Boyfriend also loves another Options

[Ashley_Brook]

I'm 23 and have been dating my boyfriend (who's 24) for about 4 months now. Things have been going well and he claims he loves me and I make him happy. But yesterday, out of nowhere, he texts me and tells me that he wants to be honest with me about something, and that something is that he also has strong feelings for another girl. He said he wanted to tell me because he felt he needed to get it off his chest and he started asking me if I thought he should feel badly about loving two people at the same time. Then he asked me if I could relate and if I still had feelings for my ex boyfriend, which I do and I admitted that to him as well. I told him that I think it's possible to have feelings for two people at once (even though I'm not exactly sure if you can truly love both and be IN LOVE with both at the same time) and I said that I didn't think he shouldn't feel shameful about it AS LONG AS he didn't act on it. He told me that he never cheated on me and never ever would, but he doesn't understand why society doesn't believe you can't love two people at once. He told me that he wasn't trying to insinuate and persuade me of anything but just that he wanted to tell me, otherwise he would feel like he was hiding it.

Then I asked him if the only reason why he is with me is because he couldn't have her, and he responded that he could have her if he wanted, but he has me and wants to be with me, which is a good thing.

But it still bugs me. I'm not mad at him for feeling this way because I have felt it before too in my past. I do still have feelings for my ex, but I think it's a little different. And I told him you can't allow yourself to be torn between two people and hurt over it. I would hate for him to be torn up over her while being with me.

But I'm so glad that he told me something like that because I know that took a lot of guts and I love how he can be honest and upfront with me like that. I am still paranoid though that one of these days he might decide that he wants that other girl more and break up with me. Is that a rational feeling or am I just being insecure? What would you feel if your boyfriend or girlfriend told you something like that? I'm just not sure what to think or feel about it.

[Ashley_Brook]

Thanks everyone for your advice!

My love for my ex is different than his love for this girl. I love my ex because I was with him for a long time, and anyone who has a long term relationship, you know that even after it's over, you still love them and hold a special place in your heart for them. With my ex, I have done just that. I put him, in a sense, in a box in my heart and moved on...and my love for him doesn't affect my relationship with my guy at all. I think that is different than loving someone new that you have never dated before. I told him all this a little bit ago.

I asked my bf how strong is love for that girl is, because I was trying to see if he would be able to put his feelings for that girl behind him like I have with my ex, but he said that he didn't know, that he was torn over these feelings, he is confused, and that he's never been in a serious relationship before. Then I suggested that he needed time and space to figure things out because he owes it to himself to do that and I owe it to myself to have a boyfriend that is going to be emotionally committed to me as well as physically. So I guess you could say we are on a break now...and I know I said all the right things so I feel better about it, even though it still hurts and I still want to be with him. But like I said, I deserve a guy who's not only going to be physically faithful, but emotionally as well.

[tokyo-rose]

My love for my ex is different than his love for this girl. I love my ex because I was with him for a long time, and anyone who has a long term relationship, you know that even after it's over, you still love them and hold a special place in your heart for them. With my ex, I have done just that. I put him, in a sense, in a box in my heart and moved on...and my love for him doesn't affect my relationship with my guy at all. I think that is different than loving someone new that you have never dated before.

Oh, okay. I thought that you still loved your ex in a way that would make you want to be with him again. I agree that that's not the same kind of love as loving someone that one hasn't dated before. It's more of a fondness or "soft spot," I'd say. It's okay to feel like that.

I'm glad that you realize you deserve a guy who will be physically and emotionally devoted to you. You're smarter than most girls for that. Again, good luck. I hope he can figure out what he wants over the break.