM
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#2
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 Padfoot Group: Staff Alumni Posts: 1,084 Joined: Sep 2004 Member No: 50,413 |
The third line is my favorite; I like the repetition of the "th" sound. The fourth line seems out of place to me. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to get out of it. The rest looks good to me.
I suck at critiquing literature, sorry... :( |
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Posts in this topic
Edwinbarkhordarian read thyy poemm :PP Feb 20 2008, 12:06 AM
MissHygienic Well, I don't know if you want a critique or n... Feb 20 2008, 12:21 AM Edwinbarkhordarian Yeah, I was thinking the same. Feb 20 2008, 12:29 AM Edwinbarkhordarian Hmmm...I can't think of what to replace ... Feb 20 2008, 12:44 AM
Ekay hectic life? or maybe just shorten that line to, ... Feb 20 2008, 04:14 AM |
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